To think you can never really know your partner, no matter how long you're together?

[GirlOnIt]

Sorry if it's a bit depressive. Known Dp 5+ years and there's things I'd have sworn he'd never do or say things he now has. It's like us having a Ds has brought out a sexist idiot in him and I'm wondering how he could have hidden that side of himself.

Then reading relationship threads on here and I think, no matter how long you're with someone you never really know do you? Not even just with cheating but how some men then are completely different if it comes to a separation or after kids arrive.
Before I'd have sworn if me and Dp split up he'd be fair and considerate regarding Ds, but really he could be an absolute dick, because I don't really know.

This is why I could never ever be reliant on a partner. Least I have my own money and a job to return to after mat leave. So he can quite frankly go fuck himself!

My exH manages to outdo himself every single day that passes..

He was actually alright when we were married..😳

I dated someone very full on for 18 months before moving in with him, only to discover nearly a year later that he wanted to vote Leave when the referendum came round. For the racist reasons.

Seriously made me feel I'm not responsible enough to get into relationships

It's not true for me. I can categorically say it's not in his nature to do anything like described.

My ex always said he "would never hit a woman and men that did were simply cowards" for 8 years I believed him, then one night my 11yro daughter accidentally called him the wrong name, that obviously meant I had been unfaithful and once I was asleep he proceeded to beat the living daylights out of me, breaking my jaw, cheekbone, ribs, knocking 4 of my teeth out and leaving me for dead on the floor. I never thought for one minute he was capable of such a thing and I agree I never knew him after all

Jesus Dimples. How terrifying.

You can only truly know someone if they allow it. If they keep anything hidden away then you can't, but you won't know that they've kept that part hidden unless it finally comes out.

It's also why I think "when someone tells you who they are listen to them" is such good advice. Looking back on it to my ex I had seen how he treated former girlfriends at the end of their relationship. When he's happy he's the nicest man in the world. Kind, loving and treats his partners wonderfully well, but I had seen him be a bit disrespectful at the end of a relationship. It wasn't until the end of ours that I thought "Oh yeah, this is the bit you hide and I forgot". His wife is currently experiencing that just now because he's a twat when he's bored.

Often you only find out who someone really, really is when the shit hits the fan.

Do we even really know ourselves?

I think it's sad/worrying and probably wouldn't face up to it in the day to day but yes I do totally agree. It goes both ways, does anyone really think their partner fully knows them? Unless you can read someone's mind, you just don't. Opinions and desires change all the time, nobody is in deep conversation with their partner 24/7, a lot of people never are, and a lot of people don't divulge their inner thoughts for fear of rocking the boat/losing someone/being seen negatively (and so on).
You can feel you trust someone, certainly. But no, you do never really know them. I think it would be unrealistic to assume you do.

I agree op, you only know what people want you to know at the time. I've been with dh for 5 years, (married for 3) and I've only recently discovered that he enjoys a good old sulk. I hate sulking, and I know what you mean about feeling conned - he hid this side of himself deliberately.

After 40 years I thought I knew my DH; I didn't.
🙁

I'm always ruminating about this subject.
After past experiences I'm always questioning our relationship, either out loud or in the privacy of my own mind.
I can only go on what I know about him, but your right, how do I know everything about him?
I never will.
The fear of feeling I've wasted time with someone who was never who I believed him to be fills me with dread.
The fear of feeling I've wasted time doubting someone actually truly loves me and treats me with respect and would never cheat on me fills me with dread.

Past experiences with others that is not this one

I think you’re right. My and DH have been through a lot, and I literally thought I knew him inside out until last week.

He’s always promised if we split up that he would ensure that we could remain with a roof over our heads (have a lot of health problems which sometimes stops my ability to go to work) then he saw a friend who has recently been separated and is currently sleeping in a friends livingroom with her children.
She needed to gain access to the family home that her husband chucked her out of and changed the locks on, as advised by the council as they won’t house her and the girls as she owns the home she’s left.

The men in our circle got together and talked about how deranged and not nice she was because she hadn’t paid the same as her DH, so she should of course be the one to leave!

When confronted about it DH told me life isn’t all what I’ve read on mumsnet, we don’t really know, we have only heard her side of the story (whereas they’ve heard his)

I didn’t ever think that someone else’s break up would cause me to lose respect for him.

Oh that's horrible Dimples. I'm so sorry, but very glad he's your ex now.

It's quite disheartening isn't it Letsmove. Even though I know it's not the worst thing in the world. I'm feeling like the values I thought we shared are just lies (on his part).

I'm not actually sure it's something I can come back from.

OP, in your case (i.e. change of behaviour after having a child together) I think many men (and women) revert back to the relationship their parents had when they were a child. Is his dad sexist towards his mum?

Dimples wow and how terrifying. He hid his inner monster well. Hope you are well away from him and don't meet his kind again.

Married nearly 30 years to a very kind , patient and loving man.Who had an EA affair while working away (home to me at weekends where he was still like this.)
Such a cliche to say I never thought he would do something like this.
But I am surprising him and myself by going to counselling together instead of simply LTB , which I was convinced I would do in the circumstances.
I am in my 50s , seen a lot of relationships and honestly, nothing shocks me any more.

The sad thing we have to accept is that People change. Even nice people aren't AS nice once they are out of a loving relationship. I assume Dh wouldn't be THAT nice to me, not as nice as he is now, is he left me and divorced me.

Sad. But true. ?

But, surely, this is where the 'trust' bit comes into it.

Although we never know what our loved one may be capable of, we trust that they wouldn't do it, hence being in a r'ship with them.

It's not gender specific, is it. You never really know because people change, or people have never been in an extreme situation and their reaction would be completely out of character. Things get bad when people split up because people get angry and bitter.

I know my DH pretty well. Been together 13 years, known each other 20.

I know what his weaknesses are. I know what his strengths are. I know how he will react to most situations. But he still surprises me sometimes mostly in good ways.

He was a twat when ds was born though. 5 years ago and it very nearly broke our relationship. It was a perfect storm. I was EBF and exhausted. Recovering from a c section, finding ds hardwork. Dh was working away, our business was booming. He had 15 men working for him across the country. Money was pouring in.

He thought he was king of the world. I felt very exposed, exhausted, mentally and physically vulnerable.

However after an epic meltdown, a huge argument and me telling him to leave and not come back we managed to limp through and found our way back to each other.

If we hadn't had that blip I would say I 100% know him. But that showed me we can't always know someone as well as we know ourselves. I wouldn't have ever said I would be as vulnerable as what I was then.

But in any relationship there has to be a bit of what if I think. Not just the bad stuff but the good stuff too. I bumped our new car a few years ago. Completely my fault. We had only had it 3 weeks. Was dreading telling DH. If he had done it I would have gone mad.

He looked at the dint, sucked his teeth, shook his head and said 'it doesn't matter love, we can have it popped out, you're a pillock though'. And that was it.

Made me realise all over again that I don't actually know him as well as I think and that he can still surprise me.

I agree that you can never really know someone. Hell, I frequently surprise myself.

However, I have known DH for more than 25 years and he has never, let me down.

He is the only person I actually trust. Possibly above myself.

Having worked in Family Law I am well aware of how love can turn, but what does that mean? You never love or trust anyone? No, I couldn't live like that.

So you roll the dice, but you can "weight" the dice in your favour.

It's not a matter of knowing them though... people grow and change with lifestyle experiences, their health... etc. I'm certainly not the same person I was 17 years ago and my ExH couldn't get his head around it. Just because you're compatible at 23, doesn't mean you will be at 40.

I agree with this and I also think that you don’t know how someone will react if you ever separate; hurt and money can make people act in unexpected ways.
It’s one of the reasons why I think it’s important to maintain some financial independence