evil work biatches - give me hope!

[tympanic]

After yet another week of horrendous sabotage from the mean girl brigade at my work I'm in dire need of some optimism.

My workplace is toxic to its very core but I am not in a position at the moment to readily find something else. I'm not looking for advice or ideas to seek vengeance (though they might be amusing...). Believe me, I've tried everything above board short of a lobotomy to make the situation better for myself. I'm just looking for stories where other women - after being the underdog - prevailed in the end, to help keep me from losing my shit completely lest I go nuclear on these bitches.

Help me, O'Mumsnet Kenobis. You're my only hope.

Gosh, reading all this it sounds like I've been pretty lucky with workplaces (been self-employed and on my own for nearly 15 years now). The only issue I ever had was when I worked in IT support for a large chain of shops. I always used to volunteer to work Christmas Day (airport stores were still trading so someone needed to be on the end of a mobile phone) and Boxing Day. One of the daily jobs our team had to do was run a program which checked all the servers in the individual stores were up and running, which I did, and all were fine. Got into the office on the 27th to find one of the three team leaders brandishing a piece of paper at me, with manager standing with folded arms behind her, and asking why I hadn't run the store checks job, as X store (not in the UK, hadn't traded Boxing Day) had come in to find their system down. I had the logs saved to my own user account, pulled them up, proved the box had been up at 5pm the previous evening when I finished. Team leader started to look a little shifty. Manager signed onto the box, checked the logs and found that at 9pm the previous evening a higher-level sign-on used only by the three team leaders (shared between the three of them) had connected remotely and deliberately powered the box down. Team leader was taken off for a little chat...

Had this aged 19. I worked in a small team. When i started i was given Amazing manager when i started and been the best person i ever worked with. She trained me and encouraged me. We worked well together but sadly she moved to a better job internally so left me with bitch. My ex manager phoned me at work one day and i was unable to talk as had a whole morning of being verbally attacked after 6 months of hell. My ex manager said down the phone stay where you are, Im coming. Two minutes she stormed into the open plan office with the head of the company said im taking londonrach to the canteen and left the head of the company in the room. Id worked with him something the bitch didnt know.

Seems they knew what were going on. Bitch had done it to others. She was moved away from me to other side of room. She never spoke to me again. I left shortly afterwards as decided to go to uni. I returned at xmas to see everyone and bitch kept her head down and kept working whilst everyone in the company came to down to me including the head. One of the lesser managers whispers into my ear bitch was being phased out and controlled by head who had been furious the situation happened. I never returned but still facebook friends with my ex manager. I passed my uni degree and feel escaping was the best thing i ever did but not sure when you in the middle of it you have the strength to escape. Thanks to my ex manager that day who gave me the insight her behaviour wasnt something you put up with. I still remember the bitches name though!

That is so horrible for you OP. I’ve gone through a few different bouts of bullies, from primary school all the way up to a few years ago. IMO you’re not going to change them, or their behaviour, the only thing you can change is your reaction.

Try and take a step back and think about how much they really are unimportant in your life. I’m sure if you left work tomorrow you would never have to give them a second thought. So just go with that. Remember you’re going into work to do a job, put your energy into that and let the school mentality bitches do their thing.

Keep your head high, be confident in yourself and you’ll see that it will flummox them, it takes away their power once they know they can’t affect you.

Reminds me of an anecdote in my previous job where one girl was kicking off about something, very vaguely to do with me, and all the other colleagues were flapping like headless chickens trying to appease her. Once she saw I was just carrying on as normal, and when asked told her that I had done nothing to be feeling worried about or apologising for, she simmered right back down because I wasn’t going to buy into her tantrum.

I just got on with my work as politely as every other day and she was the one left looking stupid!

Take back your power OP and don’t let the bitches get you down ;)

How depressing to see lots of managers turning a blind eye instead of stamping out bullying in the workplace

The best thing you can do is appear like you give zero fucks.Dont talk to the ones who ignore you,walk around with your head held high and just have time for the colleagues you like.I have been in this situation and I found this works

I used to work in retail management and I joined a huge retailer (two letter name, from Scandinavia) just before Christmas 2017. The overall boss was horrible from the get go. I was given no time to learn or correct mistakes- or given any second chances, she would blank me for days or be incredibly dismissive and I knew from her dealings with other staff members that she could never say a nice word about anyone. I had a thread on here at the time asking people to talk me down from walking out mid shift. General consensus was to stay as the job was needed - and give her a chance after Christmas as she was probably so stressed. I'm not quite sure how as she deliberately only worked earlies, would then leave early and would deliberately not clock out & amend her hours on the computerised system to remove the evidence. She even worked earlies when she was meant to work lates; I turned up once to do an early shift and found her there claiming I must not have seen the hrs change on the rota app. She'd changed them at 5am and had removed the paper copy. I didn't argue as I had given notice 2 days before and it wasn't worth it.

I had three days off over Christmas, spent them at my parents and my mum said the day I woke up to go back to work, she didn't recognised the person who shrank at the table and sobbed in silence. My mum was having her knee replaced and was trying to sell two houses at the time so she offered me 3 months wages to "help" her and give work an exit alibi so I didn't give my bully the satisfaction of knowing she'd driven me out. Considered it, had my worst ever day and had my notice ready to give in the next morning. Worked my notice for the money and so the bitch could go on holiday- so I wouldn't have to work with her for nearly all of my notice. I'd lasted 5 weeks in total.

She came to my leaving do, ignored me all night and took pictures of me with colleagues I was fond of and put them on social media with rude captions. I was told at the time to complain to HR as I left but they don't take complaints seriously if you've left- or if you still work there- and I didn't want prolonged involvement. So many colleagues said they wished they could go, too- because of her. I started a stampede. I left mid jan, there were only 3 people from my time there by july and only one is there now. One person left because the bully was trying to get her fired, others because she bullied them- including people walking out. Company ignored the sheer volume of complaints.

The jokes on her now as she has tried to tempt people back to cover a staffing shortage & has been told to fuck off, and was so short staffed one day she ended up lone trading. Lone trading whilst so pregnant that not being able to leave the shop floor resulted in her nearly wetting herself. I'd normally be horrified but it couldn't happen to a more deserving person. I've left the industry now, I live well. A new uk region manager investigated why my old store has highest staff turn over & lowest retention rate in the uk. Bitch finally got demoted and moved.

And if that fails just chin the ringleader (half joking)

Oh god yes I've been there, British Steel early 90's. They had or thought they had jobs for life and could behave as they pleased. Out of an office of 40 people, probably 4 were ok and the rest hated me, the 4 were not under my leadership sadly. Months and months of not keeping me informed and trying to show me up, until I learned to ropes. Long term sickness was rife in those days, 26 weeks per year before you dropped on to half pay, they made sure they took their quota, then office full of temps and it was quite niche work, so not ideal for temps.

It culminated in me being hit over the head with a salad sandwich in a plastic bag, I'd asked if she had phoned the bank to see what payments had come in, in Deutschmarks, she bent down and appeared to be sobbing but was rooting out the sandwich to batter me with !! The departmental head came running out of his office to see what I'd done to her, she was making so much noise with fake sobbing. She got carted off to medical and guess what, 26 weeks long term sick.

I got promoted shortly after on the grounds I could handle people, departmental manager knew her of old. Oddly enough her surname was Strange lol

@whyohwhydoibother

Absolutely right. One particular bitch at my work has done several of the things you listed. And any time she pushed it way too far she'll fake an illness/personal crisis and return to work only after she knows the coast is clear. It's amazing how many people are aware she does this and loathe her vile ways, yet she manages to continue to get away with it every time. Moreover, like we've all seen happen... she gets promoted! Mind-boggling.

You're right about trying to work out why all this upsets me. I'm not thin skinned at all. But when it's relentless and you've worked really hard to get your career to where it is, and that career is an important part of your self-identity it's hard not to get worn down by it. Having good chat with nice people at work is one of the perks of working in an office, so I can't fathom why people actually thrive on very deliberately creating bitchy unpleasantness.

@Accountant Crazy story! She actually whacked you with a sandwich then claimed she had to go off on stress leave? Why? Because of you?!

Some very common themes here. As mentioned before one of the bullies at my work pushed several (individual) women to the brink where they were about to make formal complaints to HR about her, only for her to suddenly have a "crisis" and her vile sidekicks spread the word to "be nice" to her. Every. Time. She probably needn't have bothered though, as HR is hopeless and wouldn't have done anything anyway. Another common theme, it seems.

I'm self employed and started a contract under the most amazing manager (male) who was simply the best person I've ever worked with - fast forward a couple of months and he is pushed aside and I'm assigned to Bitchboss. Her opening words to me were " I tell it as it is and I have a reputation as a bit of a Bitch. I hope you don't have a problem with that'.
Ooookay.
Left 5 months later.
Dreadful woman and a complete c*nt.

Years ago when I started a new job most colleagues belonged to the "tea-boat", organised by my boss. He told me I couldn't join as I was new and their "boat" was full and the drinks machine was that way.

Come tea-time, most of my colleagues would form a circle around my desk with their cups of tea and start bitching, mostly led by my boss, about anyone who wasn't in the office that day.

I did discuss their behaviour with another "not allowed in the boat" and he said "they've always stood in that spot and if you ask them to move then they'll be bitching about you".

When a huge round of redundancies came, I kept my job but luckily I got another (better) one. While I was working out my notice I used to inwardly chuckle when I saw my bosses 10-page CV(!) being printed day after day as he applied for job after job. He had upset so many people in the industry over the years that he was forced to retire early.

Kill them with kindness? No, four or five years on, I would still rather like to slap them and hope,I never set eyes on them again.

This^

Thanks for your earlier reply OP. However, stay calm, cool, professional. ONLY speak to them with regard to work. Not even a hello, good morning, goodbye. Nope.

I once had a major falling out with a manager. She let me down and was quite dismissive of me, I glared at her. I was considered to be at fault. However, to cut a long story short, my boss told me I had a business relationship with that manager (who had a reputation for being a ratbag.) I took that to mean, in other words, only communicate with her about work from now on and keep it civil, but keep it brief.

@Panic Another common theme. The whole coffee thing. In the beginning I used to ask everyone if they wanted a coffee as I was getting one for myself from the cafe. Immediately I picked up on a bit of weirdness but wrote it off. Would come back arms full of their concoctions (no one offered to help) and they treated me like I was a junior tea runner or something. Like I said in an earlier post I'm newish to the team and consider us to be equal even though I'm more experienced than most if not all of them. Told them they could get the next round. Surprise surprise, they never did. They ask everyone else if they want a coffee but never me. Head off to the cafes whispering in pairs, threesomes etc... Pathetic really. Not quite as pathetic as standing around your desk drinking said coffees and bitching in their boat, but pathetic nonetheless.

tympanic I worked in a place where I was the junior and used to go out and get everyone's bun order, but people were nice and friendly, and always thanked me for buying what they asked for, so I didn't mind (and I used to get to walk around town to different bakeries and it felt like skiving!).

I had this in my first ever management role - I'd got the job over a popular internal candidate and as a result the majority of the team hated me before I'd even started. They were so mean that I cried on the tube all the way home for about two weeks. It was like being back at school - people ignored me, went out to group lunches making sure I was left out, I was left off important group emails, didn't receive important messages etc Thinking back it seems unbelievable that these were adults, not kids in the playground.

Buuuuut, slowly over the next few months I managed to win them over with kindness and even ended up friends with some of them - although I've never forgotten how horrible they were. It was a huge effort to get them all on side and not one I'd do again.

Oh, forgot to say! This was a mixed bag of men and women, and it was a man who was the ringleader.

Being civil and having some understanding/kindness (if can't quite manage friendly), as opposed to being bitchy, goes a long way in the workplace.

OP’s not a woman, is he?

@Curtains Err... I’m pretty sure I’m a woman...?

@tympanic yes the stress leave was down to working with me, ffs I had always been kind to her.

Another time I was asked to go to the top floor ladies toilet, she was upset and asking for me, so off I go. Very upset that her Dad was going to die, I said I didn't even know he was ill, you had better go to him. No says she he's not ill, but it's just dawned on me one day he will die. Yes love we all will !

Another time, could she have the afternoon off to go and get a bikini wax, yes no problem, are you going away. Yes a 2 centre holiday, Dover and Felixstowe, these were significant work related ports most of our exports went from, flashing at the Container Ships I should imagine.

I wasn't sorry when she retired, as you can imagine.