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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really pissed of and disillusioned with family

22 replies

LellowYedbetter · 05/02/2019 08:43

It’s been a hell of a two month period and I feel that my family have simply abandoned me. Just before Christmas my son tried to commit suicide in a pretty traumatic and violent fashion. He was hospitalised following emergency surgery to correct the damage and then sectioned to a secure Cahms unit over Christmas. It was horrendous. On top of this we’ve had constant issues with the police for things DS has done, issues with social services, issues with Cahms ... the list goes on. I’m off work with stress so now have financial worries too. When I’ve called my mum (as she never calls me) I’ve expressed how stressed/depressed I am. I am on pretty strong medication for stress and anxiety. She makes all the right noises on the phone and that’s it. DS is now back home, things are no better and the nightmare continues.
Not one member of my family have called or text me since any of this started. I stopped calling my mum as I was sick of making all the effort. Whenever I did call her she’d say “I didn’t ring you as I thought you might be at work”??? What a load of shit, she never even tried.
Anyway after not ringing her for a couple of weeks she finally rang me yesterday, acted all “off” with me and then waffles on about my sister.

Now the bit that has really pissed me off. Just before Christmas the family decided they would go out for dinner once a month. I was due to join them but DS attempted suicide and was hospitalised 2 days before so obviously I didn’t go. They all said they hoped I would be able to make the next one as they missed me being there.
I then find out yesterday that this lunch is all booked for today and no fucker has invited me or even let me know about it. They all know I’m off work. Sister let it slip by accident yesterday.

It’s like it’s sll smiles until you have a crisis and then nobody wants to know. Not one of them has been in touch to ask how I am.

Am I over reacting?? Feeling abandoned and hurt.

OP posts:

SpannerH · 05/02/2019 08:47

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I think they need to take a big look in the mirror and step up! hugs

Original poster

LellowYedbetter · 05/02/2019 08:58

Thank you x I’m not even angry as such, I’m just so disillusioned with it all. The falseness that is “family”. I’ve started to wonder how people would react if I became seriously ill, I’d bet money on it that I’d not hear from anyone. If it was a “distant” family it wouldn’t feel so bad but it’s supposedly a close family. Until something goes wrong and then nobody wants to know.

My mum was the same at my wedding, complained that it was a long day and turned up just in time for it to start. No offer to help me get ready or anything. My MIL did all that.

OP posts:

Original poster

LellowYedbetter · 05/02/2019 09:28

WIBU to text one of them and play dumb, say I didn’t realise they were going out today or I would have joined them? Or does that seem desperate?

OP posts:

RickOShay · 05/02/2019 09:32

Do you go to counselling with your son? Are cahms aware that you have anxiety? Is your partner supportive?

You are under huge strain, you need some back up sweetheart. Obviously your family can’t be relied on, I think it goes like this sometimes, it’s not you though, and you deserve support.

Original poster

LellowYedbetter · 05/02/2019 09:35

Thanks Rickoshay x Son is having counselling. I’m getting no support at all, nobody wants to know.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 05/02/2019 09:40

"When I’ve called my mum (as she never calls me)"

Before this was the relationship not good?

Better to be LC than have to play happy families. That would impact further on your Mental Health.

It's shit, I've been there, but it's easier to accept it and cope alone.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 05/02/2019 09:40

I would turn up, wish them well then leave, and block.
They are taking up your head space. Seems you aren't even in theirs.
Nasty fuckers.

Maelstrop · 05/02/2019 09:42

They aren't worth your time. Do you have good friends to speak to?

RickOShay · 05/02/2019 09:46

I agree with birds. You have enough to deal with without them, but it’s like the ultimate stab in the back, I do understand. Have you got some good friends? Do you feel you could go to your gp and ask for some counselling?
Don’t waste your energy on your family, you and your own family WILL get through this.

billybagpuss · 05/02/2019 09:50

You’re not overreacting at all, actually I would send that text, they don’t deserve to have their meal guilt free!!

Having said that it sounds like you have had issues in the past and they probably honestly don’t know how to handle what you’re going through or know what to say or do.

Are you close to your sister could you maybe say that you get that they probably don’t know what to say to you but that you are feeling isolated and hurt.

In the meantime let’s focus on you, you are getting no help from your family but have you been able to access counselling for yourself? How is DS, how old is he I’m guessing late teens which really is the worst time. Things will get better but you must be living in constant fear at the moment.

You can’t control your family but you need to focus on you as well as DS.

billybagpuss · 05/02/2019 09:55

Just seen your update. Get yours to your GP and demand a referral for counselling , you need to be strong to help him through this.

Also have they offered you family counselling.

Reach out to friends too. A very dear friend has gone through what you’re experiencing now and she shut herself away from us for months because she didn’t want to tell anyone what she’d been going through. When she did eventually tell us it made things so much easier, if we arranged things Knowing that they might need to cancel last minute and that it was ok if they did. Whereas before they declined everything in case.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 05/02/2019 10:03

Im absolutely shocked that your family would shut you out in this manner, particularly when youre going through something so awful. Id be twnpted to write a letter to your family explaining your feelings and how their behaviour is the opposite of what you need at this time and could they communicate with you what is so wrong that they cannot be with you particularly during this difficult time.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/02/2019 10:07

OMG, they sound awful OP. I hope you have good friends to talk to? And I hope your DS is getting better.

EhlanaOfElenia · 05/02/2019 10:07

YANBU - your family don't deserve the name 'family'. Do you have any friends who have been supportive? Don't feel embarrassed to lean on them a bit. Times like this you find out who your true friends are, and you may be surprised by who it is that steps up and supports you.

Original poster

LellowYedbetter · 05/02/2019 10:33

I don’t have any close friends. I’m a bit of a loner. I have my dog and he’s a good listener but doesn’t offer much in the way of advice. I’ve all but given up with the nhs, they simply don’t care. I’ve been on the waiting list for counselling since last April ... the last time I called my mental health team they didn’t even know who I was. Said I’m not under them anymore and to go back to GP. Went to GP and she doubled my meds and that was it. It’s more exhausting trying to get help than it is dealing with the actual MH issues.

OP posts:

MeganJPerry · 05/02/2019 10:46

You give so little information it's hard to gain a proper understanding of the situation. Like, is your son pre-teen, teenager, 20 or over, does he have a good relationship with your mom & dad, are you a single parent, does your sons father have contact with his son & try to help, does your sister show any interest or willingness to help you and the list goes on. When boys try to commit suicide, they are often a lot better at it than girls, so your right to be very worried. Does he tell you why he wanted to end his life?

Confusedbeetle · 05/02/2019 10:49

People are terrified of mental ill health and in particular suicide. They don't sound supportive at the best of times but clearly are not able to be od any use

MeganJPerry · 05/02/2019 10:57

It's easy to make a judgement on her family, but she has already said she has very few friends, just her dog and is a loner by nature. So that paints a picture in itself & could explain why she has a poor social network and may even come across as distant to her own parents who MAYBE only hear from her when there is trouble.

EhlanaOfElenia · 05/02/2019 11:36

Talk here. My husband attempted suicide. The process all but destroyed our family. It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm slowly coming out the other side. There were a whole lot of factors contributing to it. Too many to write out (and certainly not on a thread which doesn't go poof after 90 days!)

I'm lucky that my family are supportive, but they live too far away to be of any help day to day.

RickOShay · 05/02/2019 16:04

But you need to be okay ish in yourself, it’s very difficult to support a child with mental health issues when you are wobbly yourself.
How old is your son? Would you be eligible for Early Help? They are a fantastic service, and without them supporting me to support my dd it would have been awful. She gave me back my own self and took away the guilt.
You are not alone even though it feels dark, you will come through this.
My dog was also a huge help

Notsurprisedatall · 05/02/2019 16:19

Do we have the same mother/ family?!?!

YANBU, at all.

I've been there, a lot. My family have ignored my disabilities, my sons, a crisis with my ex, my breakdown, my DH illness. When I have reached out I get nothing in return and no support, but I am expected to be there at the drop of a hat for everyone else.

I don't have any advice really, I still struggle with it. I try and not let it bother me and I don't expect anything from them. I struggle with them not bothering with my children because I know the children wish they could see them more because when they do see them they are amazing. But as soon as they pass over the threshold they don't bother again until the next family members birthday.

We don't get invited anywhere either, I invited them out and paid for everyone hoping that would change their minds that we can go out as a family, children and all - who were exceptionally well behaved and everyone said as much. (I thought that may be an excuse of theirs) They promised to do the same for us, but that was two years ago and we still haven't gone out.

Having no expectations and finding support elsewhere is the only advice I can give I think.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I hope it turns around for you.

Blooger · 05/02/2019 16:44

Agree with Notsurprisedatall. Your family is rubbish but the only way through this is to abandon all expectations of them. Then if they ever do something nice or thoughtful, it is a massive bonus.

I've also been through this with a chronic illness that made me disabled for years (now recovered thank heaven). My family pointedly ignored my illness (and I didn't talk much about it, in case anyone's wondering if I was an "illness bore"). Then when I finally got a diagnosis that marked the beginning of my recovery, I took them all out for a meal and told them, matter of factly, that I finally knew what was wrong and I knew now how to manage my condition.

D'you know what, they just sat there in silence for a few seconds, then changed the subject and never referred to it again. Recently my mum mentioned the condition (without mentioning that I had suffered from it) and said she'd "read" that it was imaginary!! Ha ha. I had to laugh or I'd cry.

Thankfully I did have friends who supported me. I hope you can identify some. If, as you say, you don't have any, join a support group. They exist for ppl in situations like yours and it will make you feel you are not alone and not in a downward spiral.

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