Don’t know how to help?

[iamboudicca]

I am LC with my DF. This is due to a long history of EA much of which came from his inability to deal with my DM’s cancer.

I am on good (although not close) terms with DF’s DP. She has made a change for the difference in DF and does not allow him to bully her as he did my DM so the relationship works ok.

Unfortunately DF’s DP has just been diagnosed with cancer herself. She has been in touch to let me know. I’ve not yet heard from DF, however his DP has also mentioned to me that he is not coping with this news. I am very concerned that he end up behaving the same way towards her as he did to my DM in a simmilar situation and it is totally unfair for her to have to deal with this as well as her own situation.

I am a bit stuck on how to help. I have always stayed out of their relationship (they’ve been together best part of 20 years now) but I don’t think I can stay out of it now? Has anyone any experience of a simmilar situation?

How to support a LC parent in a state of emotional upset without causing more difficulties?

That's very difficult, OP, and your instinct to help does you credit. But I don't really think there's much you can do. Their relationship is not for you to try to help with. You could ask your father's partner if there's anything you can do to help, but I would hope that she has her own support network. But I wouldn't be rushing back towards someone I knew to be emotionally abusive in exactly the scenario where I had seen them be emotionally abusive previously.

Wait, why is your question about how to "support" the abusive person in this scenario?

I don't see what you can do to help him and given the way he has behaved previously, you really shouldn't drag yourself back into that situation. He is not your responsibility so you shouldn't feel obliged to jump in now and try to fix things. This woman has been with him for 20 years - I'm sure she knows him well enough to deal with him and she should not expect that you get involved in their relationship at this stage. You could suggest he gets counselling to help him through this tough time.

Anouk It is about protecting his DP from Df’s ‘not coping’. His DP has her own family who will be supporting her and we will do what we can it is how we might be able to get DF coping better so he doesn’t turn it in her ( like he did my DM) He is only able to see how difficult situations affect him. He doesn’t have a support network...except her.