Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother AGAIN

17 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 09:25

Im sorry - i know i keep posting but no one will help.

My mother is kicking off again. I have spoken to her dr and finslly thought i was getting somewhere on a capacity assessment but they wont do it without her permission Hmm

She has demonstrated quite clearly over the past couple of weeks that she is incapable of making rational decisions (as in getting herself to hospital ten miles away to demand antibiotics that she had ten years ago - its an obsession).

I am beimg verbally abused and it is causing trouble for me and dp. People have advised me to walk way but how can i?

How do i make the drs see that something needs to be done

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 09:27

I know aibu isnt the place but i cant find the elderly parents section

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 03/02/2019 09:30

The black and white of it is, if you don’t walk away then the appropriate services won’t help. Sadly these days, a person has to show that family cannot take care of them before care services get involved.

peachsquish · 03/02/2019 09:36

No advice sorry, but the Elderly parents section is in the Other stuff section on talk.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/02/2019 09:39

DoneLikeAKipper is spot on, as are the countless PPs who've said the same on many previous threads

I honestly mean this kindly, but hand-wringing and "how can I?" just isn't cutting it is it? If you truly wish to help your DM and yourself as opposed to (very understandable) venting you have to step right back, and the way to do that is to tell SS, her GP and all the rest that you simply aren't available to help any more

Only then will your DM be offered - or accept - any help at all

BarbarianMum · 03/02/2019 09:41

If you have money (it cost us 1k) you may find that a well-placed solicitor's letter threatening legal action snaps everyone into gear. But you need a solicitor familiar w this area of law and they do have to be in breach of their duty, or arguably do.

You also have to accept that they will do as little without consent as possible and generally its only a crisis which precipitates the next stage. Obv your mum will have to survive the crisis in order for this to be of any help. So you need to back off as much as you can so your mum can demonstrate that she cant cope, then start shouting loudly calling the gp/ss with your concerns as the wheels fall off.

Flowers Sorry you're in this situation.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 09:49

Peaches - i found it! Smile luckily there was a thread in active.

I dont unfortunately have money for solicitors letters and really want to keep the drs onside.

I am feeling quite strongly that i need to walk way but its difficult when you wake up to untold voice mails if "help me please help.me wailing and crying" . But when i did answer it soon descended into a load of abuse.

I will call the drs tomorrow and say i can no longer provide care but how do i make them understand that i mean it? Becsuse right now i feel like im getting nowhere.

Ranting here does help because it stops me ranting to my DP who has had enough.

OP posts:
sollyfromsurrey · 03/02/2019 09:51

Tell the services that you are moving location or that you will be travelling for work or anything that makes you sound caring but unable to help. Keeps GP on side. Makes it impossible for them to expect you to do it all.

iano · 03/02/2019 09:55

Have you spoken to adult social services? Say you are unable to look after her properly as she's abusive. You are concerned for her safety. SS can do capacity assessments ask them to visit your mum and see if she needs help.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 10:09

Iano that will be my next step. I was going to do this before but things seemed to be starting to happen with the gp's so i didn't do it.

I will talk to the gp and ss tomorrow and make it clear i am no longer able to help.

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/02/2019 13:25

Im sorry - i know i keep posting but no one will help.

Because, as has been pointed out to you many, many, times, you won't step back. Because you won't step back, they're not going to spend money on providing services if they don't have to.

So, you have to stop, let GP and SS know that you're no longer able to do it, and actually follow through.

If you don't, you're going to end up alone, because you will lose your partner and daughter. You think you feel guilt now? Just think how much guilt you will carry after driving the 2 people who do love you, away.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 14:45

Motoko i know you are right. It just goes on and on. I will be making thosecalls tomorrow Sad

OP posts:
Bluelady · 03/02/2019 14:56

If you've anything like I was you're not able step away so telling you that is completely pointless. You're either one of those people or you're not. If your mum has lost capacity only you can make her GP address that, if you srep away she'll be left to rot until a crisis is reached and then you'll be judged very harshly for neglecting her.

Keep a diary of all the evidence that she's lost/is losing capacity and take it to her GP. Make it clear that you want to support her but it beyond you and you need help. It's a tough road but the torture you'll inflict on yourself if you don't take it will be unbearable.

Good luck, I feel for you. 💐

TooManyPaws · 03/02/2019 15:02

I agree with calling adult social services. She may even be classed as coming under Adult Protection procedures if they find that she lacks capacity and is self-harming through self-neglect, wrong medication, etc.

There is nothing wrong with saying that your mother needs more help than you can give, that she is abusing you verbally, harming your own mental health and possibly causing family breakup due to her demands.

longtimelurkerhelen · 03/02/2019 15:05

Could you play the messages she sent you to the doctors so they can see what you are dealing with?

justasking111 · 03/02/2019 15:05

You have been told as motoko said. You just will not follow through. I have seen you on the other thread. voice mails etc. just block your DM. You are an enabler not a saint. You to be honest are now doing your mother a disservice by not holding firm.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/02/2019 15:51

its difficult when you wake up to untold voice mails if "help me please help.me wailing and crying"

You're right, it is difficult, but she's enjoying manipulating you and she'll go right on doing it while you let her. Therefore only you can stop that if you choose to - and it IS a choice as no-one's forcing you to carry on like this

I will call the drs tomorrow and say i can no longer provide care but how do i make them understand that i mean it?

Frankly, after all you've done, they'll probably twig that you've been advised to say exactly this. It doesn't matter, though; there are statutory arrangements they have to trigger once you've declared it, and as everyone keeps on and on saying, they won't happen unless you do

For the same reason I can't agree with telling SS that you "need help" for yourself in caring for DM. They're very well versed in fobbing carers off and promising the earth "if you could just ...", and in your present mindset you'd certainly cave in

Hopefully, this time, you really will say what's needed - do let us all know how it goes?

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2019 19:39

Puzzled thankyou - i will let you know. Some of her behaviour is quite frankly bizarre. Im baffled the drs are dismissing it

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page