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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First World Problems Annoying Mother in Law

19 replies

fluffy71 · 03/02/2019 16:28

Would this irritate anyone else or is it just me? My inlaws live 2.5hrs away from us, so we don't see alot of them. It used to be a very different story. My oldest is 16 and when he was born they would visit lots. MIL would re clean my house on her visits and put washing on despite myself and OH not wanting her to do it. She'd act like she was having to fumigate the place. Then she'd never shut up about it expecting undying gratitude! Needless to say we fell out over it. She is obessed with cleaning and to be fair has an immaculate house. Though I am not exactly a clean freak I would consider my house clean and tidy. Anyway, we have had another baby after a break of quite
a few years and all her clean freak annoying tendencies are coming out again. She has seen the baby twice since Dec and on both occasions I've packed a bag for him and she's never used anything I've supplied. She has bought new sleeping bags, bottles, clothes, nappies, wipes etc for each visit. She literally changes him out of his outfit as soon as we are out of the car and changed his bottom so much it was red raw after 24hrs in her company! It irritates me as I've now got about 20 baby bottles littering my kitchen cupboards! She then sends me a text after my husband arrived home saying this week "how were the nappies?" Her nappies were too small but rather than use the one's I supplied she puts two of hers on him at the same time (so she clearly knew they were leaking) so the poor baby was sat sopping wet in the car for the 2.5hours home. I texted back explained they'd leaked and said I had put nappies in his bag. She said she wanted to save mine. Then she texts back saying " just to let you know, in case the baby or dog tries to get into the bag, I've packed some tiny wire brushes to clean the teats of the babies bottles". Again all new in their plastic wrapping. I was so peed off I chucked them straight in the bin! I already have a bottle brush and clean and steralise the babies bottles! It drives me mad!

🤔 Really thought I'd got past the point of getting annoyed by her!

OP posts:

Troels · 03/02/2019 16:38

Did you leave him with her for the weekend? Or Did Dh take baby for a few hours?
No way would I leave him alone with her, if she complains, tell her straight. You put nappies on too small, he was sopping wet, he got nappy rash in less than 24hrs with you. You don't listen. If Dh was there, then he should have stood up to her, removed small nappies used bigger ones and told her off.

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 16:41

If your dh took the baby and didn’t stop her being a total PITA, yabu. I’m presuming you didn’t leave the baby with her alone knowing her OTTtendencies?

Confusedbeetle · 03/02/2019 16:44

I dont quite understand why your MIL had sole care of your baby if you are unhappy how she does things

Original poster

fluffy71 · 03/02/2019 16:48

Last weekend I did not go, our oldest had something on with school so I stayed at home and hubby took baby and two other kids for an overnight stay. OH went to football whilst she looked after him in the day. Though she dumped him with my 15 year old daughter whilst she marched off up the shops to buy more new bottles! I suppose more fool me for handing him over to her.

OP posts:

RuggerHug · 03/02/2019 16:54

Yeah she can't be trusted alone with him at that rate. And if she wants to waste her money on new things THAT WILL BE LEFT BEHIND IN HERS UNUSED then she can go ahead.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/02/2019 16:57

She needs boundaries. If she’s deliberately going against your express wishes as a parent then 24 hours’ straight unsupervised contact would be a no-no for me. This isn’t her child, and your word is law. Give her a period of time-out after every one of these occasions and she should start to get the message. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. YANBU.

Original poster

fluffy71 · 03/02/2019 19:18

Yes, have learnt my lesson. Absolutely no alone time again. We've had over 5 years of very low contact due to the shenanigans we've had to put up with in the past (ostrasising OH and I from any family gatherings cause OH stood up to her, telling lies about us etc) but I suppose a little part of me was hoping that the birth of the baby, (which to be fair they do adore) would be a fresh start. But unfortunately a leopard doesn't change its spots. Prior to the birth of the baby I would see her 3 times a year and never speak on the phone. Since baby has come along, she wants more contact and texts every few days on Wattsapp (I presume so she can check whether I've read the text) and leaves a message for me to call her at least once a month but even this is too much. I think I'm allergic to her! I know if I get in too deep with her I'll really start to hate her again!! Horrible really. Its always been a source of sadness that she's so dysfunctional seeing as my own mom died when my eldest was 10 weeks old and she made it ten times worse, coming up and taking over my house. I had counselling over it and I thought I was over feeling hurt but I guess having a baby makes me feel a bit more vulnerable. Luckily my husband feels exactly the same about her.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 03/02/2019 19:24

She is not "annoying" - what she's doing is actually neglect. She's giving your baby nappy rash and not putting suitable nappies on him - sitting in a car seat wet for 2.5 hours? She would never be allowed unsupervised access again.

Bluelady · 03/02/2019 19:31

The fact that the baby was in unsuitable nappies and wet for the car journey is his dad's fault. He was there and apparently did nothing.

Guineapiglet345 · 03/02/2019 20:28

My MIL tries to give us things she thinks we need, in vast quantities. The latest thing has been baby bels and yogurts, but we’ve already done the weekly shop so they’d just go off, so now I hand them back and explain we don’t need them because we’ve already got food in, it doesn’t work but it makes me feel better.

I actually find it quite insulting that she doesn’t think we can provide food for our child.

Original poster

fluffy71 · 03/02/2019 20:31

Well he didnt realise tbh. He said she kept snatching the baby off him all day, making a big deal about having to change him. He just assumed she was taking him upstairs and using the nappies I'd provided. It was only when we got home and realised he was wet and wearing 2 nappies. She actually texted him also that evening asking about the nappies. I think she expected him to thank her!

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 03/02/2019 20:35

She is not "annoying" - what she's doing is actually neglect. She's giving your baby nappy rash and not putting suitable nappies on him - sitting in a car seat wet for 2.5 hours?

Hmmm except the OPs DH was doing the driving - so didn't he check the baby at any point?

You know your MIL has some tendencies that do veer on the OTT (rituals, obsession). Your DH is dealing with it, let him get on with it and her.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/02/2019 20:40

Just don't see her often and leave all her crap there. That's what I do with my Mil. She has a house filled with baby stuff which DD now 5 barely used and a bedroom for her which DD refuses to sleep in. Her money wasted and her loss.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 20:50

YANBU

I think you need to go back to Plan A - very low contact.

You gave her another chance and she blew it.

Creatureofthenight · 03/02/2019 20:53

But it wasn’t unsupervised contact, your DH was there (apart from the football). Given her previous form, shouldn’t he be more attentive?

Snowmaggedon · 03/02/2019 20:53

Op why didn't your dh be more assertive when there!

Utterly peculiar to put a baby into 2 nappies!

Original poster

fluffy71 · 03/02/2019 21:56

Well he only went down because he arranged with his sister to meet up with her and her family for their dad's birthday. MIL was told about it and took control and a meal was booked by her at a certain time knowing full well that his sister had to leave an hour later. Apparantly meal was very rushed but MIL doesnt like or encourage any communication between her kids directly and her down trodden hubby enables her. She is very much "divide and rule". I was quite pleased to get out of it tbh but on reflection should have kept the baby with me. Was trying to be kind so his family could meet the baby but my kindness was abused. I didnt respond to her stupid smiley faced messages about the bottle brush. Back to LC for now on.

OP posts:

Snowmaggedon · 03/02/2019 22:02

Fluffy I too have longed for a normal granny to my dc.
Someone who just loves them and not to win some invisible competition with me.
Someone who would take them for cream tea, spoil them and let them choose clothes.. Not force them into things she wants them to wear.. Etc.

Mine just wants dc on her turf so she can do the things that make her feel happy ie cook and have captive audience.

She simply will not do the best for them. It's always all about her.

Original poster

fluffy71 · 04/02/2019 10:49

Well @snowmaggdon, we can try and be that type of grandmother when its our turn, can't we?

OP posts:

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