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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No presents at wedding?

19 replies

sunlove · 05/02/2019 09:54

I guess this is more of a ‘what should I do?’ Rather than ‘AIBU’.

I’m going to the wedding of close friends soon who have asked for a charity donation rather than wedding presents. Undoubtedly they have done this as they are very well off (think several million pound houses!) and don’t want people forking out to attend their wedding - they’re also providing a free bar all night and taxis home within a 10 mile radius!

I feel like I should still get them something as they are close friends. What would you suggest I get them? Or is it being rude to dismiss their wishes? Should I just get a nice card and make the charity donation?

Any suggestions welcome!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 09:56

A nice card and a charity donation sounds perfect.
Respect their wishes for their wedding day.
Maybe take them out for a meal in a couple of weeks as a thank you.

SpeedbirdFoxtrot · 05/02/2019 10:00

Just go with the charity donation. I'd feel a bit rude not following someone's wishes on their wedding day.

I was going to suggest something similar to hellsbellsmelons. If you still feel the need to get a present after the wedding, maybe just get a token thank you gift.

drowningincustard · 05/02/2019 10:01

In a scenario like this I would respect their wishes - lovely card and a charity donation. If they've not mentioned a specific charity then just note which charity but not the amount in the card.
If they are doing a honeymoon then for a close friend I could be tempted to do something for when they get back - like flowers or chocs/wine/small cake to say welcome back and hope they had a lovely time.

JustSomebodyThatIUsedToKnow · 05/02/2019 10:03

We asked for charity donations for our wedding. We're not millionaires but the charity was really important to us, and we'd lived together for ages so didn't feel that we needed anything else. We definitely meant it - we were so happy with the amount we raised, and there was no need at all to get us a physical present.

That said, a few people did get us little presents - a pear tree for the garden was one of the loveliest things. I think if you do want to buy a gift you should go small and personal, in addition to (rather than instead of) a donation.

BarbaraofSevillle · 05/02/2019 10:04

Or is it being rude to dismiss their wishes

Yes.

Should I just get a nice card and make the charity donation

Yes.

You have said that they are very well off. So they can buy pretty much absolutely anything they would ever want.

But even if they weren't, please respect their wishes and do as they ask. Buying something for someone when they have explicitly said they don't want anything is not a nice, thoughtful gesture, it is imposing your wants on them and will irritate them, make them feel guilty and give them a 'chore' as in to use something they don't want, have to store it, or send it to charity.

MsSquiz · 05/02/2019 10:05

We did something similar for our wedding, and asked for donations to Marie Curie as my DM had died in one of their hospices 3 months before our wedding (this was on our gift list alongside low cost gifts/things we needed)

DH's sister rang us to ask if she could pay towards something at the wedding as "a charity donation from your sister isn't a good present" this is a woman who has millions... and quite a few guests made a small donation and got us a small gift.

She bought us a picnic basket as that is apparently a more "sisterly gift"

It has lived in the garage for 18 months and never been used

DandilionBreak · 05/02/2019 10:05

Charity donation, as that's what they've asked for, and something small and personal in private. I'd maybe look at a rose plant for their garden. Look at David Austin roses online. Or a handwritten and framed love poem? A photo collage you've framed? A mug for each of them, printed with a special photo? Something that won't embarrass them but will raise a smile and that they can enjoy for years. I give most of my friends who have gardens something that will grow, as that feels quite symbolic, plus it can last for decades. I gave keen cooks a bay tree in a pot.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 05/02/2019 10:12

To the PP, id fill it with food and donate it to a raffle at a charity event for the organisation you supported :)

Buy a nice card OP, make the donation, and perhaps pop a packet of seeds for some nice flowers for their garden inside the card.

2isabella2 · 05/02/2019 10:13

I'd get a small gift as well as a donation, if you'd spend £50 I'd probably spend £15 on a gift and donate £35. Sometimes I buy a nice bottle of wine from the year they met, or some games if they like them.

thecatsthecats · 05/02/2019 10:13

This is going to sound twatty (because it is), but they will have guests who will still want to buy 'a little something'. And who will buy something way below their usual budget for that thing that's... naff. Ugly. Not their taste.

Sure, at least they have several million pound houses to hide it away in guest bedrooms, but since their focus seems to be on a really good party, respect their wishes and make the charity donation.

Original poster

sunlove · 05/02/2019 10:15

Wow! Thank you so much for all the replies. This is only the second wedding I’ve been to as an adult, so not sure of etiquette.

I’ll get a nice card and make a donation then maybe offer to take them for dinner or drinks when they’re back to hear about their honeymoon.

OP posts:

Tinty · 05/02/2019 10:16

If you are any good at taking pictures, I would maybe try to take a nice picture of them on the day and then send it to them for when they get back from their honeymoon. Nice card, charity donation done.

JasperKarat · 05/02/2019 10:17

I'd go with their wishes, if you happen to take any lovely candid pictures, you could frame one and give it as a thank you after the wedding

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 05/02/2019 10:23

Great idea from Tinty!

SheepyFun · 05/02/2019 11:12

thecatsthecats I know just what you mean! Though we certainly aren't millionaires. We though asking for charity donations would minimise unwanted gift (as well as helping causes we cared about), but it didn't entirely eliminate them.

KillerSpider · 05/02/2019 11:20

You can’t go wrong with an ironing board.

greendale17 · 05/02/2019 11:22

Voucher for their favourite restaurant

BelfastSmile · 05/02/2019 11:23

We did the same at our wedding. We were having a small do, and we just didn't want people spending a fortune - we already had all the household stuff we needed anyway, and our house is small, so we've no space to store things.

A few people insisted on bringing presents, but most made a donation (we didn't specify a charity).

A close friend bought us some nice plants for the garden, which we still have. A few bought vouchers for a meal out, or a book token, which we enjoyed.

So in your shoes, since you're close to them, I'd maybe get a nice plant as well as the donation.

Fuei · 05/02/2019 11:39

We asked for charity donations, not because we're well off but because it meant a lot to us to do so. It definitely confused a few of our older relatives, but they all went with it, so do follow what they have asked and get something small and personal if you feel you have to, but not to the point it diminishes what you would donate.

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