Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really pissed off with my mil - very long

46 replies

cba · 03/07/2007 12:51

ok, I will try and keep this as short as possible and to the point.

We have three children ds1 6years, ds2 4, and dd 2years,

Ever since ds1 born mil has always been a pain in the arse and very unsupportive. Firstly was the fact she smoked and at first refused not to smoke where the baby was. She I had to say if that was the case then i wouldnt go. She then relented and said her and fil would smoke in the kitchen.

I use to visit her five times a week on several times she would look after ds1 while I went to the gym, but she would never come to us.

I asked her if she would like to go the park with us and she said she dosent do walks, swimming and babysitting.

I then fell pregnant with ds2, she said she would get a car seat to help and take ds1 never happened still waiting.

Encouraged her to look after ds2 to form a bond she looked after him twice but said she couldnt cope when he cried as he use to start coughing and she thought he was going to choke.

In between the births she has caused many problems for dh so much so I use to dread him going over there.

I have many converstations with her in a nice way saying I would love her to be more involved but I feel I am having a go for asking all the time.

mil said she wasnt ready to be a grandma when ds1 was born and when ds2 was born she had her own thing going on.

I then fell pregnant with dd and unbenown to me dh was having an affair. Another thread. Anyway, in the two years dd has been alive she has not looked after her once or spent any time with her. She comes over to my house only when I offer to cook for her. I go to their house as often as possible probably once a fortnight on a weekend.

She has now started babysitting her friends granddaughter who is four months, which I am not bothered about. But, she had her overnight at the weekend.

Now she phoned dh last night and said she would like to have the boys stay at her house once a month. She said we can get someone else to look after dd.

Both dh and I have discussed and said no, as she has caused alot of trouble for us and not been supportive at all. She lives 15 mins from us and when I came out of hospital with dd, dh had to go on business for three weeks, I had three children under the age of 4 and she never came once.

Both dh and I think she needs to spend a little time getting to know all the children because at this moment in time if I say we are going to her house they moan, if she is coming here they ask why.

On a recent family holiday we had sepearte villas 30 seconds away from each other she only came to our villa once when I cooked a barbecue and invited her to eat. She never offered to look after children for a couple of hours when they were in bed. She is very shelfish and just thinks of herself.

When i found out about dh affair I did not tell her as I thought I am going to get grief. Eventually she did find out from dh as he felt so guilty, she then said to me I should make more husband time and I need to look at myself to see the reason why he had the affair.

I have asked the boys if they would like to stay as i do not want to deny them, they do not want.

What are peoples thoughts on this, I think world war three is going to break out.

OP posts:
compo · 03/07/2007 12:56

I would keep things poite if at all possible.
I strongly believe that it is dh's family so it should be up to your dh to talk to his mother.
I would get him to thank her very much for her offer but you don't ned help at this stage. Then I would soothe things over by inviting her for Sunday lunch so she knows there are no hard feelings.

compo · 03/07/2007 12:56

polite

Mrbatters · 03/07/2007 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 12:58

thanks compo, but, would you be pissed off that you have always asked her for help and she has always given an excuse not to help. Or should i be thankful that she has at least offered although she has not even got to the know the childrent at all

OP posts:
compo · 03/07/2007 13:00

I would be pissed off but not act on it.
I do often feel aggrieved that my own parents aren't more hands on.
But I've just accepted it as the way things are now.

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:00

mrbaters, I can see where you are coming from me. But the gym visits soon dried up as she said she needed to do the housework. Perhaps, I wasnt clear, again with ds2 nobody else had the problem. Its as though she dosent want to put anything in to get to the know children.

I have tried so hard over the years to involve her but she has just put me down. I suppose I may just feel upset that I have tried so hard with this woman and she has constantly slagged me off to dh and be nice to my face. Where as I have always been honest and up front with her.

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 03/07/2007 13:02

I don't think she's being unreasonable TBH.

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:02

so, should i just let go and not even bother letting dh encourage her to spend more time with them which would naturally lead to them wanting to spend nights there.

I loved staying at my grandparents when I was young but equally they spent time with me so I felt very comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:02

why do you think she is not being unreasonalbe?

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 03/07/2007 13:03

Well that's where you're going wrong. Being hoenst and upfront with your MIL is never a good idea, especially if you're not that hot on her

meandmyflyingmachine · 03/07/2007 13:05

Because there is no reason why she should have to look after your children. She may well be nervous about looking after more than one at a time. My MIL is. It is one of the few reasonable things about her.

And she is probably very confused about the whole affair thing. Hard to deal with for a mother as well as a wife I should think. Although her comments were out of line.

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:07

hi me, i do actually like her, she is a lovely woman as a friend, but she has earned herself the name of gtg "goodtime grandma" in the family circle. I was not aware of this until dg and his brother kept calling her it on holiday. I did come to her defence and get them to stop.

I suppose that is where the problem is I always try and make sure people are happy and run round like a blue arsed fly to make sure nobody misses out on seeing the children but feel I get nothing back in return for me and the children.

Until she started looking after the little baby she had bluntly said to me she did not do babysitting on a weekend as she had her housework to do and she was to busy.

OP posts:
compo · 03/07/2007 13:08

I know that if I aksed my mum would look ater my dcs over night.
But I also know she'd rsther not.
On the other hand I am very lucky in that I know MIL loves having them.
So I just ask MIL and although my mum has never bought it up I'm sure she is hugely relieved.
It's a mistake to expect what happened in our childhood's to happen in our children's imo

meandmyflyingmachine · 03/07/2007 13:10

"Goodtime Grandma" - and why not?

zubb · 03/07/2007 13:11

if you see them every couple of weeks then why do you feel that they are not familiar with her?

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:11

compo, you are right in what you are saying. I suppose we are both bitter that when we really needed help when dd was a baby and over the years she has refused when we have asked to the point where we have stopped asking her.

Is is the general thing for the dh to deal with his own mother and leave me out of it. When she speaks to me and I am very honest she says to dh that I am like a school teacher and make her feel like a child, I am only being honest ffs.

Do you all get your dh to deal with their mothers my husband tends to say to me to deal with it, I dont want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:12

dd will not go to her at all. When we go to her house she continues with her housework and dosent sit and spend even five minutes talking with us, she just potters about while we sit in the living room or the kitchen

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 03/07/2007 13:13

I deal with her.

I deal with her by being super polite and not rocking the boat.

I avoid family rucks at all costs I'm afraid.

Original poster
cba · 03/07/2007 13:16

but dont you get pissed off me, what would you do in my situation. Am i being fair in suggesting that she spends some nice time with the children because at the moment they do not feel comfortable to go and stay there and then they may want to stay there. If they want to I dont have a problem.

OP posts:
dramaqueen · 03/07/2007 13:19

I think your mistake has been to assume she wants to be involved in your children's lives, which actually is a reasonable assumption to make. You have then made sure she sees them as much as possible, all the effort coming from you.

However it doesn't seem as if she wants to be as involved as you feel she should. There fore you need to change your view of her as a traditional grandmother. Back off with your efforts and see what happens.

I had to make a mental shift with my parents. I spent years trying to get them to visit etc, then became angry with them for favouring my sister's dc, then decided to opt out of the whole family thing. Only now have i acheived some sort of peace of mind.

SachaF · 03/07/2007 13:19

Why not say 'that is a lovely idea' (the staying overnight) 'but I would like the boys to be more used to your house and you to be more used to (the trouble they can cause) their behaviour, so can we start with small visits and build up to overnight?'
She is offering, and you should welcome her offering as she may not do it again, but you need it to be on your terms as it is your kids and you know what is best for them.
And you can use that time to be 1 on 1 with dd rather than 'get someone else to look after dd'.

SachaF · 03/07/2007 13:21

Not implying your kids are troublesome! Just that in a different setting 6 and 4 year olds don't know what the new boundaries are!

RubySlippers · 03/07/2007 13:21

i have had issues with my in-laws about what i perceived as their lack of involvement
i got upset and angry and TBH i have now realised it is up to them what they want to do (or not) and that is that
i had assumed they would want to be involved/babysit/visit etc but they have been quite hands off
i think that as much as it pisses you off this is the situation you have too, but it sounds like they still see your children fairly often
now i have accepted the situation i have, things are much better IYSWIM

lisad123 · 03/07/2007 13:25

Sorry but why should she look after your children? They are your children and your choice. She has had her children.
Dont get me wrong i think its lovely that grandparents support their families and many enjoy having their GC over to play/stay/babysit, but not all.
lisa

zubb · 03/07/2007 13:26

start by letting them stay there for an hour or so without you.

you say that you want her to be more involved, and then when she offers you don't like it. Do you not think she can look after the boys overnight or is it just that they don't want to go? Can you make it sound exciting for them, rather than ask them if it will be OK - which would make my kids think that maybe it wouldn't be!