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Original poster

To want more after 7 years together???

23 replies

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 02/02/2019 14:01

I've been with DP for 7 years. I'll try to stop this from becoming too long without drip feeding.
We don't live together, can't see that we ever will.
I've just had my divorce finalised - trying to move my life forward all the time. I'm looking to buy a house on my own and it's made me realise a few things.
He won't face getting his divorce started, he hates having to do things that might be difficult.
He has his marital house back. Has his adult kids round regularly. I feel so sad that I'm buying a house on my own when I thought I'd be doing it with him. He doesn't seem bothered.
Today, I don't feel loved, important or that he cares particularly about our relationship. He is always telling me he loves me, but I'm finding that I'm drawing away from him emotionally as he has no interest in building a life together.
I'm not ready to Chuck it out yet.
I'm just so confused. It's difficult to be around him - it's hard to behave normally when I feel such resentment towards him.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 02/02/2019 14:04

Have you spoken about setting up home together?

ElspethFlashman · 02/02/2019 14:06

I think it might have run its course.

Original poster
Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 02/02/2019 14:07

I don't bother asking him anymore.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 02/02/2019 14:08

Don't ask, won't get.

Don't want to ask, you've already checked out of the relationship and you just need to finalise that.

Which way are you going to go, OP?

Floralhousecoat · 02/02/2019 14:08

You're doing the right thing by emotionally disengaging wrt to dp. You may not be prepared to end the relationship just yet, but it's extremely important that you put yourself first and take a step back.

Look after YOU, he's no doubt looking after himself.

Well done on buying a house on your own. Future you will thank you for doing that.

Original poster
Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 02/02/2019 14:11

I just feel so sad. We were supposed to have a date night tonight, but I'm getting over the flu and crippled from the gym.
I feel like if I finally ended it, he would just slope off and not try to make things better

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/02/2019 14:16

I feel like if I finally ended it, he would just slope off and not try to make things better

I don't disagree; from you've said, but why would you want to be with someone who doesn't really care about being with you?

He's not building a future with you, he's coasting. It hurts whenever it happens, especially after 7 years, and I am really sorry for that. But you have the opportunity to either talk to him and see where this is going once and for all or accept that you already know and make your new house a new start all round.

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/02/2019 14:25

Continue to build your own future without him.
He is happy with the status quo. You aren't. Move on.
And in any present or future relationship, I wouldn't be so eager to combine things financially--protect yourself.

letsdolunch321 · 02/02/2019 14:32

Keep him at arms length for 3/4 weeks, if he wants you around he will do the chasing.

JacksonPillock · 02/02/2019 14:42

Why don't you want to end it? Sounds like it's already long since finished anyway.

LatentPhase · 02/02/2019 14:46

That’s really sad. He’s coasting, you’re moving forward. It must hurt.

Leave him behind now. Either rip the plaster off or fade him out.

Congrats on moving forward and your new house. Yay to you!

No advice just Flowers and

LatentPhase · 02/02/2019 14:47

ooh, and Cake

BettyBitchface · 02/02/2019 15:01

You don't live together so what would be that different if you dumped him. Would you you notice the difference that much? Would he?

Life would be pretty much as it is now but without a disinterested man to make you feel shitty and the freedom to meet someone who might just show an interest in building a life together.

Don't you think life is too short to waste on a Mr Tomorrow Probably Never.

coppercolouredtop · 02/02/2019 15:09

What does he say when you ask him about any future together?

Baconmaker · 02/02/2019 15:15

Maybe you just want different things? He wants a permanently casual relationship with anyone who's nice enough and he gets on with and you want to build a life with someone special.

Smallhorse · 02/02/2019 15:24

do you have a good relationship ?

Do you love each other ?

Perhaps he wants to have separate homes with the relationship in parallel.
I actually think this is a very good idea and I wish I had done it myself.

Owning your individual properties when you have children outwith the relationship is a sound idea.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 02/02/2019 15:33

I'd be ending things. What does he say when you talk about moving on together? He either wants to be with you or he doesn't.
I wouldn't want a partner I lived separate from after 7 years, I wouldn't see the point. Surely the end game is to build a life with someone if you love them. It may work for some to live separately but if it's not what you want then I'd be calling it a day and looking elsewhere.

Purpleartichoke · 02/02/2019 15:37

I’ve known a few people who were divorced or widowed who had long term relationships without living together. The idea was to not muddy any inheritance issues. It worked for all parties though because they each found people who wanted the same kind of relationship without a formal relationship.

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/02/2019 15:40

tbh this sounds dead in the water, try talking about this with him as' you seem to have to reached a cross roads in the relationship' and gauge his reaction, the fact that the divorce isn't sort suggests he's not that bothered and possibly hates change, after 7 years and not living together with an estranged wife in the back ground - and he STILL married to her - i would assume that i'm not really that important in his life, i'd cut my loses and move on.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2019 15:49

The thing is, he's just as entitled to be happy with things as they are as you are entitled to want more. It's different expectations, isn't it? If he's happy with the way things are and you aren't, then you need to call it a day and look for someone who wants the same things you do.

My cousin is in a relationship where they both own their own homes and have no intention of living together. The both have grown children and are 'empty nesters'. They spend their time together at his or hers as they choose, but also have their own 'retreat' when they want it or want to spend time with their children on their own. As far as they're concerned they have the best of both worlds.

pallasathena · 02/02/2019 16:22

How old is he OP?
I ask because as previous posters have said, it's often a lifestyle choice to keep a separate household and reject the traditional relationship of marriage/partner when you're of a certain age.
If I was in your position, that's exactly what I would do. Keep matters pleasant, separate, uncomplicated.
If this is, as appears, a dealbreaker; then you must move on and find someone who wants what you want.

Original poster
Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 02/02/2019 17:04

He's 50 this year. I'm 44 in May.

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 02/02/2019 17:21

So for 7 years you've been dating a married man, not living together, and he has no plans of ever getting divorced or living with you?

Are they definitely split up and not just in some open relationship that you aren't aware of?

Either way, there's plenty of fish in the sea, throw this one back.

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