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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find every day life too stressful

21 replies

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 18:24

I spent the weekend away from home as my husband and I are not getting on. The minute I walked through the door chaos ensued. Kids having accidents, kids fighting with each other, husband and I fighting, kids highly emotional and demanding.

I felt anxious as soon as I walked back through the door. Verging on a panic attack.

Is this just normal life?!?! I don’t remember finding things this awful when me and my husband were getting on. Now it’s unbearable. I just want to run away from it all. Which obviously I can’t. My life isn’t even that hard!!!

OP posts:

Home77 · 03/02/2019 18:29

I think that everyone picks up on emotions and reacts so it may be that, maybe will be better once things calm down. maybe you can get some time together to discuss things

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 18:32

I can’t be around my husband right now. He cheated on me and I’m trying to figure out how I feel. If we are together we just fight. I thought it would be better for the kids if I we weren’t able to fight with each other, but they seem more upset than ever.

OP posts:

Houseonahill · 03/02/2019 18:35

Sounds like you need some space from your husband until you decide what you want to do which is totally understandable, can he go somewhere for a bit until you work out how you move forward? (be that trying again or separating permantly) it's not fair o you or the kids to be In that environment

bizmum1 · 03/02/2019 18:36

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time op. Do you think the dc's could be picking up on some of the underlying tension with your dh? Kids always seem to act up when you're going through a difficult time.
Also, this cold weather doesn't help - everyone inside all the time, cabin fever etc,
Sounds like you and the dh need a bit of space to talk properly and sort things out.
Try to keep in mind that this is just a stage and it will pass - the good times will be back :)

Vividdreaming · 03/02/2019 18:36

I’m sorry to hear about your husband.

Do you think the anxiety is due to this and therefore you kids behaviour seems worse.

It’s only natural. You know that there will be massive upheaval in your life that he has bought on yet he isn’t the one who has to make the decision as to whether to split or not.

blueskiesandforests · 03/02/2019 18:41

Perhaps, as it's your husband who cheated, he should be spending a week or two staying elsewhere and you and the kids stay in the family home. The kids must be picking up on the tension and presumably don't know why you were away, which if you don't usually sleep elsewhere will have stressed them and led to them acting up.

Who's the primary carer usually? How old are the kids?

Either way from your post it seems transparently obvious that your relationship is the root cause of the problems, as is inevitable in the circumstances.

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 19:16

They are 6 and 2. I work part time and he covers a little of the childcare. I can’t think of anywhere close by he could stay and be on hand for that unless we rented somewhere for him really, and I think it would be a battle to make him go. I would struggle to tell him he can’t spend the weekend with the kids but maybe I will have to if this continues.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 03/02/2019 19:20

What sort of accident? Toilet mishaps or actual accidents? If the latter, was your H not supervising the DC?

The issue is the infidelity. DCs’ behaviour will be affected by the conflict and that you are both distracted.

What you did sounds sensible. If he goes away you’ll be left with the DC, which at their ages will hardly give you any “space”.

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 19:24

Well just one accident tbf! DS2 had a fall.
He says he popped into kitchen briefly. I do believe that but also don’t think he looks after them as well as I do. Which is a worry but if we did split he would have them at weekends anyway I guess.

I hope it’s easier after a sleep but I’ve been feeling anxious for a week or so now

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2019 19:43

How long have you known about the cheating?

RomanyRoots · 03/02/2019 19:48

He should be going to give you space.
I know you'll still have the kids but surely they'd be more settled without the arguing and sensing problems between you.
He made this mess, he should go. It's not up to him if he wants to or not.
Just tell him to go.

Designerenvy · 03/02/2019 19:54

Of course your anxious, worked up, upset. You say your life isnt that hard.....your dh cheated on you.....that's probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
You need space from him. He needs to move out. The kids are picking up on the stress and acting out.
This is affecting everyone.
You need to decide what you're going to do, but give yourself time and space .
Would marriage counselling be an option ?

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 20:01

I’ve known a few months but for some reason it’s getting harder. Maybe as the someone said above, it’s cold and January etc. Maybe I’m hormonal!

Counselling might be an option but right now I don’t even want to be in the same room.

OP posts:

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 20:03

I need him to share childcare otherwise I’d probably force him to go for a bit. The sad thing is I’m even worrying I may totally push him away as I’m being so difficult. Does that sound pathetic? :-(

OP posts:

Designerenvy · 03/02/2019 20:04

Average, it's getting harder because You are around him and hating what he did to you. He's Probably trying to carry on as normal and you can't.
Space is needed and if u want to save the marriage, councelling.
Not easy .

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2019 20:04

Perhaps you're not allowing yourself to acknowledge that your marriage is over. He has completely betrayed you and your children. Why WOULD you want to be in the same room with him?

Designerenvy · 03/02/2019 20:05

No not pathetic .. u must still love him .

Babyroobs · 03/02/2019 20:08

I think life is incredibly stressful anyway without what you are going through. I feel sometimes like I just lurch from one day to the next and worry if something really awful happened that I would just crumble. some people just have more resources/ resilience to cope but I get very easily stressed. Hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster

AverageHuman · 03/02/2019 20:36

I still love him and I believe he still loves me, but it’s more about whether I can ever trust him again and realistically if it will not happen again. I’m really angry atm.

I struggle to switch off from things and I hate relationship conflict. I prefer to sort things out but I can’t right now.

OP posts:

Designerenvy · 03/02/2019 20:45

Trust is as if not more important than love.
If the trust is gone, it leads to anger and hatred.
It sounds like u want things to work out, it won't happen overnight.
I'm not sure how you move on but you need to do what's right for you and the kids .

Loopytiles · 04/02/2019 08:10

It’s not good for either of you or the DC to be around this level of conflict - avoiding someone and being frosty is still conflict. If you really can’t face couples counselling or expressing your feelings to him because you are too angry to engage with him, it’d be best to end the relationship.

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