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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want my husband to spend more time with us?

25 replies

JUstme123456778 · 02/02/2019 08:49

My husband works 6 days a week usually from 8am until 8pm. He is self employed. I find that we just don’t spend enough time together. It’s so frustrating especially on Fridays and Saturdays when my DS doesn’t go to nursery. I have no family in the area and don’t have many friends with kids I could meet up with.
I get literally exhausted as I am all the time on my own doing all the chores of the house and entartaining DS. I also go to work when DS is in nursery. We need money atm, as all my income goes on childcare and I understand why he needs to work so much. He has a good career ahead of him and he really enjoys it. But I feel like I am a single parent all the time and that he’s not spending enough time with us.
Maybe I’m being unreasonable but I miss spending time together and having fun with DS.
I just want to know if there is anyone else in the same situation and if this is the norm once you have children.
Thank you 😊

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 02/02/2019 08:54

Well, um, yes YABU if he is working 6 days a week for your family, but I can see that it would be lonely. How long term is his work pattern likely to be ?

Dodie66 · 02/02/2019 08:57

I agree he needs to spend more time with you. One point. If all your money goes in childcare why don’t you stay at home and look after your DS. You would be less exhausted.

IceRebel · 02/02/2019 08:58

He's in a bit of a no win situation.

Work less to spend time with family = The family with struggle without the extra money.
Work as he currently is = He misses out on time with family.

I'm sure if he could he would rather be spending time with you and having fun with his son, but where would the extra money come from if he cut his hours?

Auntiepatricia · 02/02/2019 09:00

I’m in exactly the same position but DH pretty much does 7 days a week and I’ve 4 kids under 6. Sorry! Not playing top trumps here but just wanted to say that yes it’s lonely and overwhelming and relentless. I don’t know what to do with my lot every weekend because there’s so few places I can bring them safely and get any sort of enjoyment out of. Then I still have meals and tidying etc at home once we do get back with everyone grumpy and fighty! I am beginning to see things improve now though that I’m not dying with morning sickness and the two older ones are amazing. Maybe when the little ones get up a bit more I’ll actually be able to enjoy my kids. Hang in there and definitely schedule your DH into the weekend. That’s where I’ve failed. I’ve tried so hard to carve out time for him to work that I don’t force him to make time for us. His work is so stressful and overwhelming though I just want to help him get through the weeks but it does compromise me and the kids.

user1493413286 · 02/02/2019 09:02

We’re the same; my DH is setting up his own business which takes up all hours and when he is off he’s exhausted which I completely understand but I do feel I’m on my own a lot in parenting DD.
We’ve agreed that he’ll prioritise being home early on a Friday (as in 6.30/7) for us to have some time and I plan in doing things every other weekend minimum once a month even if it’s small like taking DD swimming.
I don’t have family and friends where we live as we recently moved but I often travel to see people even if it involves staying overnight as I was getting fed up being in by myself. Weekends are hard as I feel a bit self conscious taking DD places by myself but it helps to get out and the reality is that no one pays any attention

AnoukSpirit · 02/02/2019 09:03

You sound like a single parent.

Pretty sure only part of your income goes on childcare and part of your husband's income goes on childcare. Not all of yours. Cos that ain't how it works.

Why the fuck are you doing all the chores and all the child caring responsibilities? You're both working, you both live in the house, and you both decided to have a child together. They are all joint responsibilities.

This set up sounds like your husband is paying you to be his housekeeper and nanny.

What is the point of living like this?

Auntiepatricia · 02/02/2019 09:08

Anouk you could say the same to me, I work full time. But this is just the way it is for a time now, it won’t always be like this. But it’s complex and involves money (people sometimes find themselves trapped working insane hours to make what they need), personality (DH is highly motivated and a grafter, something I always knew about him and love about him) and finally, I get downtime every evening after the kids are in bed. He gets none so I can’t feel that hard done by. He does it for us and is a good person and a good father. He would love to be with us more so for now, I accept that he really has no choice (not least because he can’t bear to fail).

AnoukSpirit · 02/02/2019 09:09

If all your money goes in childcare why don’t you stay at home and look after your DS.

Unless the op meant that 50% of the nursery costs were equivalent to her entire earnings, then this is tosh.

Even so, there are other important reasons for working. Not least the adult interaction op talks about missing as it is.

Why is it never the husband's wages that get treated as supposedly being swallowed up by the entirety of nursery/childcare fees?

grenadezombie · 02/02/2019 09:24

I thought you were going to say he was out in the evenings/weekends doing his hobby or drinking with his mates.

He is literally working his arse off. YABVU.

grenadezombie · 02/02/2019 09:26

Oh and yes it is very normal to have to work.

When my eldest 2 were little DH and I worked opposite shifts for 5 years and barely saw each other.

Original poster

JUstme123456778 · 02/02/2019 09:28

Thank you all for your responses. We have joint bank accounts and whatever gets paid in is for us both I guess. I want to work because I’m a bit nervous about having a gap in my cv for when I do want to start working full time again. Also I like having the social interaction, otherwise I wouldn’t have.
I also want DS to go to nursery as he needs the social interaction too and he learns to be without me which will help him when he goes to school. He only goes half a day but he absolutely loves it and don’t want to take that away from him.

I know why DH works hard and I know it will hopefully be for another couple years but I also feel he misses out on a lot.

I really want to help with money but it’s impossible for me. He literally doesn’t have the time to do any housework and I try to understand why everything is left for me to do. I feel lonely I guess and left out as everyone (inc family-which are about 2-3 hours away) have their own lives and we can’t see eachother very often.

OP posts:

Original poster

JUstme123456778 · 02/02/2019 09:30

Don’t want to sound horrible. I only wanted to see if people are in the same situation as we are. Xx

OP posts:

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 09:33

He literally doesn’t have the time to do any housework
And you do? You aren’t busy from 8-8 Monday to Saturday?

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 09:36

I’m also wondering what kind of business where someone works 8-8, 6 days a week isn’t providing enough to keep the wolf from the door? Unless it’s a start up, it doesn’t seem particularly successful. Perhaps he might consider finding a job where he can earn more for working fewer hours?

Boysandbuses · 02/02/2019 09:39

Why is it never the husband's wages that get treated as supposedly being swallowed up by the entirety of nursery/childcare fees?

When people post this, I assume they mean the equivalent to their wage goes on childcare. Not that they actually pay the childcare bill themseleves.

Yabbers perhaps their out goings are high?

Mummyshark2018 · 02/02/2019 09:40

If you work part time could you not go and visit your family/friends every fortnight for 2 nights say Wednesday-Friday etc as I assume your dh does not see much of you or your dc as he is working long hours. . 2-3 hours drive is not that far.

Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2019 09:48

When people post this, I assume they mean the equivalent to their wage goes on childcare. Not that they actually pay the childcare bill themseleves.

Yes. I assumed this too.

Love51 · 02/02/2019 09:49

Is there a toddler group you could go to on a Friday? They are usually cheap, and you can meet some adults (oh, and DS will be entertained too!) It is hard when the weather is cold - you don't want to stay outside long but inside stuff costs money. When mine were tiny I got a couple of annual entries to different places, then we could have days out which although repeated, were cheap. There was a huge museum locally the kids enjoyed toddling about, with hands on interactive stuff. You may need to invest in friendships, as it won't help to resent dp for working, but you do need adult conversation!

CurlsandCurves · 02/02/2019 09:51

Yabbers I know what you’re saying and I’m all for sharing the load. But my DH works similar hours. He’ll come home today having been working in a cold empty house doing very physical work. So when he comes home physically knackered and cold to the bone, the last thing I’m going to do is direct him towards the ironing pile!

I know how you feel, op, it is hard when the kids are very young too. I don’t know what the solution is tho. All I can say is now mine are older the weekends feel less arduous, they are more independent and amuse themselves.

MsVestibule · 02/02/2019 10:02

So your DH is working 70+ hours a week and can't support a family of three on it? Is there any way you can reduce your outgoings? Either that, or he becomes an employee rather than self employed? Can you work more and put your DS in nursery more? Even if you're only on NMW, you should be earning quite a bit more more than a nursery/childminder costs.

Gudgyx · 02/02/2019 10:05

I hear ya. Mine works away mon-fri, comes home and works locally at the weekend so at least he comes home Saturday and Sunday nights, albeit late. This is the first job he’s had since I’ve known him that he actually loves though so I’m sucking it up.

We miss him of course, but I quite enjoy the peace sometimes

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 16:01

So when he comes home physically knackered and cold to the bone, the last thing I’m going to do is direct him towards the ironing pile!

@Curlsandcurves

I do get it. But if you are also exhausted, who does the ironing?

2sandwhichesplease · 02/02/2019 16:06

Hi op. We will have 4 dc under 6 very soon! Dh works 6 to 7 days a week. At the moment it is 7 days a week. So I feel your pain. I also work from home supporting his business to cut costs and it is exhausting! No advice just sympathy!

Original poster

JUstme123456778 · 02/02/2019 16:40

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I totally see now that I am being unreasonable. It is what it is and I need to be patient.
We are trying to move out from a flat to a house so that’s why he’s working so ma y hours. Also he works for an online estate agent so he gets paid per instruction. He can work 100hrs a week but if he doesn’t instruct he doesn’t get paid.

I try and help too by doing some admin from home for him.

I think this is the norm while the kids are little so I need to come to terms with the situation.
💐😘

OP posts:

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/02/2019 16:49

Is he actually earning a decent amount from this work, or is there at least a realistic expectation that he will in the next year or two?

Because working for an online estate agency where he might not even get paid anything despite working 100 hours a week sounds unsustainable. Has he paid money for this business? What could he lose if he packed it in and did something else, what did he do before?

Does he at least earn NMW for the hours he puts in? 8-8, 6 days a week means he should be earning over £2k pm even if only NMW, does he? Is he actually working all the time, or is he messing about online too?

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