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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Counselling for Historical Abortion in the 1970's

24 replies

SadnessAndDespair · 03/02/2019 22:24

I am 63 years old. When I was 14 my Mother forced me to have an abortion. I had no say in what happened to me, there was no counselling available, no one discussed it with me, GP talked to my Mum, I wasn't visited in hospital, when I went home, life just carried on as normal and the abortion was never discussed. It was as though it never happened.

I have never come to terms with it. I have married and had other children, who are all grown up and living away from home, but every single day I think about that baby, and now I am facing retirement and am aging, I really feel I need to have some closure with this.

I could say loads more, but I think I will regret it tomorrow, knowing I have put it out there on the internet for all eternity. So could anyone suggest where I could look for some help? I have very little money, so can't really afford private therapy.

Thank you for anything you can do to advise me.

OP posts:

MoviesT · 03/02/2019 22:36

So sorry that this was your experience. Your GP may refer you for counselling, why not try that as a first step? You don’t have to discuss the exact reason, just say something like it relates to something that happened when you were young that you now dwell on in an unhealthy way. You may also find help through talking about it here although perhaps AIBU is not the best board.

Hugs to you and I hope you find peace.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/02/2019 22:37

I can’t imagine having to live with such a thing all these years unable to talk about it with anyone.

I’m pretty sure you can get counselling referrals through your GP but there is a waiting list usually sometimes 6 months or more. The counselling service I was referred to referred me on (quickly- I didn’t have to wait any extra time) to a specialist service- rape counselling in my case- so I’m sure there will be someone who can help with your needs.

I hope you can get closure on this one day OP.

Bambamber · 03/02/2019 22:51

I am so sorry you had to go through that, and live it every day

Your GP can refer you to counselling, although as PP said there can be quite a waiting list. Are you still working? Some workplaces offer confidential counselling services

FadedRed · 03/02/2019 22:58

Yes your GP could refer you for counselling.
Tbh I think you need it for more than your experience of the abortion, but the background to why you were pregnant at fourteen and why you were unsupported by your family.

LovingLola · 03/02/2019 22:59

Have you a close friend that you might be able to confide in ?
And I’m so sorry for what was done to you.

Original poster

SadnessAndDespair · 03/02/2019 23:07

Thank you all very much. My GP isn't really very sympathetic so I'm a bit unsure about approaching him.

Fadedred I was abused (sexual abused but not rape) by a family member when I was between ages 9 and 13 (never told anyone about it as I thought I would be blamed). Then I met my first boyfriend and I thought it was normal to have to do what men wanted - hope that makes sense? so I didn't know how to say no when he wanted to have sex with me. Also I never had any sex education from my Mum and it wasn't given in schools either, so I was clueless.

OP posts:

HappyMama01 · 03/02/2019 23:12

Hi OP, I don't know if it would be possible, but speak to Marie Stopes - they offer abortions and counselling afterwards. They might be able to offer you counselling over the phone (this is what I had) or maybe point you in the right direction?
Whatever happens, I hope you find some peace and love through counselling

Original poster

SadnessAndDespair · 03/02/2019 23:15

By the way - meant to say thank you for your kind supportive comments. You really don't know how much they have meant to me even though I don't know you. I feel like such a bad person so it is comforting to realise not everyone would think me evil if they knew my history.

OP posts:

EwItsAHooman · 03/02/2019 23:16

You can do a search of mental health services local to you via the NHS website:

www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Mental%20health%20support/LocationSearch/330

Marie Stopes also provide counselling services no matter how long ago your abortion was, you can make an appointment over the phone:

www.mariestopes.org.uk/other-services/counselling/

Talking Matters are a self-referral service, free via the NHS, but aren't available in every area however it's worth a Google of their name and the name of your area to see if they are.

Failing that, is there another GP at the practice who you could speak to?

LovingLola · 03/02/2019 23:20

You are not evil. You are not a bad person. You were a child yourself. Wish I could give you a hug...
Do your adult children know what you went through?

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 23:25

@Sadnessanddespair no one could ever think you were a bad person or evil .

You were a child in a terrible situation and you had been abused and had no choice or chance to process what happened to you. Wish I could give you a giant hug. It wouldn’t change the awful things that have happened to you but hopefully this thread is helping you see none of us think badly of you in any way. Nothing that happened was your fault.

Bananafritter · 03/02/2019 23:28

You are absolutely not a bad person for this. You were a child and the adults around you failed to keep you safe. Nothing about this was your fault. I hope you manage to get help

FranklinTheCat · 03/02/2019 23:33

Who would think you evil? I am so sorry you think anyone might perceive you that way. Regardless of anyone's view on abortion (and it would have to be a pretty extreme view to think anyone who has one is evil: it's certainly not a view most people would share, in my opinion), it doesn't sound as though you were making any of the choices in any of the situations you've been in. You were a victim.

Sometimes MIND can help you access free or very low cost counselling - would be worth checking to see if they have a branch in your area. Some counsellors will also offer low-cost therapy. I agree that a GP at your practice (if not your usual one) might be a good place to start.

But you can sometimes self refer for NHS counselling, either through IAPT or other means - you could google "NHS counselling [your area" and see if there is a way to self-refer.

Vedette · 03/02/2019 23:33

You aren't a bad person. It is society that makes you feel that way. I had a termination when I was 19, my own choice and I still feel the right choice, but the guilt persists. I am in my 50s and a termination when we were young was a terribly shameful thing to do. No one except DH knows, and I still couldn't tell anyone even now, and that is when I feel the choice to terminate was the right choice. So, I understand your feelings.

But as you have seen from here, most people today don't think it is a terrible thing to do, and are sympathetic to women who have had to make that decision. Try and have some counselling, I think it would really help, just to talk to someone who won't judge you, to talk about these feelings which are obviously connected with the abuse and you Mother's lack of understanding, will be beneficial I'm sure.

You are not evil, and it is nothing to be ashamed of

Crunchymum · 03/02/2019 23:34

Are you in a position to seek private counselling? If you don't want to go via your GP.

It's a horrendous thing to have carried around with you for half a century.

You were so young, you had so much happen. It's something you need to explore

birdiewoof · 03/02/2019 23:35

xxxx

MumMumMum1 · 03/02/2019 23:35

@SadnessAndDespair why on earth would people think bad of you? You were a victim in every sense & are clearly a very empathetic person. I hope you get the help you need im certain there is support out there for you. X

DramaAlpaca · 03/02/2019 23:36

I am so sorry that this happened to you

chxm19 · 03/02/2019 23:36

Thinking of you OP

I had an abortion and struggled for years, it made me very depressed but it was only until I spoke to somebody about it that I started to move on with life.

Please reach out to somebody, I feel counselling would do you the world of good.

LakeIsle48 · 03/02/2019 23:39

I'm sorry that happened to you OP. I hope you understand that you were just a child and someone abused you. You did nothing wrong, you were just a child. I hope you get the help you need to help you cope better.

Birdie6 · 03/02/2019 23:40

Hugs to you - yes I was around then and had a similar experiences. "Forget about it" was the only counselling we received, unfortunately. I do hope you are able to access some counselling and that you find some peace.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/02/2019 23:48

. I really hope you understand believe and most importantly know that this was not your fault. You were 14 years old not much more that a baby yourself who was cruelly forced to do this.

rvby · 04/02/2019 00:16

I'm so sorry.
My dm did the same to me, I was 15.
My heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from.

I would advise against Marie Stopes. My forced abortion was at a Marie Stopes clinic, albeit abroad. The "counselling" I received was to force me to "consent' (to sign a consent form). I would assume that there is a certain callousness involved in a MS clinic since they would believe they are doing right by the teen girl in question. I just dont want someone to be dismissive of your experience eg telling you it was for the best. I want you to feel heard and have closure x

Ime the best counselor for this experience is someone who deals with survivors of torture or of violent rape.

Again ime "normal' counsellors aren't typically equipped to cope with something like this. Its beyond the remit of all but the best, most experienced therapists.

I am open to PM if you want to chat.

It is an incredibly lonely thing, carrying this with you. Again I'm deeply deeply sorry.

FadedRed · 04/02/2019 12:55

Oh bless you SadnessandDespair. I worked with young teens in your situation years ago, your brave admission about your history of abuse, sexual and emotional, is not unusual. Nor was it ever due to any fault in you. Please try to believe this. You were a child and let down by those you should have cared and protected you.
If you are reluctant to see your GP about it, then you might consider a a Sexual Abuse Charity, many exist throughout the country. Because your experience about the abortion is a part of the overall abuse and emotional neglect you were subjected to.
Best wishes to you.

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