To mourn the breakdown of a terrible relationship?

10 replies

rabbitheadlights · 03/02/2019 14:14

Hi everyone ... first time poster long time reader .... so 3 days ago I finally sent my now ex packing , we had been together for 5 yrs and have 6 children 3 of mine from a previous relationship and 3 of ours together ages 12, 10, 5, 3, 1 and 7 months the relationship has been awful for the past 2 yrs, he drank too much, did nothing in the house, never did a night feed often slept til after lunch, never cooked once (he's a chef) slept through Christmas day ... until dinner was ready, never looked after the children, often went out after work until 4/5 am and came home drunk etc .(he works 30/35 hrs a week.) . there's lots more but anyway the final straw was finding him drinking at 7.30 am when I was due to take the older children to school and he should have been looking after the babies .... but my aibu is this, the house is so much better without him here, the kids are happier, there's no atmosphere, I'm glad he's gone but I can't help feeling devastated at the thought of another failed relationship, another failure and although it will be no different to him being here how am I going to cope with 6 kids alone ....? anything missing pls ask

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2019 14:37

Yanbu. I’m currently going through the same thing op. It’s for the best but it’s understandable to be sad about it too .
You and your children deserve to be happy and you will be!

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2019 14:39

And you’re not a failure by the way. It’s him with the problem not you.

Nanna50 · 03/02/2019 14:43

Sometimes I think we grieve for what could have been, he must have been worthy at some point? We have hopes and plans and feel sad that they came to nothing, for ourselves and the children.

Original poster

rabbitheadlights · 03/02/2019 14:47

thanks fun and no for the first yes things were good/ok manna but it seems something changed he began to do less and less and expect more and more then he started treating 'my' children different to 'his' and so on

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Babyboysarenowbig · 03/02/2019 14:56

I think you are just going to have to get on and look after your 6 children, and forget about him. He sounds like a waste of space!

Original poster

rabbitheadlights · 03/02/2019 15:55

If course that is what I am and will continue to do ... my aibu is that I feel such a sense of loss even though I know it's for the best and I'm glad he's gone

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ProfessorSillyStuff · 03/02/2019 16:23

You're not alone. I have recently split and had to get a restraining order to get him to leave, he had no job for 3 years, smokes dope constantly and expected me to fund this, didn't care for the kids properly if I tried to get some rest, did no chores, and undermined, criticised, really did nothing to make my life easier and added a whole lot of extra work.
I was initially so glad I finally got him to leave and yet now I feel lonely and invisible, everything I do is a bit pointless, just feeding kids then cleaning up after, like I'm treading water and achieving nothing.

It's easy to forget exactly how bad things were once it's over. It was destroying me just keeping on top of all the work and staying positive in the face of constant criticisms.
We should not let ourselves forget how bad it really was.
We should take time now to love ourselves and get to know ourselves.

Op do you think you could find time to do any of that? Perhaps you already have some record of your life before that you could read to remind you?

For what it's worth, you will have more free time and especially energy without someone like that draining you every day. Even if it doesn't feel like it. The past always seems rosier. You are most likely mourning loss of the man you thoight he was, the man he pretended he was, who never existed, not the loss of the actual person he turned out to be.

Original poster

rabbitheadlights · 03/02/2019 16:35

wow professor that made me cry .. thankyou so much that's exactly how I'm feeling .. and I think it's hard seeing all the "equal" relationships around and I feel so silly for allowing it to happen. I honestly think at the minute it's a case of getting through each hour, happy change, bottle and feed as it comes and hopefully in time I can make space for myself .. if you ever fancy a chat pls feel free to message me and thanks again it makes a difference to know that it's not just me

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ProfessorSillyStuff · 03/02/2019 17:19

I'm glad it helped and I want you to know that knowing you are out there, somehow managing all these feeling with SIX yes SIX children to care for, reinforces to me that Yes! I can also do this on my own. To avoid the feeling of treading water I am going to try writing and also focusing on the little milestones that my kids meet.

I would love to have a message on here, I've never done that before. I will try it! Nice to meet you x

Mumsyof3boys · 03/02/2019 19:32

I think no matter how bad a relationship is/was there's always going to be feelings of loss especially when children are involved. I knew my relationship with my EXP wasn't right and I wasn't happy and finally broke up with him. Even though I knew it was what I wanted I felt lonely, questioned was I doing the right thing and at times missed him. I felt guilty for our DS but after a few weeks I knew for definite it was the right decision.
I'm sure it was a good relationship at some stage and I think we mourn the person we first met and loved but hopefully with 6 children to keep you occupied you won't have time to feel like this for too long 🤞🏻

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