Not to start work for a year

[PenguinOnThinIce]

Am coming to the end of my degree (NHS course) and am due to start work in the summer. Two DC, 4.5 and 18 months. Emergency services DH on shifts.

Over the last six years we have had constant financial worry, moved house five times (one house flooded), had two children, both had fairly major operations, I’ve had PND twice, my mum has developed Alzheimer’s, his dad has been in and out of hospital, and we basically haven’t slept properly since DC1 was born and he is now on the point of getting an ASD diagnosis. Through all of this I have studied full time an hour and a half’s commute away (apart from mat leaves) and worked whenever DH is home as a private tutor and exam marker to pull in some extra money. I finished my finals a couple of weeks ago and instead of rejoicing am having I think some sort of breakdown. I am shaking and crying for no reason on and off, bright lights and loud noises feel like they’re pushing on me. I ended up sitting in my wardrobe yesterday as it was dark and quiet and I could feel the clothes pressing on me which was nice. I’m terrified I’m damaging the children by being a useless mother when I’m here and an absent one when I’m not. My physical health is in tatters- I get every bug going, my skin is terrible and my weight is yoyoing wildly as I keep binging and then losing all interest in food for days and barely eating. GP thinks I have CFS; I think I have undiagnosed ASD and have finally hit my limits in terms of coping. Exams are finished but I’m still on placement and just spending a day in the hospital is wiping me out. I’m coping in front of the kids and coping on placement and when I’m on my own or with DH I just collapse and cry. DH has suggested I finish my last placements and then take a year out. I was only going to start work part time anyway as I wanted to be at home a bit for DS2 and didn’t think we could accommodate both of us on full time shifts, but at the moment I don’t even feel like I could cope with that. Or rather I’d cope fine at work but everything else would go to pieces. DH has suggested just staying at home for a year, doing some tutoring and marking if I feel like it but mostly focusing on getting better and being around for the DC. We would save so much money in childcare that we wouldn’t be much worse off than we are now. The difficulty of course is that we’ve been anticipating for years now being much better off once I finally start work. And I feel ridiculous I’ve done all this work for ages and now might bottle it at the last minute. The summer is still ages away I know, so I might feel differently by then, but since he suggested it yesterday I feel like a weight has lifted. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I really really do - I just don’t think I can do it now. Unfortunately no option to wait less than a year. It’s this summer or next. So AIBU to consider this?

Definitely take the year off.

You've had a lot to deal with. Your DH is supportive of this, and financially it won't make much difference.

Take a year to get better and spend some extra time with your children.

You'll be in a much better place to apply for a job next year and go into the job with the right mindset.

Not at all. Your health for all considered is by far the most important. If a year out spending quality time with your DCs is what you need to get you back to full health and you can manage financially then 100% do it.
You have the rest of your life to work.

Take the year off. I went back to work after my third mat leave working 30 hours with 3 kids under 6 into a stressful job where we were under resourced. After a year, I was in the same state that you describe. I ended up at home for 15 months, and gradually got better. I've been back at work for 3 years now, and despite the stress and lack of resources (industry wide problem), I am coping fine and enjoying life. I would have been a wreck without that break

You’re not talking about having a year of nothing. You’d be marking/tutoring and looking after your children. Sounds like a good idea if you can afford it.

Wow, you've been through a hell of a lot

YANBU to take a break to focus on your health.

Can I suggest that it doesn't have to be a whole year - just see how it goes? Maybe revisit in 6 months time and see how you feel?

As for finances, do check your benefit entitlement and make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to.

Oh sorry just saw at the end of your post that there's no option to wait less than a year. In that case just wait a year.

Have you asked your GP about a referral for an ASD diagnosis? And mental health support?

Grab that year off with both hands and kiss it.

There is so, so, SO MUCH MORE to life than money OP. You know that, you just don't want to say it outloud because you think it sounds bad. Let yourself of the hook and enjoy some time with your kids. Get yourself better. You don't get that time back and you can't put a price on health xx

Definitely take a year off.
I'd also get signed off the rest of your placement for stress and anxiety. University placements tend to be more hours than we need for registration anyway so it won't prevent you from registering (if nursing.)

Thank you. You’re all agreeing with DH. I’d really like to do it. I just keep feeling like it’s taking the piss to let him take the strain financially for yet another year. I’m also worried I’ll forget things. @Lifeisabeach09 thank you - unfortunately I do need to finish the placements as the uni won’t let me graduate if I don’t. It’s medicine rather than nursing so I need sign offs from each placement rather than a total number of hours. Stopping now and continuing at this time next year would be an option though. But I think I’d feel a lot better if I’d graduated, rather than still had a couple of hurdles (no matter how small) to jump.

AnotherEmma I mentioned it to a GP a while ago who just said I was making eye contact with her and therefore couldn’t have ASD. Which is obviously bollocks but has kind of putting me off asking for a referral again. Maybe I should try though. In a way there’s no point as it just costs the nhs money and it’s not like it would change anything, but it would be such a relief to know there’s a reason. In terms of mental health support I’m still on sertraline from PND round 2. Could probably do with raising the dose. I’ve done counselling before and really don’t find it helpful but I could try again.

I totally understand the need to finish. Psychologically that is then achieved. Absolutely take the year. You have many years to work, and will make up for it financially at the end of your career. You cannot get these years back with your children, and imo you will do better in the rest of your training if you get yourself psychologically recovered and well. If you can afford it (even at a stretch), why not?

FWIW I have found CBT very helpful in the past. It's very different from standard counselling. In most areas you can self-refer. Google IAPT in your area.

There should also be some kind of student counselling service?

And lastly there's some good advice on getting a diagnosis here:
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

Social masking takes a lot of energy. Life is attritional too, so a bit of time to recuperate would be a good thing.

My blood pressure has literally gone down since I had an ADHD dx as I know now to have breaks from people, rather than try to fit in all the time.

I had 8 months off from work (seperate to mat leave) & was back in the swing of things really quickly so don't worry about that. Those 8 months off gave me a wonderful time bonding with my DS & time to regroup

When you said you went into the wardrobe and felt all the clothes pressing around you, I wondered if you had an ASD diagnosis.

People with no money don't quote that money is unimportant!