To not know how to cope with families mental health anymore...?

[Forest2017]

I’m in my late twenties, l have a career in London, caring partner.

Both my parents have mental health issues- father is bipolar but largely seems ok due to medication being closely monitored. He did have a bad few months in beg 2018

My mother has suffered from depression for as long as I remember. Owing to my fathers break down and then circumstances surrounded her job which meant she left. She’s suffered badly from empty nest when myself and sibling left home.

I’m a very supportive daughter but do have my own mental health to worry about- very much under control but I find having to cope or be relied upon during my parents issues extremely hard. I’m relied upon constantly with messages daily, made to feel guilty if I cannot chat on the phone during a low period, my mother is extremely needy- lonely, won’t involve herself in hobbies, has a negative aspect on life and it is extremely draining. She doesn’t think before speaking and when she drinks she’s awful.
She is extremely tearful all the time and she turns nasty on me (never my sibling whom is younger)

They offer me a lot of “help” and always advice but mostly because they seem to be lacking in any self enjoyment. I spend the weekend with them but I always feel stressed after. Xmas is not enjoyable for me.

My sibling cannot help as they too are currently struggling- won’t admit it but are extremely low. And my father said he married the wrong woman and would do things differently if he could. Everyone comes to me but I just can’t cope with it all.

I feel like my life is a constant battle of parenting my own parents and I don’t know where to turn to. Friends suggest counselling- would mind charity be worth a call?

I posted in AIBU for traffic. But also because sometimes I just want to turn around and tell them to sort it all out as I’m so fed up, friends also tell me to tell them that if they don’t sort themselves out I won’t see them. For me this isn’t helpful for someone with mental health issues.

Any advice or support appreciated

I really feel for you. My own parents suffered serious mental health issues my whole life and it was incredibly stressful to deal with. They have both passed away now but there was never any resolution, nothing ever changed their outlook. My best advice is look after yourself. You can't change other people, no matter how much you- or they -might want that to be the case. They have made their own life decisions as is their right but you get to make yours. Look after yourself

Just wanted to add that I found counseling incredibly helpful.

My parents are similar- although divorced and live apart, and over time I have gone lower contact with them. I found this site online called Out of the FOG, helpful. they kept asking me to make decisions for them and being needy, too and having children as well it was just too much in the end...

I firmly believe you need to tell your mother that you've had enough. Her mental health issues do not give her a pass to abuse you. You are currently a prisoner to her emotional terrorism and you're the only one who can stop this. Your mother needs a therapist and you are NOT a therapist, you are merely her punching bag. Set very form boundaries and stick to them. If she starts abusing you whilst on the phone, hang up immediately, every time. You have got to make your own mental health your top priority.

Home77 - outofthefog.website - that's a great website, wish I'd known it existed. My dad was schizophrenic and I'm sure mum had a personality disorder. She was also a serious hoarder. I think when you grow up in such a dysfunctional environment as the 'normal' one you tend to feel an unbalanced sense of responsibility for them and their chaos. Hard to let it go. The counseling helped me with building and maintaining healthier boundaries.

Thank you for this advice. I will go away and look at these option and also ask my doctor for a counselling referral as can’t afford private.

My mother currently refuses to accept anything is wrong with her which is an impossible situation

I agree with all the above advice. You might find having rules helpful. See them for a shorter amount of time: I can only stay for half an hour, keep it breezy and practical, turn your phone off. Most of all protect your relationship with your partner and friends. They are giving good advice but May weary of the situation if you stay stuck. Sorry, sounds harsh but I hope it helps. Good luck x

You need to slowly but surely detach from them as much as you can, so they have the least impact possible on your life. Sounds it's become intolerable, and there are times when one has to choose your own health. I don't think suddenly going no contact is the answer, or even no contact done gradually, just the minimum.