To be surprisingly affected by news of an acquaintance’s death.

[Vinotinto78]

Had a text from an old work friend earlier informing me that a person I’d crossed paths with professionally over the past 15+ years had recently passed away after a short illness. It was someone who I respected but didn’t work that closely with (though I must have attended hundreds of meetings with him). It’s really hit a nerve. Possibly because he was close to retirement after a long and varied career helping employees fight their corner. It just feels so unfair. Ever been taken by surprise by how much someone’s passing away affected you? I’m gutted and I’m not sure why.

Skittles - I can relate to your point. I moved organisations about 7 months ago and it’s not going well (putting it mildly). Perhaps hearing from an old friend bearing some horrible news has brought a lot of other less-obvious feelings to the surface. It’s been helpful reading others’ experiences of similar. Which is why I started the post, I guess.

I found out via Facebook that someone I went to school with died in her twenties, falling off a balcony whilst on holiday. She may have survived the initial fall but wasn’t spotted for a long time so died alone.

I didn’t like her at all at school as she was very catty, a drama queen, a real “mean girl” and her best friend bullied me very badly to the point that I’d become suicidal.

All of a sudden, knowing that she’d died so young, in such an awful way put all of that school yard stuff into perspective. I’d held a grudge for how nasty they were for me for years but I could suddenly see her as a 12 year old, yes bitchy and catty but also full of life, loving life, enjoying parties, going through all the rites and passages, singing along to the Spice Girls, playing pranks at sleepovers, having loads of fun and I just felt so terribly, terribly sad for her and her family.
She’d also remained best friends with the girl who’d made my life hell and she was very open online about the devastation she’d experienced at the time. Her life had been ripped apart too through the loss of her best friend from childhood.

It definitely affected me and took me surprise. I still find it hard to believe someone from my school year has passed away. What a terribly short existence. She was cheated of a life.

Yes. A person i only met a couple of times but left a weirdly big hole. He was cut down in his prime so to speak, so fit, healthy, seemed indestructible....wasnt.

A former neighbour of ours, who was only 14, took her own life. I hadn’t seen much of her for years and hadn’t even seen her in passing since she was 12, yet it knocked me for six. I was really shocked and unable to concentrate on anything for at least two days. She was a lovely, smiley child.

I also remember reading an article in the local paper about a car crash, where a (male) driver had died at the scene. Another name mentioned was familiar and I realised that it could only be the cheerful girl I went to secondary school with and sat next to in maths. I will never forget reading this unexpected sentence “she was airlifted to X hospital where she later died”. It took quite a while to sink in.

Floating that's awful.

A colleague died when I was about 23; she was in her 30s and just dropped dead at her DD's christening. PM was inconclusive - when our manager got us into his office to tell us I couldn't say a thing, but then burst into tears when saying "What will happen to her DD?". We weren't allowed to say until it had been announced; halfway through the morning I dashed behind a pillar to cry, when someone asked where she was and when she'd be back in, and I'd had to bottle it all up. She pops into my head less nowadays (about 20 years on) but still will, and did so regularly for years in the (relatively) immediate aftermath.

My MIL died from cancer after a really quick decline, and adjusting to that was difficult. It was more that she was such a part of our life, even during most of her illness; her treatment thankfully didn't wipe her out too much, so there wasn't much time when she wasn't, and after she died it was hard and weird to think that our lives were going on but she was suddenly no longer a part of them.

Yes, definitely. I think it's natural when you hear of the death of someone who should be 'too young' to die. But some do hit harder than others for no discernible reason.

Just before Christmas I found out through facebook that a woman who was 6 years below me at school was missing. Then a couple of days later than she was dead. I barely knew her (and not at all as an adult) but her Mum was my head of year and taught right up to A Level. She was a single mum and had always talked so much about her daughter (we could distract her off the lesson topic for most of a class that way!) I found I couldn't stop thinking about her (the mum more than the daughter but both really) and was amazed by how upset I was. For them rather than for myself but still, it was disproportionate to my total lack of involvement with the family.

Manicinsomniac - that’s exactly it. It seems a disproportionate response. That’s the part I don’t understand.

I think it is the fragile nature of life that is affecting. A girl at school committed suicide (I am in my forties now), and although I knew her we werent friends as such, it just seemed so sad and is still something I think about. Whereas when my FIL passed away he was 90 with a long and happy life behind him and that seemed the way you want to go really.

Years ago I left a job I loved due to a difficult set of circumstances. Things came to a head and it ended with me handing in my resignation. I didn't really want to leave, but once it was done, it was done and I was too stubborn to try and rescind it, even though there were opportunities to do so.

I worked a long notice until they found a replacement. She was gorgeous, smiley, brimming with confidence, younger than me, slimmer than me, better looking than me (not that that's relevant but at the time, it felt like another kick in the teeth) and I'll admit I was gutted. After that, I went on to work for myself and although it took a while ... it all turned out for the best in the end.

Found out recently she has died of cancer. I can't stop thinking about it - how jealous I was of her youth, looks, confidence, the fact that she had my job. She seemed to have it all at the time, whiIe I was a pig-headed fuck up.

My life has moved on so much since then. I live in a different part of the world, run my own business and I would never have had the experiences I have had if I'd stayed in that job, stayed living there. I had absolutely no reason to resent her, but I just did. Now I just feel incredibly sad.

I found out this weekend that someone I was close to died nearly two weeks ago. I never met her, never got the chance to give her the hug I wanted to, will never know what her voice sounded like. But I've cried to the point that my eyelids are sore.

I'm mourning her. But I know that really it's because a family member is ill & I'm not sure they will survive this time. I will miss my friend hugely, but my grief is disproportionate to her place in my life. I'm crying over my friend, so I can be strong for my family, if that makes sense.

Someone I sort of knew died 9 years ago. I was just thinking about him today, actually.

We knew each other's names, we would make small talk if we saw each other - that was the full extent of our relationship. Not exactly deep. But I knew enough about him to know he was handsome, single and doing very well in his career. I always sensed he was a decent bloke from our limited interactions, but I never actually knew him well enough to know for sure. It was just a gut feeling.

I think what got me so hard at the time (and still does) is the waste of potential. He always seemed like someone who had it all, then suddenly he didn't. He died in a road traffic accident, so it was very sudden.

I don't think the death of my relatives affected me as much. But I suppose, whilst they were closer and blood relatives, I never spoke to them. This guy I knew superficially, but he was more real to me on a day to day level.

Whenever I think of him, I feel so sorry for his friends and family - not that I even knew who they were.

It's silly, really. I don't have the right to mourn him and yet I don't really mourn the people I do have the right to miss.

YANBU. I know someone who was sadly murdered last year - a lady in her mid 40's. I only met her 10 times over 2 years (she worked in a shop I went into when I visited a particular touristy town, but I talked to her for 8-10 minutes each time.) I had not seen her for a year, but when I heard she had been murdered, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Also her 2 kids, (10 and 12,) and her dear old mother who she looked after.

Sends chills through me now when I picture her face. Chilling.

I think it depends on if there's things that mean you feel connected to them or their death in a particular way.

The loss of grandparents is something most people have experienced by the time they're in their 30's/40's (though of course that point will be getting later due to the population generally living longer).

I was lucky enough to remember 2 great grandparents although lost them when I was quite young and they seemed ancient to me at the time (though actually they were only in their 70's which seems relatively young now).

My granda on one side died not long after his mother though. A combination I believe of his being in poor health as a result of WWII factors (he was injured and also developed an illness due to the conditions in the hospital which he never really recovered from) and his grief at losing his mother. I know we've no real scientific basis for "dying of a broken heart" but I do honestly believe I've seen it several times, in my personal life and as a nurse.

The first time I lost someone of my own generation wasn't someone I was very close to, a classmate I liked well enough but we didn't mix in the same circles. She died of cancer at 16. Was a huge shock to many, but to be honest I think a big part of many of my friends and my grief was that it MADE us realise we were mortal ourselves - something lots of teens don't really internalise. "Old people" dying was one thing, dying at that age seemed genuinely inconceivable.

We then lost another classmate to suicide a few years later and that brought out not only the sense of mortality again but also anger at the person who died because of the manner of death, even though we knew and understood they were ill and not thinking rationally, it still felt like such an unfair thing to "do to" those left behind especially the person who found them (which they would've known who it would be).

I then lost touch with certain people for a while and then when social media started to become a thing, initially with friends reunited, then later others and over the years I discovered 3 more classmates had died, another to cancer, one in an rta and another suicide. The 2nd suicide hit me hard as I had for a year been quite close to them, I was really shocked as when I'd known them they'd been a really confident upbeat outgoing person (I know this means nothing, just explaining how I felt).

2 more that caught me out (I sound a right bloody jinx don't I?!) were

A chap I worked with, not particularly close to but chatted and got along ok, he was mid 20's (as was I at the time - that's a weird thought he's be in his 40's now) and had 2 young children (crikey and they'll be adults!) and died of an asthma attack. It happened while he was working (he was a delivery driver for the company I worked for) so I was the first one to get a call from a customer, quite irate "where is he, he's an hour late!" Which really wasn't like him, we tried contacting him (pre mobile days so we were calling earlier customers to figure out where he was on his route, which was quite rural), figured out roughly where he would be, no known traffic issues etc ended up calling police as a non emergency - I think at this point we were thinking he was stuck due to someone else's accident or something - think we were about 2-3 hours into him being missing at that point. Then the last customer he'd been to returned home having earlier cheerily waved him off as she was on her way out somewhere, she didn't need to wait for him to complete the delivery just let him in, no indication of a problem at this point. The poor woman found him with the van door open and he was apparently reaching for his inhaler which was on the dashboard. She contacted the authorities and as we'd put in the call about a possible accident hold up etc the police were kind enough to let us know rather than leaving it to his family to have to tell us or have us keep calling them to find out where he was. The main part of that workplace was a factory and I have never heard a factory as quiet as that one was that day and for some time after. It closed completely for the funeral. It was awful. How his poor wife coped I really can't begin to imagine. Very sadly the children were so young they likely won't even remember him (eldest was 3, youngest still a "babe in arms")

My poor mum had me come in the door and just sob so hard I couldn't speak and she didn't even know why! I still don't quite know how I held it together at work!! Eventually I was able to tell her and she gave me the biggest hug ever. (And we're not normally like that either). And this was before I learnt how the poor guy died. That was another shock, I'm also asthmatic and have been since I was little and have had some scares but it really made me start paying attention at my reviews and for a long time I was much better at keeping inhaler close by. (I stupidly forgot once when dd was quite little and I was very sleep deprived and my body taught me that lesson again!). That happened over 20 years ago and still sticks in my mind.

The other was my granda's (the one that died quite young) best friend dying. They'd been friends since their first job together at 14. They had a similar daft, childish sense of humour, but also saw each other through a lot of tough things (granda's illness, my gran had a late mc, he and his wife lost a child in babyhood Iirc to measles, then they had twins and that was hard work etc) and although I didn't grow up near my grandparents geographically we were still close to them and this guy and his wife were always there "in the background" only not as they'd buy us wee treats and play games with us (mum wasn't impressed he taught us not only to play gin rummy but how to cheat at gin rummy 😂), they'd (he and granda) also do things like sneak us biscuits if we were denied pudding as we'd not eaten our dinner - like a mischievous uncle. They'd put on shadow plays for us and do 'who can tell the silliest joke' competitions. Sadly when he died I'd not seen him for a few years as he and his wife had moved quite a distance to live with their grown up children who looked after them (well the wife is still alive so she's still being cared for. Unfortunately she now has Alzheimer's). He wasn't young, it was kinda expected (heart issues) but it still really threw me because I had such lovely memories of him. Also because it was the last real connection to my granda as a man rather than a relative if that makes sense?

Sorry gone on a bit there.

Point is you don't need to have been particularly close to someone to have their loss hit you hard. We're complicated entities and grief can be really weird sometimes.

"Our subconscious tends to react to anniversaries, even when we think we’re ‘over it’." Its weird isn't it? My cousins dog (so I wasn't particularly close to the wee thing) died around an anniversary for me (mc) and I went to pieces! Poor aunt was like "wtf?" The mc wasn't widely known about in the family so she'd not connected it. When I was calm enough I explained - only to set her off because I didn't know said cousin had originally been a twin and aunt had mc one of them early in the pregnancy! So then I felt bad for setting her off!

I don't think there are really any "Rights" over who gets to grieve who, although I do judge people (can't think of the phrase for them) who make their grief very public and all about them, rather than being considerate of those closest to the person who died.