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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do as much as you, and I’ll prove it,

15 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/02/2019 00:04

Perfect,

So.. we both work full time. He earns significantly more than I do so it’s always like my work is less important but I love my job. I’ve been struggling lately with mental health and pressure...

It culminated in a argument tonight about who takes the kids (5 & 8) to school tomorrow. It’s always, always me. I can’t, and I was clear about this from weeks ago, (as I keep a very clear schedule of this stuff!)

He said he must have missed that, and he can’t. Argue argue argue... I said it’s fine. As always, I’ll do it, but he doesn’t understand, my life is the same and I am busy and I juggle childcare and I still do all the bake sale / pta / homework / school trip etc... and he doesn’t appreciate it.

He said he does and he could do it.

So I gave him February half term as a challenge. He said.. ‘no problem. You complain about nothing’

I haven’t booked any clubs and my mum is away... shall I just leave that for him to discover)? Despite being annoyed, I still love my kids Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/02/2019 00:07

I ended too early but that’s the gist... Confused

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 06/02/2019 00:08

Leave it.His responsibility and apparently easy.Theres no point doing this if you still sort it all out.
Hope you stick around until after half term to tell us how this goes.

cuntymckuntface · 06/02/2019 00:08

Oh please do this! And give us daily progress reports!

frazzledasarock · 06/02/2019 00:09

What will you do if he ‘forgets’ and can’t possibly do it either like this time?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/02/2019 00:10

YANBU but you shouldn't give in to him. He promised about tomorrow and you should have made him see his promise through.

I would be doing more than a little test I would be having a serious chat about a fairer sharing of responsibilities if he wants the marriage to work going forward.

MyFootHurts · 06/02/2019 00:14

So, will you both be working that week and need the children booked in to clubs etc., or is he planning to take the week off? Tempting though it may be to leave him to sink or swim (sink), I think I would take the moral high ground and at least try to steer him towards some of the things he may not have thought about (like the childcare!). To some extent, although he claims he can do it all, as he has never done it, he may need some pointers. Although, no way, would I be actually doing any of the organising...after all, he can do it all himself ( as it's so easy).
The danger with leaving it to him and him 'failing' is that you will have to pick up the pieces, as you won't let the children suffer.

Pumpkintopf · 06/02/2019 00:14

He is letting you carry all of the mental load. Does he have any concept of how much additional work that is? Particularly as you are currently struggling with MH he needs to be stepping up.

Are there practical steps you could take like a shared online calendar for this stuff, or would he conveniently forget to look at that too?

MostlyBoastly · 06/02/2019 00:18

Thing is, he’ll just do the bare minimum without any of the guilt and claim it’s easy.

My OH always has easier days because he puts far less pressure on himself and doesn’t do much with them.

SaturdayNext · 06/02/2019 00:25

Make sure you keep reminding him so he can't conveniently forget again.

stinkypoo · 06/02/2019 00:30

I'd keep reminding him that he's sorting it out - about time,by the si7 S’s of it.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/02/2019 00:31

My OH always has easier days because he puts far less pressure on himself and doesn’t do much with them.

yep. The thing is for most families DH having a day with them is unusual and a novelty. My DH won't feel he needs to also clean the house or put washing in and the meals he cooks will be basic or he might take them out for dinner as a treat. He has every right to want to spend quality time with them I just wish he understood that it's not comparable with me regularly spending all day with them and how stressed I often am when he returns form work. He can say to himself "I will do xy tomorrow/next weekend when gareth is home". I can't say that when I am with them every day

and in his defence he does do housework and is quite a good cook but he wouldn't try and combine these things with a day on his own with our three kids.

user1andonly · 06/02/2019 00:32

This will only work if it gets to half term and you are prepared to walk out of the door every morning and go to work even if he hasn't sorted childcare.

Can you stick to it?

Otherwise you'll end up running around sorting it at the last minute like today.

caringcarer · 06/02/2019 00:52

If you both work full time than he should do his fair share. If he is not so good with kids then get him doing laundry or cooking, changing bedding or cleaning. We split home life that way so I would listen to children reading and he would be ironing, I would make packed lunches and organise PE kits and he would change bedding etc. Just do not let him use the excuse his job is more important than your job. We would spend 2 hours each doing jobs on Sunday morning whilst kids at a club.

I would make a list of all that needs doing and take turns to pick a task each until all allocated.

AwkwardPaws27 · 06/02/2019 13:17

If you haven't already, I would issue one reminder now (preferably in a text so you have written proof!); half-term starts on X date, mum's away that week, you'll need to book any clubs soon.
If you are feeling kind you could include the name of a club you have used before and trust.

Then leave him to it - that way he can't say he didn't know.

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