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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share my food all the time! (Light-hearted...kind of)

44 replies

OhFeckingHell · 04/02/2019 18:18

So firstly, I really do care about my step kids. They are a lovely pair and my gripe isn't with them.

But oh my God, my DH drives me nuts with this (I admit fairly minor) habit!

Basically every time we are eating, he will offer whatever we are having to the children (if we aren't having the same thing).

For example, quite often they stay for a few hours (separate to their nights with us) if their mother has something she needs to do after work and will have already had their tea. They usually end up here when me and DH are just about to have our own tea and every time he will say 'do you want some of this' and cut mine and his portions in half to give to the children who then usually say they don't like it and leave it.

Recently I've been asked by the doctor to cut out certain foods to try and isolate something they believe I'm having a reaction to. The alternative isn't very tasty so I buy this for myself and then DH and the kids have something else. Yet every time when mine is being dished up he'll ask the kids if they want to 'try' some of what I'm having and will sure enough take a slab off my plate for them!

If I ever buy a chocolate bar for myself I hear him telling them if they ask nicely I may share it with them. Which is fine by the way but it's every. time. It's as if I have to hide it from him as well if I ever want more than a square of chocolate to myself.

I snapped the other day and asked him not to offer a portion of my 'special' food because it just goes to waste, they never like it and then I have to buy more for me.

I sound like a greedy cow but it drives me bloody bonkers! I don't mind sharing and will often ask if they want to try some if there is plenty to go around and we haven't already started cooking but I just want to be able to eat something without worrying it's about to be cut in two!

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 04/02/2019 19:33

I can understand him giving them a taste, but why the hell does it need to be half of whatever you're eating? And why does he feel he can give your dinner away? Does he not think you will be hungry later?

I would tell him you would like him to cook more dinner if he wants to offer them half the meal, as it is leaving them hungry. But I also agree with pps that this gives them a poor message about eating till full, etc. Why can't they have fruit/yogurt if they are hungry when you eat? It's not as though they haven't had a leak.

OVienna · 04/02/2019 19:33

Smother him.

Seriously - just tell him it's your dinner and you haven't eaten but the kids have. 'Please don't offer my meal.'

Tolleshunt · 04/02/2019 19:34

Meal, even!

Tcga745 · 04/02/2019 19:34

My oh kind of does this but not with supper. He’ll come back from the shops with crisps and biscuits because it will make the children “happy.” I have pointed out to him that not having whatever nonsense he has bought does not make them unhappy but that him buying it makes me positively unhappy. So whilst his intentions may be good hearted they are unkind to me. It’s slow work though, he came home today with a family pack of Doritos because ds wanted them for a pre supper snack wtf... the answer to which is obv “no.”
Good luck, I think he is trying too hard!

Tolleshunt · 04/02/2019 19:35

Leaving YOU hungry!

I agree with OVienna. Tell him he is free to offer his own dinner, but please not to offer yours.

MumW · 04/02/2019 19:37

Tell him your portions are measured and weighed as part of the new diet regime.

Just out of interest, what food stuff are you cutting out?

Are you meals more expensive?

KurriKurri · 04/02/2019 19:43

I just don't understand why he think they woudl feel left out. how old are they ? Sound like they are old enough to understand sometimes people have meals at different times - they've had a meal, so they aren't hungry why would they feel left out because you are having one ? - it makes no sense.

This would really get on my wick. But I hate people interfering with my food I had a friend who used to shovel stuff she didn't want onto my plate without asking me - it made me murderous.

AdaColeman · 04/02/2019 19:57

You need to tell him to stop doing it.
Next time he attempts to cut up your food, take your plate away and say loudly the he can share his if he wants to but you are not sharing your portion.
It's incredibly disrespectful and controlling of him to be removing your food.
As soon as he starts asking them if they want some, you must interrupt and say they you are going to eat your own meal.

You must do the every single time.
Do you just sit silently and watch him giving away your meal? Why?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/02/2019 20:01

Why doesn't he just start with small bites and they can have more if they're genuinely hungry and like it. My niece always asks for more when im serving up and sometimes leave it so I say let's start with this, and if she asks for more I say 'of course, when youve finished what's on your plate'. Then they'd he trying stuff but only wasting a mouthful

SneakyGremlins · 04/02/2019 20:10

I never share my food. YANBU.

StrawberrySquash · 04/02/2019 20:44

I'm all for trying things, but it should be a taste, not half your meal. I would sit him down and say please can he just cut them off a mouthful if and only if they want one.
I wonder if there are some issues with him feeling he 'should' be feeding them as their father, even though it's illogical as they've already eaten.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 04/02/2019 20:46

I'm sorry, but where's the Friends quote?

Joey doesn't share food.

And neither should you have to like that.

Maybe they can be offered a taste from your plates rather than half a portion. They don't need offered a second meal every time they come to you when they've already been fed.

Could it be your dh finds it difficult if there are people around who aren't eating when he is eating, some people have to cater for everyone whether or not they want it.

Have a word with him when the children aren't around and maybe agree on having certain things in plentiful supply when they are there so they can have a snack while you're eating if they are hungry. Things like fruit, cheese, crackers, breadsticks and dips etc.

IShitGlitter · 04/02/2019 20:49

On them days if theve already had there tea why dont you give them a nice pudding to have with you while your eating your tea. I hate to see people not eating when in having my tea. I cant imagine they will want yours when theres a nice chocolate cake and custard/fresh fruit meringues/rice pudding/pancakes and fruit/strawberries and cream or icecream

Eliza9917 · 04/02/2019 20:55

This has made me angry on op's behalf.

Come back and tell us what he said when you talk to him op.

longtimelurkerhelen · 04/02/2019 21:17

@DeathyMcDeathStarFace

I'm sorry, but where's the Friends quote? Joey doesn't share food

This was the first thing that sprung to mind.

Seriously you need to have a word with him.

First thing I learned when living with my dh was the best place to hide the chocolate.

Some people just like feeding everyone, maybe he is just that way inclined.

anniehm · 04/02/2019 21:47

He's trying to be hospitable, but he needs to ask them if they want food and perhaps have a stock of suitable treats instead - cake, pain au chocolat, yogurts etc

BiddyPop · 05/02/2019 08:54

Even if they do want a “taste”, it should be a taste and not half an adult dinner. They have already had their dinner and it is leaving you to go hungry, quite part from wasting food and continuing to impact adversely on global warming.

Can he compromise to giving them a small amount, and also to arranging to have larger amounts prepared sot hat you actually get a proper serving?

As for taking things that you are having as part of a medical investigation, that’s not on.

Nor is asking every time about sharing your chocolate etc.

Can you put treat things in a cupboard that they can go to themselves? Nice things, but On the proviso that when it’s gone, it’s gone. And that specific things you have bought for yourself are for you to decide.

Eliza9917 · 05/02/2019 09:06

Can he compromise to giving them a small amount, and also to arranging to have larger amounts prepared sot hat you actually get a proper serving?

Why do people keep saying this? They've had their dinner, they don't need another one and they don't need to eat every time someone else does. They certainly don't need to eat what OP & DH are having either.

Mousetolioness · 05/02/2019 10:32

I don't know the correct terminology but it struck me that:

It's an issue with him and boundaries. He's effectively, without consulting you, crossing the line when he trespasses onto your plate of food. It is a bit thoughtless or bloody disrespectful (depending on what's on the plate and how much you were looking forward to it!)

Even if his intentions are good he isn't thinking it through. It smacks not just of encouraging his kids to try new things but possibly an overwhelming desire to demonstrate by his actions he (and you) would take the food off your plates for them, and the portion has to be half as he doesn't want to be seen as mean and/or is showing them they are entitled to a 'fair share' of whatever is going.

Given his children don't eat the food but push it around their plates I'd think he has probably obliged/embarrassed them into accepting the food. I imagine they are polite and are doing the right thing, as they see it.

I'm probably over thinking this tbh!

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