To feel upset I don't get along with my Mum.

[MondeoFan]

Hi just wondering if anyone else doesn't have a good relationship with their mum. It's upsets me greatly as I think it's a shame that after all these years our relationship is still so awful.
She wasn't very loving when me and my brother were growing up and she never cuddled us or said she loved us. I know not everyone is cuddly. She had a difficult relationship with her own mother and they would go periods without talking, I think the longest was 3 or 4 years until my mums gran died and her mum got in touch to tell her then they stayed back in contact after that.

I'm mid 40s and my mum still tries to tell me what to do. If I don't agree she won't talk to me. That says to me that she is trying to treat me the same way her own mum treated her even though she knows it's hurtful. I'm so bored of it, I'm bored of always having to chase her every single time she doesn't talk to me, it's always me that has to say sorry even though I feel i did nothing wrong.
She hasn't been talking to me for a month now over my dads birthday and as a result they didn't turn up my my DD birthday party the next day.
I sent her birthday cards for yesterday and sent her a text, but nothing so I guess she's ignoring me.
I have 2 DD and would never treat them like this. I'm the total opposite and always cuddle them and tell them I love them.
My 2 DD are not close to their grandparents as they don't phone them or take them out although I do take my 2 DD to visit them normally once a month or 6 weeks.
I don't want to cut my mum off completely as I worry that if they die and we haven't seen each other how would I feel? How would I feel I didn't see them in their final years?
But I just don't know what to do anymore. Should I carry on apologising and biting my tongue so my girls can continue to have a relationship with their grandparents or should I just accept my mum is cold and unforgiving and unloving and just leave her to it?

OP, I asked my GP and even if they won't refer you they may well have flyers for local practices. You can of course google your local area. I myself found a college for trainee psychotherapists (post graduate) where they offered £5 sessions. I had an initial consultation with the centre director who felt I needed long term therapy and allocated me to a training therapist in her final year of her course. She was about 30 at the time, a few years younger than me. Shw was superb and I think as she was still technically training (although far through her course) she was really "on it" and switched on and I had some amazing breakthroughs. She has subsequently qualified (2 years now) and I continue to see her and she offers me half price rates. She has been amazing!

Before that about 10 years ago I tried another therapy practice and she was an older woman. I never quite clicked in those sessions. It wasn't until I left there that I realised- talking to an older lady probably wasn't a great idea when I had mother issues!

So I would recommend seeing if there are similar low cost options in your area- as once a week is essential at the beginning. Unless money is no object of course in which case you can find someone tomorrow.

Do undertake this work and read those books- it really is important that your whole life isn't defined by your mother. You owe it to your younger self to feel better. X

gonnabe40

Thank you....so helpful 👍🏻