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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I don't subscribe to this "just get on with it" attitude?

25 replies

bohemianbint · 03/07/2007 13:12

What I mean is, I was just watching Loose Women (I know, I know) and they were talking about how women just get on with stuff, and I think one of them said her mother was in labour for 6 hours but carried on making her husband's tea or sommat before doing anything about it. And you also hear about people who know that they're really ill, or having a hard time, but they "just get on with it" and never complain. Sometimes you find out after someone's died that they must have really struggled and never said a word.

So, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing per se. What troubles me is that in my family, getting on with it is seen as a very admirable quality. And it can be. I certainly don't advocate unwarranted whining. However, there are times, where you need a little help and I don't think that it's so wrong to ask. But I get the impression that to admit you're struggling is weak and I don't think that's right. As I say, in my family if someone is struggling the attitude is that you should just pull your socks up and sort yourself out, or the problem is brushed under the carpet. Personally I'd rather know if someone close to me was struggling so that I could help. There's a time and a place to be noble.

Sorry, that's turned into a lengthier rant than I planned. Anyone else know what I mean?

OP posts:

MrsKrabadger · 03/07/2007 13:13

damned English stiff upper lip

it gets us into all sorts of trouble

Tatties · 03/07/2007 13:16

Yes I know what you mean. I don't ask for help when really I should

mummydoit · 03/07/2007 13:18

I can see the absolute opposite, to be honest. Lots of people these days don't seem to be able to deal with things by themselves. I absolutely loathe those 'if you have been affected by this programme' messages after the slightest thing has been shown on a soap or drama. There has to be a support line or counselling for absolutely everything. Don't get me wrong - if someone has a problem and they need help, it absolutely should be there, whether from friends, family or someone in a professional capacity and you are quite right, it should not be considered wrong to ask for help. However, I don't see why people not directly affected by an event should need comforting (thinking of the mass hysteria that followed Diana's death, for example).

Original poster

bohemianbint · 03/07/2007 13:31

Absolutely, I agree that there are occasions where people do need to get a grip, and there does seem to be a trend towards mass hysteria in recent years.

But specifically, my Gran died recently of cancer. No one really knew she was very ill until quite late on and I think she may have known more than she let on but was protecting us. I wish I had known though.

OP posts:

mummydoit · 03/07/2007 13:34

In cases of health, keeping quiet definitely does no good whatsoever. MIL fell and hurt her leg over a year ago and didn't let on. She has now virtually lost the use of it and needs a knee and hip replacement. If she'd sought help at the beginning, she'd probably have been sorted with a bit of physio. So sorry about your gran.

whiskersonkittens · 03/07/2007 13:52

I would have tended to agree about the 'counselling' after TV programmes, but then issues can affect you in ways that you have never thought of, and you may unexpectedly need just to chat things thro. i would be interested to know how many people actually do phone those helplines and how many really needed a chat - probably most of them so it is OK in my view.

I totally agree on asking for help when you need it - children seemed to bring that out in me, as I simply could not cope when dh was away and the babes were small.

Medical - now there's another thing, perfectly happy to go to the doctor for the dcs but would avoid it like the plague for me ....

sweetcherrypie · 03/07/2007 14:06

I believe Coleen Nolan (Loose women) was just describing the sort of person her mother was and she did it in a humorous way rather then a 'this is what you should do' kind of way.

I think it just depends on what kind of person you are, some people go through many hard times in their lives without needing any form of help where as some need help and to talk things through. There is nothing wrong with either way, it's what makes us all different.

Speccy · 03/07/2007 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 03/07/2007 14:08

i havwe struggled with this. i do need to learn for extra help regarding dh care, and me not coping, but dont want to be seen as weak.

FioFio · 03/07/2007 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GreenyMcGyver · 03/07/2007 14:12

I agree, it's anonsensical attitude. There's no special awards ceremony at the pearly gates for the Person Who Suffered In Silence With The Most Stoicism, fgs. Why do people do this to one another? It's part of the mentality that systematically taught generations of children (especially boys) how to detach themselves from their emotions to the extent that by the time they reached adilthood they were programmed to "get on with it" and didn't know how to experience their own feelings.

I for one will be trying to teach my boys that their feelings/sufferings are worth expressing and that they are worthy of support and help when they need it. There's no shame in being a human being rather than a robot.

LadyTophamHatt · 03/07/2007 14:15

there are a fair few threads on here, by me about this.

I find it impossible to admit defeat over something and ask for help. I just can't do it.

I maon alot about all the stuff I have to do but if I'm honest I quite enjoy that fact taht its all up to me because I always get it all done.

I know its not a good thing, I know I shouldswallow my pride andask for help if I'm struggling but I can't.

mumblechum · 03/07/2007 14:32

I never ask for help either, just struggle on. Doesn't honestly occur to me to ask.

But I'm Northern.

Hassled · 03/07/2007 14:35

I seldom ask for help - emotionally or practically. I suspect though it's more about me needing to be in control than my stiff upper lip.

escape · 03/07/2007 14:42

I am of the 'getting on with it' ilk, which is my choice and there is nothing wrong with asking for help, its sensible, but I cannot BEAR 'Princess' types who need help farting, and expect around of applause after

edam · 03/07/2007 14:50

LOL escape, love your description of princess types. I'm with the 'don't make a huge fuss about nothing' school.

expatinscotland · 03/07/2007 14:53

I once went out with a man who was separated from his wife for years but didn't divorce because he didn't want to 'fail' at something.

So I told him, 'Well, you failed at this. See ya!'

toomanydaves · 03/07/2007 14:55

What makes a coper or a screamer? is it genetic? cultural?
I am a screamer with coping undertones.
That is, I think I am a coper, until I meet one, when I realise I am a screamer. But I can fart without positive reinforcement.

expatinscotland · 03/07/2007 14:56

Some folks do need to get a grip, though.

rolledhedgehog · 03/07/2007 15:38

This reminds me of a really irritating conversation I had at a dinner party. Actually I said nothing for fear of ranting. My friends were talking about cancer as someone's sister had just been diagnosed in her mid-twenties and was finding it really hard to handle (understandably I think!). The consensus seemed to be that the best way to deal with it was just to get on with life, be positive, don't let it beat you - blah blah blah. As someone whose mum died of aggressive cancer and witnessed her trying to cover up the true nature of her illness and trying so hard to be positive even though she knew there was no hope I just wanted to scream. There is nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings and giving in to a little frigging despair now and again.

Sorry for the rant!

mummydoit · 03/07/2007 16:30

I have a lot of sympathy for your mum (and you for watching her go through that) but I would still agree with the dinner party guests who say that a positive attitude and getting on with life is the best way. Maybe it's different with an aggressive cancer when the end comes quickly but when it's slower and can last for months or years, it simply is not possible to live at despair level indefinitely. Your mind cannot cope with that intensity of emotion for a long period, you just have to push it to the back of your mind and get on with life. There are moments of despair, of course, but you can't just give up.

muppetgirl · 03/07/2007 16:39

A close friend of mine suffering with depression commited suicide in February leaving ds1 7 and ds2 3. Not a day goes by when I wish she'd would have shouted for help a little more.

mumblechum · 03/07/2007 20:20

muppet girl

3andnomore · 03/07/2007 20:41

firstly agree with op...it is sad that seeking help is seen as a weak thing, where really it is often such a difficult thing to do to actually admit you can't cope and need help, so, if you really do that it's a strong thing to do, iykwim.

Anywya, I am shocked at my own thickness...someone mentioned those helpline offers after certain soap episodes and programmes...i.e. if you have been affected by anything on this programme, etc...because I always read it in the way that if you , in real life, have been affected by any of the issues and watching the programme has maybe made you feel you need to talk about your own experience....I never read it in the way, if watching the prgramme has affected you...I know, I am soo soo thick, aren't I....

Meglet · 03/07/2007 21:02

I agree with you bohemian. I have had more than my fair share of therapy and help throughout my young-ish life and I am a lot more sorted than those people I know who bottle it all up .

An ex-friend of mine was in rehab and her bloody mother refused to take her daughter to school saying that she should get out of rehab and just get on with it. Result, she is still messed up and has problems and no one is any better off! My DPs mum had breast cancer last year and acted like nothing was any different, very strange. I'm not saying she should have been rolling on the floor wailing but acknowledging it and maybe trying to make herself healthier would have been a bit more human. She just pops the pills the doctor gives her and carries on with the housework. My DP's family are very cold and anally retentive.

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