Here is the short version:
We split up when DS was 2, the relationship was on and off for about 5 years, my fault entirely because he always wanted us to get back together but I couldn’t commit. I’m not proud of myself but in the times we were split I did date other people (as did he) and this made things so much worse.
The real reason behind my fear of commitment though is that he had a temper (not physical but verbal) I always felt anxious around him, always on guard and not knowing when he would blow up. He would often accuse me of trying to belittle him. An example: We were having a discussion about religion. I disagreed with his viewpoint, he blew up at me and called me a f&%!ng bitch for doubting his intelligence ( I wasn’t, I was just more agnostic than him).
I did love him and wanted things to work out for DS but couldn’t put up with his paranoia and outbursts which were always sporadic enough to lull me into a false sense of security and doubt myself.
He was always reluctant to pay maintenance and I had to go through CSA. Part of me felt annoyed, part of me didn’t blame him because it was never his choice to split.
When Ds was 7 he left to go back to his home country. Stayed in touch via email (not great expressive emails, just one or two sentences) but he didn’t send a single penny to support DS and I was too scared of his anger to force it. Besides I didn’t know where he lived.
10 years later, we’ve re-connected and he’s visited once. We got on really well and have stayed in constant contact online. I feel that we’ve changed and are more mature and we have so much in common still. DS is older and although he’s not keen on talking to him at first, they always get on well once the ice is broken. I also understand his outbursts more as DS was diagnosed with Asperger’s and I suspect strongly that he has this too.
AIB a complete muggins to even consider trying things again? We’ve talked about issues such as his temper and although he apologised I don’t think he really gets it as he thinks such arguments are part and parcel of a relationship. I even got the courage to ask him why he never paid maintenance. His answer was that DS could always live with him if I wanted him to and he wouldn’t have asked for any money from me. It sounds so reasonable.
Am I being a complete idiot to even consider it? Is it possible that time and maturity have changed us? Or is paying no maintenance all these years something that I shouldn’t forgive? I can’t seem to get past that bit. But then perhaps it was unfair to expect it of him.
Sorry for long ramble. It could have been a lot longer!