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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this relationship

17 replies

Wintersunday2019 · 03/02/2019 14:41

just because I'm not happy and even though it will break his heart.

I have been with DP for two years. A year ago he moved in with me and my 3 DD's. It was far too soon I know that. The move was very much initiated by DP. He knew though I had doubts but (gently) railroaded me - within days of me agreeing to him moving in his house was on the market and he'd handed his notice in. I know by the way it is 100% my fault not his, I am a grown women and should have been stronger/more honest about how I felt

It is really hard to explain what the problem is, we virtually never argue- it is all very subtle and hard to put into words. He is a good man but we just don't work. We have absolutely nothing in common and are so different personality wise. He by his own admission is a bit of a loner and is happy to do everything with me, I love spending time with my family and friends. He would never stop me doing anything but I can feel the silent disapproval if I say I'm going out and often he'll be quiet when I get back. He is also very unsupportive (in a quiet passive way) about my work. I know he thinks i focus too much on the children and I don't put enough effort into ‘us’ and he's probably right, but I just feel like I can't spread myself any thinner. I have a lot on my plate with three children and working full time and I feel him being here adds to my load, rather than making it easier. This will sound terrible and I feel awful saying it but I just feel like he doesn’t add anything positive to my life

I feel so guilty though, I know he will be heartbroken. I feel like I'm putting my happiness before his

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 03/02/2019 14:44

Very sad I feel for you.

But I think you know the answer already.

If you don't love him you can't stay for the sake of his feelings. It would defeat the point.

sonjadog · 03/02/2019 14:44

It´s okay to put your happiness first when it comes to your life and your relationship. If it isn't working for you, then you don't have to stick with it just because he wants to.

Original poster

Wintersunday2019 · 03/02/2019 14:53

Thank you. Logically I know you are both right. Apart from anything else he deserves so much more than being with someone who doesn’t love him (I think he knows deep down)

OP posts:

Original poster

Wintersunday2019 · 03/02/2019 15:17

I suppose I just think that if he was to come on here and post from his point of view about me ending the relationship, people would (quite rightly?) tell him I’m a selfish, heartless bitch

OP posts:

OMGithurts · 03/02/2019 15:20

No they wouldn't, he would get roasted for expecting a mother of 3 to prioritise him over her children and for trying to hamper her social life, and at the very least he would be told the relationship wasn't working and he should end it.

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2019 15:26

Why did he hand his notice in? Is he not working? And surely it would have been better to rent his house out? Very short sighted.

Original poster

Wintersunday2019 · 03/02/2019 15:33

He is working and has been since the day he moved here - he couldn’t stay in his old job because it was too far away. I tried to persuade him to rent the house out but he didnt want to

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2019 22:19

You'll just have to be strong. It's not working and it can't be fixed. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Houseonahill · 03/02/2019 22:24

You putting his happiness before yours isn't fair on you. That's not selfish or heartless it's looking after your own wellbeing and with 3 children and a full time job that should be your priority with no guilt. You aren't responsible for his happiness.

Sparklesocks · 03/02/2019 22:29

I think when you’ve made the decision that it isn’t right, it’s hard to move away from that and you need to follow through.

A friend of mine was broken up with by her partner a few months ago. But really, she said it was a long time coming. It was like he was going through the motions with her for so long. They lived together but barely saw each other, he would go to bed earlier than her and be asleep when she came up. She told me it was like he had broken up with her in his mind, but hadn’t told her. I think about that a lot as I think that’s the case in a lot of break ups. When you break up with someone mentally, you need to follow through in real life.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 03/02/2019 22:30

He (gently) railroaded you into it. He wanted you to try live together. You tried. You’ve given it a year and, for you, it isn’t working. It’s not about behaviour which could perhaps be changed; it’s about fundamental personality differences. It’s not going to suddenly start working so you have two choices

You can break up with him now
Or later, with more pain

You’re going to have to be strong and just rip the band-aid off. It’s the fairest thing to do for all of you. Don’t feel guilty - you tried.

NotANotMan · 03/02/2019 22:30

Ummm why should you put his happiness before yours? Who told you that?

SandyY2K · 03/02/2019 22:33

Why was he pushing to move in with you?
Then he quit his job.

I don't like the fact he ignored your feelings on it. He adds nothing to your life... that's enough reason to end it.

Maelstrop · 03/02/2019 22:39

He’s silently disapproving when you go to see family and friends and wants you to prioritise him over the dd? Run, fast. You’ll never be happy with him.

hmmwhatatodo · 03/02/2019 22:40

He shouldnt have pushed himself onto you so much in the beginning and he was silly to get rid of his house so quickly. What do your children make of him?

Bambamber · 03/02/2019 22:47

Not being happy is a perfectly good reason to end a relationship. What is the point in being in a relationship if it doesn't make you happy? You should enjoy each other's company, not feel like he is adding to your work load

AnoukSpirit · 03/02/2019 22:47

He would never stop me doing anything but I can feel the silent disapproval if I say I'm going out and often he'll be quiet when I get back. He is also very unsupportive (in a quiet passive way) about my work

Generally, the kind of man who is deliberately trying to stop you doing things takes exactly this approach rather than standing in front of the door telling you not to go. If he had been blatant about it you might have realised and gotten rid of him.

Subtle, gradual, hard to spot until you're miserable and isolated. That's how coercive control works.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You should be prepared for him to throw every tactic in the book at you when you end it - crying, pleading, threats (to you, himself, the children), manipulation, false promises, shouting, anger, fake illness/homelessness... Anything to make you give in and continue doing what he wants.

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