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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shut DDs door

54 replies

agirlhasnonameX · 04/02/2019 08:22

DD is 3. Remembering the hell that ensued when DD1 slept in a real bed quite a few years ago, I've kept DD2 in her cot as long as I felt suitable, so she has only been in a proper bed for two weeks.
She is normally a great sleeper but has been up constantly, when she goes to bed and all through the night, we slept three hours last night.
She has been in her own room since 9months and since she could communicate has always been afraid of things whilst there- ghosts, hat wearing monsters, strange noises, the front door which she can see from her room.
A few nights ago I told her if she got up again I'd close her bedroom door, she did, I did, she cried for a few mins and I felt terrible, went in and she said "that was really scary." But she stayed in bed after that so that I'd keep the door open.
AIBU to even threaten that if she doesn't stay in bed I'll close the door? I think I probably am and it's lazy and makes me feel a bit abusive using fear as a tactic, but I don't sleep well at the best of times and really exhausted already, struggling to function.

OP posts:

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 10:18

Shutting the door isn't going to help. Your child is scared, you need to fix the problem not close a door on her

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 10:18

Closing the door is fine. But you're reinforcing the idea that having the door closed is scary, by using it as a threat. That will make her more scared of it being shut. How about (for example) getting her a special cuddly toy that you claim is very scared, and that she needs to comfort by showing the toy that it is OK to be in the room alone?

PinaColada1 · 04/02/2019 10:24

Don’t use fear as a tactic!

Use rewards. You will go in and cuddle her but only if she’s stayed in bed. Etc. remember it will get better too, there’s patience needed.

Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 04/02/2019 10:26

I always close 2 year old DS door at night. Always have done from being a baby though so he is used to it.

Juells · 04/02/2019 10:31

Never closed my children's bedroom doors :( Seems cruel to shut them in away from all other life in the house.

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 10:37

I close my own bedroom door as it is nice and quiet and helps me sleep, and did my children the same favour.

HereComesBob · 04/02/2019 10:38

My 3 year old sleeps behind a closed door, she can open her door so can my attention if she needs anything but never comes out once she's in bed she can shout me as well if needs be

I always felt in the event of a fire if I couldn't get to her she's safer behind a closed door waiting to be rescued by the Fire Brigade. I do leave the babygate open though and only use that during the day.

BIgBagofJelly · 04/02/2019 10:39

Wow no way should you shut her bedroom door. I get that it's frustrating and exhausting but if she's scared you need to solve the actual problem not just stop the problem inconveniencing you. The poor girl will be too frightened to come to you if she's scared at night!

If you think she's not really scared and just attention seeking then just put her back to bed without giving her attention.

BIgBagofJelly · 04/02/2019 10:40

Of course lots of children are fine sleeping behind a closed door which is fine but if it scares OP's child it would be cruel to shut the door.

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 10:41

The problem is not the door shutting. It's the fear-mongering.

The child is afraid of being in the room alone (door open OR shut). You need to convince her that being in the room alone is not frightening; to make it feel less scary. Saying "If you do X, I will SHUT THE DOOR", as if shutting the door is a horrible, scarier threat, will make her more scared of being in the room alone.

Biggerknickersagain · 04/02/2019 10:43

Hmm, I'm split on this. On the one hand as a young child my door was always open, but at 5 I got a step dad and he wanted the door shut, not because I got up a lot, to me there was no reason at all - I realise now because they wanted privacy, but at 5 I didn't. The door was shut and I remember being paralysed by fear, sobbing and being too scared to open my eyes, never mind get up, so in one regard it worked to stop me getting up if I was going to! But then I was 5 and any changes are a big deal when you experience it for the first time. It has had a long term effect though, I feel uneasy in rooms with the door shut, especially when it's dark. It's not had a massive limiting effect on my life, I live in my own home how I want to so open doors aren't a problem, and I can cope if I go anywhere else, but if I have a choice, the door is open.
I can see that this is a bargaining tool you can use to get her to stay in bed, and if it works without too much distress then I think it's a fair way of teaching her actions have concequences - stay in bed and the door stays open, keep getting up and it gets shut. It's not like you're saying the door gets shut regardless and she's terrified.

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 10:44

Do you read her a book when she's in bed? Another trick is to read a really nice story, and then suggest that the child tell her teddy the same story again. It distracts them, and they are thinking positive thoughts.

HappyAndYouKnowItGlugTheWine · 04/02/2019 11:04

I've always shut DS's door at night as soon as I leave after putting him to bed - bit different though as he's always slept in a pitch black room at night so isn't scared or anything. I think it's fine.... also I don't know about your toddlers but my 2yr old can open the door perfectly fine if he needed to (and does regularly when he goes in and out of his bedroom to play during the day!)

kateandme · 04/02/2019 11:09

I can remember sleeping with the door open! I think of opening it now and it makes me feel all weird lol.
My db gf has to sleep with it open and bathroom light on.shes 20.

HexagonalBattenburg · 04/02/2019 11:10

Don't shut our kids' door because the doors are the original ones with high up handles and the kids struggle to open them with the increased handle height.

We had a lot of fussing and fear of the dark/monsters/interesting shadows - in the end I bunged the fairy lights off the Christmas tree hung up in there and switch them on on a night and it was enough to stop it all and settle them (mine share a room) fine.

fullforce · 04/02/2019 11:11

Can she not open the door anyway? Sorry NRTFT. My 3 year old can open and close doors so I leave it to her. Has she got a night light? Those Gro-Clock things are amazing and helps them learn the difference between night and day

LittleMissPonsible · 04/02/2019 11:11

Do you think the threat alone would work? Do you think you’d actually have to follow through? Sleep deprivation sucks, I think I would have threatened this too. If you actually have to keep following through with your threat then I’d try something else.

Original poster

agirlhasnonameX · 04/02/2019 13:58

Thank you all for the replies. Just to be clear DD isn't lying in bed afraid to get out, quite the opposite and it was more the threat, but of course if the threat didn't work it would be pointless as wouldn't be able to follow through.
Makes sense that it will make her fear worse making the door closed a bad thing though.
I honestly don't know where she first heard about ghosts but the monsters has only been since Halloween last year.
She has a night light and a star projector and a story in bed.
I think I am BU I'm just so tired and so is she and nothing else seems to be working.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 14:01

You'll work something out :) have a cup of coffee and think of something sneaky to trick her with :)

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2019 14:09

And if she learns to open the doir, will you then lock it? YANBU to be at the end of your tether, but it would be unreasonable to shut her in. She needs to learn to stay in bed because you say so, not because she's imprisoned.

Pinkyponker · 04/02/2019 14:11

I think some posters are being a bit harsh making you out to cruel for closing the door!

my kids aren't great sleepers so I understand the desperation to try and find something that works.

I'm also surprised at the amount of posters who think a shut door is cruel but actually for fire safety reasons all doors should really be closed.

whatacrapusername2306 · 04/02/2019 14:20

My youngest DD was the same. However I always closed the door, even in a cot. I bought her a ‘special’ bear that I told her had powers to stop anything being scary in her room and would protect her against upsetting dreams. All she had to do is cuddle with him all night. I said he loves sleeping as doesn’t like to get up until morning time . Worked a treat, never had a problem again.

2ducks2ducklings · 04/02/2019 14:23

I'd do it. If it works and she slept and you slept, why wouldn't you?

Crunchymum · 04/02/2019 14:26

Both of my older kids (baby is still in with us) hate their bedroom door closed. So I don't close it and if I did, it would be cruel given I know they both hate it. That said they sleep just fine with doors open.

NutElla5x · 04/02/2019 18:51

I let my little ones come in with us when they got scared op Would you consider that?

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