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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is a bit weird...

24 replies

everydaymum · 04/02/2019 00:53

I have 'issues' with my DM and find fault with much of what she does, so I know that I can over react to things and may well be unreasonable in my thinking - just wanted to make that clear!

My DM comes to watch my DS (5) at swimming lessons each week. She then comes into the change rooms and watches while I get him showered/changed. No other 'watchers' (such as other parents, grandparents etc), do this. The only people in the change rooms are the kids getting changed and the adults helping them change. Other kids and adults wait in the foyer.

She doesn't help (DS has stated that he doesn't want her helping him), and anyway it only takes one person to assist. It's also a small space and can get quite busy. I've told her she needs to wait outside but she claims that I'm being ridiculous and there's no reason she shouldn't be there.

Is it weird or AIBU?

OP posts:

thaegumathteth · 04/02/2019 01:04

It’s not something I could get annoyed by tbh

halfwitpicker · 04/02/2019 01:07

Meh, just tell her to wait outside because it's too busy next time

ashtrayheart · 04/02/2019 01:07

Does she see it as ‘watching’ which makes it sound odd tbh or just being with you while you change?
I would find it annoying too though.

RonaldMcDonald · 04/02/2019 01:36

If it makes you feel in anyway uncomfortable ask her to leave.

NotTheFordType · 04/02/2019 01:43

Is she chatting with you or does she just stand there "watching"?

If the former I'd be a bit annoyed. If the latter I'd be telling her to get the fuck out of what should be a private space. There's a name for people who like to watch children naked (without performing a practical or supervisory function) and it ain't pretty.

RonaldMcDonald · 04/02/2019 01:46

Maybe she’s just hanging around with nowt else to do
Feels she should be involved somehow but doesn’t know how

Original poster

everydaymum · 04/02/2019 01:55

Thanks for the responses. I don't feel she's doing it in an 'inappropriate' way, more so to be involved. I just don't see it as something she needs to be involved in. Perhaps if she wasn't such a PITA in other ways I wouldn't be so bothered by it.
She's very overbearing and smothering and this is just another example. DS actually made the comment that 'GM wants me to be her child', but couldn't explain why he felt that way. It's because she's so full on and needs to be involved in everything. It feels as though she's trying to be the parent.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 04/02/2019 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyintheSun · 04/02/2019 02:00

Sounds like she wants to help but doesn’t know how. It’s irritating but agree with zzzzz - give her jobs to do. Or if you really want her to leave ask her to go ahead to the cafe and order / unlock the car/ get something from the car for you etc.

Winterberriesonatree · 04/02/2019 02:18

Why not go and get a coffee, leave her to do the showering. See how long it takes her to wait outside.

lalalalyra · 04/02/2019 02:23

Your 5 year old thinks his GM wants to be his mother - if that's how overbearing your mother is then you need to start laying down boundaries that make you, and your DS, feel comfortable.

Do you have issues with your mother or is your mother actually the issue? There's a big difference between the two.

MouseUtopia · 04/02/2019 03:04

She wants to observe an intimate task that your ds needs after swimming. A task that usually only parents are involved in.

She's parenting by proxy by the sounds of it.

You need to lay some boundaries.

jessstan2 · 04/02/2019 03:34

What others have said, just tell her it isn't necessary for her to be there while he is being dried and dressed, other kids only have one person helping. She'll get the message.

Decormad38 · 04/02/2019 04:21

There seems to be some underlying message here that your DM is a sort of pervert. Just your language used - ‘watching’ Is that what you are thinking op? If so that reaction from you is a little odd I think Or are you just feeling irritated by her? Is there more to this story?

Original poster

everydaymum · 04/02/2019 05:07

Decor i used 'watching' because she comes to watch swimming. She doesn't help with anything so really all she's doing is watching. I don't think there's anything untoward with her being in the change room, I just don't see the point in her being there and getting in the way of us and others. I've asked her to wait elsewhere but she thinks I'm being unreasonable. She doesn't see why she shouldn't be in there, I don't see why she should be since she's not actually helping and is getting in the way.
I do have other issues/problems with her, but wanted to address this issue separately. I wanted to know if this in itself seemed a bit too much to others, or if I was making too much out of it given she generally a pain.

OP posts:

treacledan71 · 04/02/2019 08:18

I wish my DS nan would take an interest if anything he does.

PregnantSea · 04/02/2019 08:21

I don't think it's "weird", but it does sound very annoying. Just tell her to wait outside because there isn't enough space.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 08:21

Why not suggest she does the whole swimming thing- “It doesn’t need both of us, mum-why don’t we do alternate weeks?”

MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 08:27

'It doesn’t need both of us, mum-why don’t we do alternate weeks?”'

Fantastic idea

ScabbyHorse · 04/02/2019 09:18

Would need to know more about the other issues to be able to answer

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/02/2019 09:25

You've asked her to wait outside and instead of respecting your wishes she's told you that you are unreasonable. Yep, sounds like my mum too OP!

Original poster

everydaymum · 04/02/2019 10:48

Struggling she doesn't respect anyone's wishes. DS doesn't like physical affection from her. She'll ask him if she can have a hug, he says no, she gives him one anyway. He makes it quite clear, in a polite way, but she ignores it. I've lost count of the numbers of times we've argued over this and have asked her what she can possibly get out of hugging someone that doesn't want to be hugged. She can't answer. She wants a hug and that's all that matters.
She also calls constantly, has no boundaries, is the worlds biggest gossip and takes digs at me in front of DS. There is a lot going on with her and I'm failing to deal with it as a whole which is why I thought if I can maybe tackle each issue individually, firmly establish/enforce one boundary at a time, I may make some progress.
I'm also well aware that because of our history I do get worked up over minor things, which is why I put the change room issue out to the good people of MN to get their opinions. I didn't mean to drip feed.

OP posts:

Parthenope · 04/02/2019 10:58

I'd purely find it annoying because swimming pool changing rooms are always overcrowded, chlorine-scented hellholes with wet, small children wriggling and dropping clothes in puddles. No one needs an extra non-helping adult who's just getting in the way, and I think I'd be unimpressed as a fellow-parent if there was a watcher.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2019 11:18

Don’t tell her when you’re going!

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