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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you deal with not fancying your partner anymore?

22 replies

Newlife1987 · 02/02/2019 18:57

I've tried counselling, reigniting "the flame" etc. I find it so awful having sex with my partner. Everything else in the relationship works so well so it's really difficult. I'd feel awful breaking up but it's got to the point I avoid sex at all costs and when we do, I find it so uncomfortable.
Is anyone else in this situation? Have you stayed in the relationship and accepted sex isn't working? Do you break up just because of the sex? I feel at a dead end and don't know what the best answer is.
Any help or support is much appreciated.
For context we've been together 5 years and have a two year old son.
I never really was massively sexually attracted to DP anyway - I fell in love with him.as a person, but now the lack of sexual attraction is at an all time low and I don't think there's any coming back from it.

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 02/02/2019 19:04

It depends on how important the sex is to you tbh. I don't have an amazing sex life (though I think that's down to me a bit) but he's so perfect in every other way that I'm happy and don't care

ChodeofChodeHall · 02/02/2019 19:07

I felt this way about my ex partner. I knew it wouldn't get any better so we split. Like you say, I loved him very much but we never really had that 'spark'. It's so hard to break up with someone who you like and treats you nicely. I used to wish he'd cheat on me to give me a reason to dump him!

Original poster

Newlife1987 · 02/02/2019 19:22

Chode - that's exactly how I feel, and I feel so guilty that I want that. Were you totally honest when you broke up? I know DP knows that I feel like that, but I know it also breaks his heart and I can't bare to (I'm obviously a bit of a coward)!

OP posts:

MrsTumbletap · 02/02/2019 19:42

I wouldn't be brutally honest no. It will only hurt him.

But It depends if it is something he can change. Is it his weight, I think you can say, as he then has the chance to lose weight.

If it's his face, bit difficult to change.

What is it exactly you don't fancy? Body, face, mannerisms?

MrLovebucket · 02/02/2019 19:49

First of all I avoided going to bed at the same time as him so I didn't have to have sex with him, would wait for him to go to sleep. When I realised the attraction was never going to be revived I ended the relationship.

The alternative was either him going without sex (or having an affair) or me getting drunk and forcing myself to 'go through with it'.

RoboticSealpup · 02/02/2019 19:50

I had that with my ex. I had to think about others when having sex or I just couldn't do it... It was part of the reason we drifted apart.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/02/2019 19:52

Alcohol!!

EmeraldShamrock · 02/02/2019 19:54

I go through stages feeling like that but I do bounce back, it is usually my mood causing it, I do find DP attractive.
As hard as it is I think you need yo move on, it seems like you have tried.
If your birth year like your username is 1987 you are very young and deserve to feel attracted to your DP.
We only get one life, any advice id offer to my younger self is, put your happiness first I see many people going through the motions it won't get better.

Hazlenutpie · 02/02/2019 19:54

How does he feel?

macmacaroon · 02/02/2019 20:08

When I was in my 20s I split from DP because i didn't fancy him. He was lovely though and kind. My DH I did really fancy but 2 DC later neither of us look out best and are too tired for sex. When we make an effort and dress up I do remember that I fancy him. When he makes an effort does he scrub up/do you fancy him more?

Worsethingshappen · 02/02/2019 20:11

No wise words myself but I recommend listening to the Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel. Has podcasts and videos on YouTube. Lots helpful things to say on loosing “desire” etc.

Lushlemming · 02/02/2019 20:12

Just do yourself and him a favour and end it now.

He deserves to be with somebody who finds him attractive and you should be with somebody who gives you the fanny flutters.

Life is too short.

JagerPlease · 02/02/2019 20:15

Ignored it and avoided sex. Then found myself getting attracted to other people. Eventually left as I realised that that was a sign that it wasn't just a blip and decided I couldn't sign myself up for another 50 years with that attraction missing

Inliverpool1 · 02/02/2019 20:16

We got divorced I’ve had 6 years of highs and lows but st Kraft I don’t wake up to that face every morning

rainflowerstar · 02/02/2019 20:18

I was like this with an ex and I ended things because it physically repulsed me if he came near me. We had two sons at the time too but it was such a relief when he moved out.

JasperKarat · 02/02/2019 20:21

I think it depends why, if he's lost motivation or ambition, or if he doesn't take care of his physical appearance or your both in a rut and are more like friends and changing those things would make a difference to you, you owe it to him to have the conversation even if it's awkward.
If it's something that has changed in you, low mood, depression, wandering eye, you should try and address that. You'll see on here finding a person you love for who they are isn't easy.
If it was never really there and you just can't pretend anymore you or him as someone you care about the freedom to find someone who loves all aspects of him. He must feel pretty low in the current circumstances.

couchparsnip · 02/02/2019 20:32

I am feeling this way too. I don't want to end it but DH is starting to get depressed as I keep rejecting him.
It doesnt seem fair on him but he says he's fine.

I did used to find him attractive but he's put on so much weight I just don't any more.

I feel shallow but can't help my reactions.
We still have sex now and again because I still love him and want to make him happy. But its not very often and I tend to have a few glasses of wine first.
So.. I can't help but do know how you feel!

MirriVan · 02/02/2019 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChodeofChodeHall · 02/02/2019 20:59

Were you totally honest when you broke up?

Not totally honest, no. I told him my feelings had changed but they hadn't really: I'd never really been physically attracted to him but he was enormously sweet and caring towards me and it was what I felt I needed at the time.

Ignored it and avoided sex. Then found myself getting attracted to other people

Exactly this. I started planning an affair with a guy at work. That's when I knew I should end it.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 02/02/2019 21:01

I had this with the last person I was with before my now-partner. Loved him but just couldn't. Had to end it. But there were no kids with him etc.

So, he knows how you feel but you can't rip the band aid off. You could try some couples counselling first and see what, if anything, comes out.

EveryoneLovesDogs · 02/02/2019 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pernickity1 · 02/02/2019 23:26

I was in a similar situation to ChodeofChodeHall in that I never really properly fancied my ex but he was so lovely and I loved him as a person so I let it drag on for ten bloody years!

If you didn’t have children I’d say leave now but I’d be more reluctant with a child involved...I believe we owe it to our children to work really hard at the one relationship that gives them the most security. But...that said if the spark wasn’t there at the beginning I’m afraid there’s nothing to “reignite” and you will never have that sexual chemistry with your DP. Can you live with that? Does your life together have enough good points that it’s worth staying as a couple? Or do you feel utterly horrified at the thought of never being sexually satisfied again?

Whatever you do OP don’t do what I did - I cheated, he found out and it was a total shit show. Years on, a new relationship and two DC later it still remains the biggest regret of my life that I hurt someone so wonderful because I was too much of a coward to end it the right way.

I really feel for you it’s a very difficult position to be in

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