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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take premature babies outside for the day?

42 replies

Seline · 04/02/2019 19:42

I know I'm not, this is to show DH because he doesn't believe me.

We had very premature twins born 26 weeks. One had a lot of health problems and needed extensive CPR and was expected to die, but both survived thank God. She possibly has cerebral palsy if that's relevant, we don't know yet and I don't think it matters for this question. Ihaven't braved going out much with them yet because it's been freezing and trying to get into a routine with twins is very difficult.

Today I managed it and took the kids out for about two hours while he was at work. I was really excited and told him and instead of being happy he's worried. He asked me not to take them out again and not without telling him, at first I was a bit annoyed but when I asked why he said it's because he's scared of them getting an illness from being around people and from being in an "unclean" environment. He also thinks they'll get cold despite me wrapping them in blankets. He has asked me not to take them out for long periods of time.

AIBU to tell him, nicely of course, that he's being ridiculous and that it's perfectly safe to take them outside?

They're now 3 and a half months old actual.

OP posts:

Therighthonourable · 04/02/2019 20:19

I was so concerned with my preemie. I made everyone wash and sanitize their hands before touching her. I didn't let children anywhere near her as the neo-natel nurses said "toddlers are their very own germ factory". A neighbours preemie caught an illness when she was taken home and sadly died so this heightened my anxiety.

I still fear the worst when my DC has a cold / snotty nose. I go straight back to that place where I thought I was going to lose her.

I fully empathise with your husband but agree that a happy medium needs to be agreed.

10storeylovesong · 04/02/2019 20:35

I had my DS at 27+2 and he had chronic lung disease, along with a whole host of other health conditions. He came home at 9 weeks and the first thing we did was put him in the pram to walk the dog, then went to the local cafe for a celebratory cake! I went to baby classes from that first week to save my sanity. He's now a very healthy 5 (6 on Sat!) year old!!

Prem births are a risk factor for PND, and getting out of the house is a massive factor in helping with this.

Original poster

Seline · 04/02/2019 20:43

Ours have chronic lung disease but aren't on any respiratory support.

OP posts:

freezinguplands · 04/02/2019 20:44

My hv was much more concerned about my mental health if I stayed indoors all day than she was about the twins going outside, she encouraged me to go for a walk with them every day. We had a v difficult birth and one was in nicu for a while afterwards. I do understand your DH's anxiety but he has to manage it and not let it control his parenting.

TulipsInbloom1 · 04/02/2019 20:46

Was he off about the 3yo being out as a baby?

Original poster

Seline · 04/02/2019 20:52

He's not usually funny about babies going out no. He says it's because DD nearly died

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 04/02/2019 20:54

I can relate to how both you and your DH feel; I’m imagining that even though they’re 3 months you probably haven’t been out of hospital for that long.
My DD was prem and I was quite anxious about taking her out at first as we were told that if she got a cold she’d have to go back into hospital. We were told to avoid supermarkets and groups until she reached a normal birth weight and not allow strangers to touch her but it was fine to go out. I was quite desperate to once we’d been home a few days as my life had been hospital and home for so long.

Original poster

Seline · 04/02/2019 20:59

They've only been home a few weeks. I was hospitalised at the end of my pregnancy and prior to that wasn't allowed to do much due to low placentas and previous losses so for the best part of nine months total I've been in and out of hospital and haven't been able to have a life, I haven't even been able to do much with DS1 which kills me because he told his preschool teacher "mummy is sad and with the doctors".

I just want some semblance of normal parenthood back because I feel so cheated.

OP posts:

CrazyBaubles · 04/02/2019 21:00

Apart from staying in, is there anything that would make him feel more relaxed? Can he talk to you HV?

I have a prem born niece. She's 18months now but things were touch and go when she was born. My sister went a little like this - she wouldn't let anyone in the house, was too scared to take her outside etc.
When we spoke, it boiled down to her feeling like niece was safe in nicu because of how clean it was and that there was specialist staff around. At home she was petrified of being responsible for this tiny 4lbs baby and the idea of adding germs and cold to that was too much.
Her partner spoke to the HV who gave her some reassurance and they made a plan which basically was to walk to the shop one day. 2 minutes down the road. To do one of the school runs for eldest dc etc.

If he's never been controlling before, I would try and be patient because it must have been terrifying to see you all so unwell BUT he needs to make a plan to address his anxieties because they aren't fair on you, eldest dc or the twins.

Sindragosan · 04/02/2019 21:03

Dad's are often neglected in these things - mums mental health is checked but not dad's. I had a bad pregnancy where I was in bad shape and our baby did unfortunately die and I got way more attention and checked up on, while dh (who was massively upset too) was mostly expected to support me. Just because you all survived doesn't mean it isn't tough on dad and he won't have issues. You need to work with each other and support each other without imposing unreasonable restrictions.

Original poster

Seline · 04/02/2019 21:12

Sindragosan I'm so sorry

OP posts:

TotHappy · 04/02/2019 21:12

Has he been out with you? Next weekend, could you all do a similar trip, couple of hours or something, maybe a family walk? That might help him. So he can actually see how they are.

Original poster

Seline · 04/02/2019 21:13

He isn't controlling. Out of the two of us im normally the more rigid inflexible one so it's out of character.

OP posts:

hankib · 04/02/2019 21:16

Hi OP, sounds like you’ve both been under a lot in a short space of time and he’s understandably very worried. However it’s very clear that keeping them indoors will drive you mad and is not much safer than outdoors really. Can he have a chat with your HV? I am a children’s nurse (previously worked in NICU) and am currently training to be a HV, if I knew of something like this I would definitely have a chat to both parents and try to ease their worries. Maybe if you started off slowly, such as a short walk and then when he realises that they’re fine, he’ll be less anxious?

Congrats on your babies!

Original poster

Seline · 05/02/2019 07:17

Thanks everyone for replying I have shown DH all the replies and he feels reassured especially by people who have had prems or worked with them. He's a bit more relaxed now

OP posts:

freezinguplands · 05/02/2019 13:02

Your dh should make sure he looks after himself as well as everyone else. My dh ended up with depression after our birth/ near death/ intensive care experience. It was I think hardest for him out of all of us.
Realized I hadn't mentioned that.

Original poster

Seline · 05/02/2019 13:45

He doesn't talk about his feelings and likely won't, but I do know he's been feeling anxious lately.

OP posts:

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