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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My family won't talk to me.

25 replies

GreenWhales · 04/02/2019 22:11

Sorry, this is really long but I just need advice. I had my DS a little over a month ago, I'm 28 and it wasn't in the best circumstances at all. I met his father almost two years ago and he turned out to be very abusive behind closed doors. I spent a lot of time with his parents and his mother was extremely protective of him, wouldn't hear of him doing anything wrong (I didn't tell her about the abuse, this was just a general thing). When I told him that I was pregnant, he got angrier than he ever had and I was honestly terrified he was going to kill me. I ended up running out of the house and phoned the police. There was physical evidence he'd been beating me and he got a very short term, will be out soon.
I've moved since as I want to make sure he's won't find us when he gets out. I'm in a cheaper area and am renting a studio flat- I'm on ML and did have some money saved so no serious financial worries.

I contacted my mother soon after to tell her I was pregnant and she went absolutely apeshit, telling me I was screwing up my life and it was shameful. It makes no sense, my sister had her first child when she was fifteen and my mum was really supportive, my sister stayed with the father and they have 4dc, another due soon. We have two younger siblings who she's turned against me and my sister's taken her side, as has my dad. I've tried to phone them several times since and always get the same response, none of them came to see me after the birth and my mum warned me to stay away.
I have pretty much no one to turn to, ex's father visited me once after the birth (we got on okay and he was very supportive when he found out what his son did) but said he'd be unable to visit again, due to his wife now hating me for having her son arrested.
I'm just not sure what I can do. If you have any advice at all, it would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 22:19

you'd done all you can do. You've escaped the ex, and your very strange family have made it clear they don't want to know. Your mum sounds unhinged tbh. I would say just concentrate on you and dc, and try to develop a friendship group around you - Gingerbread, Mothers and Toddlers?

Original poster

GreenWhales · 04/02/2019 22:25

Thanks. This really is very uncharacteristic for my mother, we've never been that close but she's always been quite level headed. I've had a look at groups in the area, I can't find anything for mothers and young babies, they all seem to be 18 months plus. I'll look at Gingerbread.

OP posts:

MichonnesBBF · 04/02/2019 22:29

Have never been in this situation before so apologies in advance if my advice I useless, but didn't want your post to go unanswered or you thinking no one is listening because I am

You sound very strong, maybe if the dad is getting out soon you could possibly talk to social services about the issues or possibly the police informally on ways to keep yourself and baby safe,

Would it be possible to sign up to groups in your area and try to build up friendships (a lot easier said than done I know) good luck xx

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 04/02/2019 22:30

I'm so sorry. But well.done for getting away. I don't understand why your mum would consider you've ruined your life, you're 28? You could look for any gentle parenting or babywearing groups near you, there's usually a lot of fantastic and understanding parents at them.

MichonnesBBF · 04/02/2019 22:32

AHH sorry cross post (slow typer).

If there is a community centre or local church near by, they usually have a tone of information regarding community events, library as well.

Original poster

GreenWhales · 04/02/2019 22:40

Thanks for the replies, I can have another look in the morning for groups, maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

OP posts:

RubyBoots7 · 04/02/2019 22:50

Have you tried downloading the Hoop app on your phone for what on locally to you?

NWQM · 04/02/2019 22:58

This must be so hard for you at the minute. Speak to your midwife - if you haven’t yet been discharged from community - and / or health visitor. They should have info on local groups. One option might be Homestart - who offer practical support and help. If they operate in your area they may be worth looking into.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 04/02/2019 22:58

If you're in Berkshire I run a group for single parents-pm me if you are!

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/02/2019 23:14

I think you have to put your strange family and your ex and his family behind you and go forward from here.

Finding a nice baby group whilst you are on ML and a few friends is good. Looking at nurseries when you return to work and having a back up plan for sickness days and a plan for the future. Will make things seem better

SavageBeauty73 · 04/02/2019 23:48

What a seriously bizarre reaction from your family.

Good luck. You sound lovely.

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2019 00:13

Talk to your HV, she'll have loads of info on baby groups.
Even if you didn't do NCT before birth I think they do groups for mums and babies after.

Are you rural or in a town?

propertywoe · 05/02/2019 00:44

Have you told your family everything, it sounds like your ex and maybe even his mother might have also been emotional abusing you. By spending so much time at his parents was you being isolated from your family? Did he in someway poison your family relationship?
If your family know all of this and are still hostile then your first priority is your child and trying to build a new network around you. If they cannot be there when you need them most then they are not worth it.

Original poster

GreenWhales · 05/02/2019 20:55

Just wanted to say thank you so much for the replies. I'm in quite a rural area but one of the nearby villages seems to have some of the groups you described. I did also talk to my boss about my ML, as I worked for a very small company and they weren't able to get a temporary and I thought I should let him know that I intended to take as much leave as I'm entitled to... As it turns out, the company is very quickly losing money and I wouldn't have a job to come back to in a few months. Without that, I've got nothing to stay here for and so I've decided that I'm going to move elsewhere within the next couple of months. Partly to be in an area with more job opportunities and also to distance myself from my family.
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for the kind replies, it's made me feel a lot better

OP posts:

DorisDances · 05/02/2019 21:00

Wishing you and your baby all the best OP

BlueSuffragette · 05/02/2019 21:00

Best of luck to you.

ashtrayheart · 05/02/2019 21:03

You sound very resilient. Good luck with everything

Starlighting888 · 05/02/2019 21:04

I’m sorry - but remember it is not you it is them. You sound incredibly brave and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

JenniferJareau · 05/02/2019 21:06

Hi OP,

I wonder, did your Mum suspect what he was doing to you? If so maybe she was angry you decided to have a child with him? Just grasping at straws really.

Good luck

youaremyrain · 05/02/2019 22:43

Does your mum know that you have split up from your sons dad and that he's in prison? Maybe she assumed you were choosing to make a life with him?

MitziK · 05/02/2019 22:53

It could be that she went apeshit because continuing with your pregnancy could tie you to that POS for the next 18 years.

A 15 year old pregnant is a huge mistake, IMO, but I would presume her partner wasn't abusing her and they've gone on to have more children, so I think they must have had a pretty strong relationship from that young age - two kids making a mistake but trying to make the best of it is a whole world away from your awful experience.

Have you sought advice as to whether you need to take court action to ensure that he is never able to contact you or demand contact with his child? You might be lucky and he's not interested, but it might be something you have to think about in case he comes looking.

Ballyweirdo · 05/02/2019 23:41

I hope you make it up with your mother who has reacted quite Immaturely. But maybe her issue is not your predicament but that of hers ie. Losing contact with you. Or you being far away from her comfort zone

rabbitheadlights · 05/02/2019 23:52

where are u op?

binkyblinky · 06/02/2019 00:07

Oh I wish I could come over and give you a hug. I have a 13 week old son but I'm lucky to have my hubby with me.
I'm so sorry for the terrible time.
I can also recommend the app 'mush' it's basically a dating app for mums! I've found a few friends that way.
I hope you're ok. Where are you thinking of moving to? Xx

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/02/2019 00:16

to second all the advice about groups - childrens cenntres round here run all the groups but they have been heavily cut so it depends on the are. Could you google your nearest town/city and children's centre, most of them offer some groups to nearby smaller places. Ours pay for taxis for some people who they consider at risk/in need from outlying villages.

wishing you all the best OP. Is it possible your ex has been telling your mum lies about you? Would it be worth asking her to meet you so that you can discuss it? I guess if he groomed you he could have groomed her

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