To seek a change in child arrangements with ex?

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3 years we divorced. On decent terms, as no third party involved. Just not compatible. We remain cordial friends is how I would describe the relationship.

At the time of the divorce I was a sahm and he was a very high earning professional on long hours.
I am the resident parent. He has them every other weekend. Saturday morning to Sunday evening one weekend and then Friday evening to Sunday afternoon the next. About 3/4 nights a month.

He is a bit of a Disney dad I have to say but he’s loving, kind and feed / clothes / engages with them to an extent that I feel very happy and secure when they are with him.

All going well.

Now! I have a job. A damn good job. Completely unexpectedly so after 8 years as a sahm. It’s very full on, very stimulating and pays well. I have a fab nanny but she can only do limited days.

I would like my ex to have them Sunday night and take them to school on Monday morning
This is going to piss him off no end. He likes to get in to work very early but he will have to speak with employer to say he will be late, approaching 10am for 2 Mondays a month. Employee won’t have a problem with it but ex will have an enormous problem with jt.

Am I being unreasonable to change what was agreed (not formally. We were on such good terms that we sorted child arrangements outside of the legal system) 3 years ago due to a change in my circumstances? If I’m not, and I raise it with him - he will point blank refuse so my question is - could he be “forced” to if I went down the legal route?

Huge thanks

Not every Sunday night btw. Just on his alternate weekends

So we know that it will piss him off... what i'm not clear about is why you'd be asking? Is there a school breakfast club or similar that's an alternative?

You need to ask him. We can’t give you an answer to this.

The Court would think it reasonable that he share the taking of them to school. After all, if employer allows, why shouldn't he?

It's perfectly reasonable to change arrangements, after a life event ie you starting work.

It also is, if there's a Birthday party the children want to go to, trip away etc.

Child arrangements can't be made when they are little and not be expected to change, as they grow up.

Is he giving more maintenance than he needs to, he might change that out of spite.

Can you have a sit down with him and explain face to face? He might be more reasonable than you think, he must have expected you to return to work at some point.

Courts can’t force him to do anything. The courts are there to ensure he gets contact.

Try speaking to him directly.

Look for breakfast clubs.

Is there a childminder in your area who would do breakfast and drop offs?

Court is not the answer here, and it will ruin your amicable relationship.

No breakfast club at school at all

I promise he will refuse. He is a workaholic and utterly committed to work.

Ah so if courts won’t dorce him then I don’t stand a chance. Thank you for this clarity

Thank you frazzled and all in fact

Don’t want to mess up relationship

He likes to get to work early....
Diddums.
You need to get to work full stop.. He has had a cushy number so far imo.
Time to juggle dc like the rest of us.

You could ask for money instead? You now need an au pair/similar can he part fund it so he doesn't have to do the drop offs ....?

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon

Clearly! But the question was whether he would be required to legally
And the answer is no

Who will take the children to school on the Mondays that they would be with you?

If your exh won't take them is he not able to find a childminder who can take them on his days?

@TearingUpMyHeart

He may suggest that.
But I have explored it around here and for one morning drop off - nothing

And local friends already do enough and it’s out of their way

Of course you need to tell him!! They are his children also. Isn't the norm EOW and one midweek anyway? So taking DC to school one day would be a perfectly reasonable request.

What will you do on the Mondays you have them?

What will you do if he absolutely won't and can't be made to?

RE childminders not being available for one day a week, I suspect everybody has their price when it would become feasible/attractive for them. Whether that makes whatever you're planning on doing feasible only you can do the maths. Maybe there I'd somebody at his end.

Courts are useless with these issues. They can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Unfortunately, you will be on your own with childcare. Ask him - he might surprize you.

No one can force him to have his children. And I know how tough that makes it for you. But no point fighting a battle you can’t win.
And I say that as my ex is enjoying a lovely holiday in the sun while our children cry because they miss him.

In all honesty I think I'd look for a new nanny, who can do ALL the hours you need. It's all very well having someone who is 'fab', but she's not very fab if she can't do the hours that you need to work. I wouldn't want to ruin my amicable relationship with an ex over what is basically a problem created by your nanny's unavailability for hours that you need.

Really really appreciate this

I’m going to talk to him. No harm. He will 99.99% say no.
At that point I will leave it
No chance changing nanny
I will just crack on. That’s we do, isn’t it?! Head down, crack on. It will be fine. It has to be

Rr no chance changing nanny is because the children (and I) utterly adore her
She looks after us all so well

Can't see how he could be 'forced' to do this and for the sake of a few mornings a month it wouldn't be worth the tension you say it would cause.

This is the nanny's job, if she isn't up to it you need to get a new one and share the costs with ex.