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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my partner should stop smoking?

25 replies

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:26

So I've been with my partner for 2.5 years, we got engaged last May. I knew he was a light smoker when I met him (outside only and nowhere near the house) and he knew that I didn't approve.
He has promised me twice now that he will try to stop. He was doing so well until today-he hadn't smoked until 1st Jan. But today he went back to it because he says he felt stressed.
Admittedly we are going through a very hard time at the moment as I find myself out of work for the first ever time in my life. He is on a pretty low wage so things are financially a nightmare.
But AIBU to feel let down because he is still smoking? He has been a light smoker since the age of 14 and he's just turned 43.
I know this maybe simplistic but I think that if he really loved me and my boys he'd want to try and be around for us as long as possible?

OP posts:

kindlyplay · 05/02/2019 00:29

But AIBU to feel let down because he is still smoking?

Yes. If you don't want to be with a smoker you don't get involved with a smoker.

Lovingbenidorm · 05/02/2019 00:31

Giving up smoking is bloody hard.
I don’t think it’s a reflection of how much he loves you.
People have to give up for themselves, one day it will dawn on him that he is killing him self, otherwise he will just be resentful.
Don’t make it easy tho

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/02/2019 00:31

I've never smoked however my parents have done and I saw how hard it was for them to give up. Multiple times they gave up for a couple of years and ended up back smoking. They have both given up for 8+ years now but it's taken multiple attempts.

I find this difficult - does he want to give up? You knew he smoked when you started dating him so I personally don't think you can start demanding that he gives up. It's an addiction and it's not as easy as 'if he loves me he would'.

I understand how you feel, it's a disgusting habit and I wouldn't be happy if my partner smoked. Your partner has smoked since 14 so it may take a while, but he has to want to do it himself.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:31

So as someone who loves this man I should be happy for him to possibly die an early/preventable death?

OP posts:

Lovingbenidorm · 05/02/2019 00:33

No, you shouldn’t be happy to stand by and watch him die early, but I’m afraid there isn’t a lot you can do

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 05/02/2019 00:35

"So as someone who loves this man I should be happy for him to possibly die an early/preventable death?"

Should have maybe thought about that before starting relationship with someone who smokes?

kindlyplay · 05/02/2019 00:35

So as someone who loves this man I should be happy for him to possibly die an early/preventable death?

Not sure anyone said that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:36

I do absolutely understand it must be hard, very hard at times, but ultimately it's not impossible. He can do it if he's got enough willpower!

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/02/2019 00:37

No, you shouldn't be happy but you did know when you started dating that he smokes.

You can't force him to stop and it's a very difficult thing to do. He has to want to do it himself.

Ribbonsonabox · 05/02/2019 00:37

I hear you OP! My husband was a smoker but he gave up for a long time after our first was born... but just before the birth of our second I found out he was buying cigarettes and smoking them whilst at work.
I went totally nuts!
I get that hes an individual and it's up to him what he does with his body..... but also I love him and do not want him to die early.
Not wanting him to die and leave our children fatherless overrides my natural respect for his choices as an individual.
I'd react the same if he said he was off to climb Everest or was off base jumping.
Yeah it's his body but I didnt sign up to raise two kids on my own so I'm sure as hell going to express very strong negative reactions to him putting his health at risk.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/02/2019 00:37

X post.

You're pushing him into it by the sounds of it, that isn't willpower. That's you trying to force it.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:43

When I met him he was honest about the fact that he was still smoking bur wanted to give up. I respected that and I don't think I was wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ultimately just because you smoke currently does not mean you will be, or have to be, a smoker for life.
We've all made foolish and naive decisions in our lives. For example, I married a vile abuser and stayed with him for a decade. Big mistake. Probably an even bigger mistake as it turns out to leave him. But I hope someone wouldn't judge me on making a mistake in my life and looking to move away from it.

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 05/02/2019 00:45

Try congratulating him for lasting a month and not criticising him Then encourage him to restart, and see it as a blip.

As a smoker, I can honestly say that people preaching to me about how I am going to die is the quickest way to make me want to smoke more.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:47

@Ribbonsonabox I totally understand you! Is he still smoking now?
My fiance doesn't have any biological children and we won't be having any together but he is a brilliant stepdad to my two boys.
He says he really wants to stop but finds it hard every time he feels stressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:49

I have praised him to the hilt and every single day been telling him how well he's doing. Even he has admitted we can't afford for him to be buying fags! But I don't know how he will ever stop if he smoked every time he feels stressed.

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/02/2019 00:50

YABU. You knew he was a smoker when you met and you accepted that, however reluctantly, by getting together with him despite it.

All smokers say they want to quit. Few actually do; you were naive to think he would as much as he wants to.

It’s not fair to try and change a part of him you accepted by getting together with him.

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 00:50

I used to go mental at my ex for smoking and then I became a smoker and realised how hard it is to stop.

He has to want it or he physically will not be able to quit. There is literally nothing you can do right now.
I smoked for 8 years and I quit because I was struggling to breathe and had to use inhalers for a while.
I only quit because I wanted to and people bringing it up only pissed me off and stressed me out, resulting in me smoking more.

My now Dh hated that I smoked but didn't ever bring it up and just said that he'd support me if I chose to quit and he did.
It's now been just over 3 years since I've smoked and that's only because it was MY choice.

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 00:52

Also, I've just read that every day your praising him and telling him how well he's doing - I'd stop that.

If you're constantly talking about how good he is for not smoking, you're still brining up the subject of cigarettes which will make him want one. Try not to mention it but the occasional "I'm proud of you" will do just fine

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 00:52

*you're

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:54

He said he was a smoker intending to stop and determined to do so. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. People do quit. Of course I am going to want to change something in him that is going to potentially kill him. Say he had a drinking problem. Would I just say carry on or would I want him to stop?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 00:55

I asked him how best to support him and he said a daily well done ☺

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 05/02/2019 01:04

If it’s such a massive deal for you you shouldn’t have accepted it by getting together with him.

Ribbonsonabox · 05/02/2019 01:04

He says hes not but how can I really be sure! I think I got through to him how much it hurt me so hopefully he will think of that whenever he is tempted to reach for a fag!
He certainly doesn't do it anywhere near the house or anywhere near me if he does do it... and we spend the majority of our time together and he has 4 days off a week... so I am inclined to believe he has given it up.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 05/02/2019 01:08

Aw I really hope he has. Like you say, how can you ever really be sure unless you're with them 24-7?!!

OP posts:

EleanorAbernathy · 05/02/2019 01:29

To give a bit of perspective from the other side - I was a smoker when I met my now DH - he was an ex smoker and had given up several years before meeting me. He knew from his own experience that I had to want to quit myself to have any hope of being successful so was happy to let me carry on until I was ready and really wanted it!

At the time, no amount of anyone telling me I was going to die and they wanted me to live longer would have helped in the slightest. I had to want to do it for myself- I had a couple of false starts and can honestly say it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's been 8 years now!

I spoke to a man recently who quit heroin, and then quit smoking. He said the smoking withdrawal was harder.

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