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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we might be able to turn this around?

14 replies

Iamnottheone · 04/02/2019 21:02

Last year DH announced that he was unhappy and didnt know if he loved me anymore. He talked about leaving three or four times over a period of six months and withdrew from us completely and refused to make plans for the next month, let alone think about the future.

I suspect now that he may have been depressed and holding a lot of resentment towards me for being a SAHM whilst he was working full time.

The past couple of months I feel like he is slowly coming back to us...the affection is returning, he is sharing his life with us, he seems happier, I am now working part time so the resentment is fading, and he is talking about the future again, talking about holiday plans, things for next year, etc.

Am I being naive in thinking he may be coming back?

I remember reading an article (somebody posted the link on mn) of the same thing happening to the writer. Her husband did the same thing, she told him she didn't believe him and carried on as normal. Then he came back again and the relationship got back on track.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 04/02/2019 21:05

YANBU. Has he suffered from depression before? In the past I mean....before you had a family?

It's an awful thing isn't it? People often say "oh you should leave him" but depression is like any illness...why leave your loved one when they're down?

Original poster
Iamnottheone · 04/02/2019 21:18

Fortunes Yes, it has been extremely difficult. When I look back and think that I considered giving up on him and letting him go, it makes me think what a massive mistake thay could've been for our family.

I just don't know if I'm bring delusional in thinking we could turn this around so dramatically? It's taken such a long time to get to this point. It's very much a slow process.

OP posts:
breakingthebank · 04/02/2019 21:28

Or he may have just resigned himself to being stuck in an unhappy marriage because his wife refuses to take him seriously. That's what I have done because I don't have the fight in me to divorce while we remain living in the same house. And I think my husband takes that to mean that I'm happy to stay with him and we'll work things out. You should ask your husband how he feels.

Original poster
Iamnottheone · 04/02/2019 21:32

breakingthebank But that's the thing...it was never an unhappy marriage. It's just like one day something switched.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 04/02/2019 21:35

It's possible... He would have to want it as much as you.

He could be feeling happier having resolved whatever was making him unhappy, but sometimes people appear brighter after making the decision to draw a line under a relationship because the burden of making the decision has been lifted. I don't think any of us have any way of knowing what's going on with him.

There seems to be a lot of guesswork in your op, what's communication like with him? Has any of this been talked about, like what was actually making him unhappy not just what you guessed it was?

If it has been depression (has he seen anyone for it?) then things could change for the better. Probably not to how they were before, but to something new. You can't go back, but you can go forwards.

breakingthebank · 05/02/2019 19:03

Iamnottheone from your pov it wasn't an unhappy marriage. However he clearly told you he was unhappy and he repeated this over a 6 month period. You appear to have ignored this and found various reasons why he didn't mean what he said. Have you actually asked him how he feels now? And what he was unhappy about before?

katykins85 · 05/02/2019 19:05

Why is all the responsibility on him to support you all financially? Given how he was feeling have you not taken any steps to return to work to ease the burden on him??

Somethingsmellsnice · 05/02/2019 19:35

Could he possibly have been having an affair and now it is over?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 20:19

katykins85 the Op says that she has a part time job. How do you know that the decision for her to be a sahm wasnt made jointly? Its her career/pension etc. thats been impacted on and the OP hasnt mentioned any financial worries.

Original poster
Iamnottheone · 05/02/2019 21:43

There is no option for me to work full time and this isn't what he wants anyway. We have a child with severe special needs who needs a lot of care. I also do everything for the children and around the house (and when I say everything that is not an exaggeration).

I feel quite taken aback that you seem to think because my dh has said he is unhappy that means I have to take on a huge amount of responsibilities just to make him happy.

OP posts:
User383673 · 05/02/2019 21:50

@katykins85 read the fucking OP before being so bloody hostile to a poster who is clearly having a hard time!

Trolls are out in force on this thread...

OP, YANBU. It sounds like you’ve been through a really hard time but that you might be coming out on the other side of it now. Marriages do recover from one party being very unhappy, and I really hope that’s the case for you.

Original poster
Iamnottheone · 05/02/2019 21:53

user383673 thank you for the kind words.

OP posts:
RoseRuby26 · 05/02/2019 22:10

Sounds like it's going in the right direction. I agree about trying to have more conversations regarding feelings. Good luck with it all.

Lellikelly26 · 05/02/2019 22:20

My DH and I had some serious issues. He had a few years of counselling (I had some too) and it actually took 3 years to get to a better place. We have a better relationship than ever before now

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