how do i deal with my mum?

[drwlb]

so i have no idea how to deal with this situation. me and my mum aren’t talking. it’s been building up for so so long and now we’ve come to blows and i don’t know who’s in the wrong.

my mum lost her job a few months ago, and she’s obviously bored at home so she keeps saying she’ll help about my house. i’ve told her that as much as i appreciate it i’d rather she didn’t. she didn’t listen and went round to mines and rearranged my whole kitchen and now i can’t find anything. she took massive offence to this and now saying i’m an ungrateful so and so. i’m suffering greatly from depression and anxiety just now, so i get that she is trying to make my life easier but when i can’t find anything in my kitchen it sends me into overdrive.

the thing that tipped me over the edge is she has been opening my post. anything and everything, she just opens it then phones me at work to tell me. i’ve had enough and i don’t know what to do.

she criticises my parenting constantly, i’m a single mum to a 6 year old boy and i work 2 jobs(6days a week) so yes there are some days where there is a load of washing to be done or my dishes are sitting from the night before but she makes out i live in a dump and i’m horrible to my 6 year old when i say no to chocolate or him watching tv or having the ipad. when he doesn’t listen and i have to raise my voice, i’m horrible, when i count to 3 to get him to do things i’m horrible. when i ask him to do something and she’s there, she’s like a parrot repeating everything i say.

i just feel like i can’t do right, has anyone else been in this situation? i’m totally lost with what to do

1st things first, lock the door so she can’t get in, and take any spare keys that she has!

I think the fact that you don’t know who’s in the wrong speaks volumes.
Your mum is massively in the wrong !! So please don’t feel you have done anything wrong. She is really overstepping boundaries and just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.
I’d let her know firmly that whilst you appreciate some help she has no right to take over, rearranging things, be critical etc.

I know it's your mum but that's trespassing. It's wrong. Why does she think after you telling her not to that she is helping?! Can you change the locks or at least lock it and bolt the door? I know that drastic but for you currently that seems reasonable thing to do. I don't get why she feels this is her space to invade. The letters thing really gets me, that's so personal.

I am afraid that she is over-stepping the mark. You have made it clear that you do not want her doing all this stuff and she must listen to that.

Maybe you need to calmly say where you stand and if she takes no notice then change the locks - and tell her that bis what you will have to do.

I have several adult DDs and would not dream of wandering in to their place uninvited - and as for opening their post.........words fail me! I only do what I am asked to do; and always ask if they are OK with anything I plan to do.

It is clear that she is feeling at a loose end, but she cannot dump this problem on you.

changing the locks is a tricky one, as i rely on her and my brother to help with the dog. they go round and let her out/walk her when i’m at work.

she doesn’t provide childcare during the week but she has my little one when i work weekends.

everytime i try to tell her how i feel she tells me she gets it or tells me it’s my own fault because i never do anything in my house etc

I'd let the rearranging of your house slide for now - you've told her you didn't appreciate it, and regardless of her reaction to that she should know not to do it again.

With regards to opening your post - that is illegal and she absolutely should not be doing it. Tell her this.

If you rely on her helping with the dog in the week and can't change the locks, you just need to be more firm about your boundaries. Explain that it's not up to her how you keep your house and you don't need her to do these things for you.

Suggest to her if she can't be trusted you will get a dog walker and alternative child care.
Ime when anyone has your dc to look after they take it as a green light to become over invested in your life.

Just be honest with your mum and say it isn't working. You don't want to fall out over this, you're an adult and it's confusing for your son when she undermines your parenting.

A normal loving mum wouldn’t stamp all over your boundaries and criticise you. She’d offer help and preserve your privacy - stack your post on the table for you, not open and read it, ffs! Instead of criticising the washing pile, she would just put a wash on for you, to be kind and help out.
Your mother is being very negative and undermining you, and this needs to stop.
I appreciate you might not have the spare time to go to counselling or assertiveness training, but there may be helpful material online. You need to draw some firm lines with your mother and stick to them. She is still treating you like a small child, which is very disrespectful of your adult autonomy. If you don’t nip this in the bud, it will be the pattern for your whole future life with her. Good luck, OP - time to show mummy that her little girl is all grown up!

You have such a lot on your plate, did you say 2 jobs, work 6 days a week plus a dog?? Not mentioning small DC?
I would rehome the dog and change locks or take back keys.

What does your brother think about the situation? Can you get him onside? Because a serious meeting is needed soonest.

rehoming my dog is not an option, i didn’t get her just to rehome her!

my brother has high functioning autism so can’t really deal with social situations let alone all the confrontation! so getting him involved isn’t really an opinion..

Could you get a dog walker?

Posted too soon
Could you get a dog walker?
If it are asking an outside company to cine in then there will be no need for anyone to have acess to your home.
It might be worth looking into if finances permit.

i’m currently trying to look into a dog walker but they are few and far between where i live.

i’ll try speaking to her again, i just hope she understands where i’m coming from eventually

I have a mum like this! What worked for me was disengaging from her and cutting down contact very slowly.

So when she offers opinions on my life, I externally agree with her. And totally ignore her . Most of the things she suggests are for things I ought to do in the future, it’s not like she can make me do them, so agreeing but ignoring works perfectly. When she calls me up on it, I act all wide eyed innocent and scatty ‘did I say i’d do that?! How funny, oh maybe I’ll do it like that next time’ don’t engage with any arguments. Stay pleasant but quiet.

Then cut down contact slowly so she doesn’t notice and cause an atmosphere. ‘Please do twalk the dog on Tuesday’s Mum, son and I like doing it after school’ after a term or so, increase this to tuesdays and fridays. Find times that you can walk the dog with your child. It is doable if you really want it.

After another term, throw in a dog walker/cleaner once per week, cutting it down even more. ‘Please don’t clean for me any more Mum, a friend of mine is on hard times and is going to clean on a Wednesday as well as walk the dog’

All the time ignoring the he negative and finding times to spend time with her, at her house, for positive reasons.

Good luck.