2.5 year old keen with strangers

[teapotter1]

So my 2.5 year old is completely fine with strangers in these scenarios

We had a plumber over and she was perfectly fine to follow them and talk to them as soon as they came over

She was fine over at a friends house she's never been to before and just walked in herself and made herself at home

And at another friends house she was running about back and forwards to the toilet

Is this just confidence or is there something there? I'm very shy and as a toddler I was told I'd never go near anyone so maybe I see this as much worse than it is

Thanks in advance

It’s unusual. I know as a social worker over familiarity is one of the things we are meant to look for, but that usually in relation to chaotic home life or abused. If there’s nothing in her history to cause concern I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Huh? So kids are supposed to be scared of strangers? I’d say plenty of kids are innocent enough not to be scared of other people. My 3 yr old would talk to anyone, always would. What do you mean by ‘is there something there?’

That trait alone is nothing to worry about really. Is there anything else about her behaviour that is giving you cause for concern?

She has her dm with her. Why would she be worried??

She also done it when she was with my mum being keen with people she'd never met before

Her home life is great and I teach her to be aware of strangers and not to talk to them I'm worrying she doesn't take this in and it could just be how different she is to me.

The plumber was in your house, you had let him in so she wasnt worried, the other occasions you took her to these houses so she felt safe. It's all part of them growing up. She feels safe when you have introduced her to new scenarios.

Sounds fine to me. You have effectively introduced her to these people and she trusts you. It's good not to be shy. Also she's 2.5 so there is only so much you can do to get a nuanced response to 'strangers'

I'd say she is a safe happy 3 year old! Not all small children are shy or nervous of strangers... mine certainly weren't!

I'm a bit more concerned about your anxiety..and whether you are trying to pass it on to your little girl.. there is plenty enough time to have a sensible awareness of stranger danger but a three year old is too young. If she is with you or your Mum she SHOULD feel safe enough to be happy around others if she is a naturally confident child!

DS was exactly like this and it totally freaked me out. He'd make friends with kids at the park and try and follow them home! He once befriended this woman whilst we were on a walk and he ended up holding her hand and bringing her with us!

I hated it and felt so uncomfortable - the thing is people just thought it was so cute. It stopped when he was around 3.5 (thank god)

There's an Irish saying something along the lines of there are no strangers, only friends you have yet to make. This was my dd completely and she just treated everyone as her mate until I advised differently. She hugged people in shops, kissed waiting staff, chatted to anyone. I loved her sunshiney-ness!

DD was like this and will still at 12 happily talk to new people. It's the kind of family we are. There's a world of difference though, between being confident and walking off with a stranger - I've drummed the rules into her!

At this age they should be closely supervised anyway. So SAFELY exploring the world including the people in it is fine.

As an aside, experts in the field are now starting to say that "stranger danger" ads etc did more harm than good as children AND adults became too complacent about the REAL threats which tend to come from people who insinuate themselves into your life/family.

Just look at the news reports regarding abuse/child murders - in most cases the perpetrator is someone known to the child, even the family, someone the parents trusted.

That's why the focus now is on bodily autonomy and recognising if people close to the child are too controlling or possessive or are trying to overstep boundaries without necessarily doing something obviously abusive, Eg tickling or lightly "tapping" them on the bum

I'm a survivor of csa and I never focused on stranger danger (it was touched on as its a possibility but very rare), I focused on bodily autonomy, safe behaviour, boundaries and listening to my dd if there was someone she WASN'T keen on (children are far better at listening to their instincts than many adults).

You're not wrong to be vigilant and encourage safe behaviour but part of teaching them who not to trust is letting them know when they have it right in who they do trust.

My DS is very chatty and confident. Always has been. He’s not the child you can say “ok I’m leaving”. If you walk off he won’t follow. There is absolutely no bluffing him. Compared to my eldest DD who is like Velcro to me. I think it’s just different personalities, and certainly keeps life interesting.

It just means you have to be hyper vigilant with them. Always watch. Educate frequently on safety. I would dress DS in bright fluro T-shirt’s and shorts so if I did momentarily lose track of him he was easy to spot.

He’s nearly 9. It does get easier but I wouldn’t say I relax around him.

Don't teach your child to be afraid of strangers. It's counterproductive. Teach her that her body is hers, there are private areas, to tell if she feels uncomfortable etc.

DD was like this. She was 'fast approach' as opposed to 'slow approach' which is shyness. She's very confident and adaptable. All good. And not a sign of abuse It's a fairly consistent character trait over time.

2 of my 3 are/were like this. 1 has/is being investigated for ASD/ADHD, the other is neurotypical as far as we know. I was shy and an introvert so actually I've really struggled with how forward they are. But I think it's within the realms of normal, though parents of only shy kids will never understand. You need to seek out the other confident kids and befriend their parents.

My dd (now 8) is a poster child for extrovertism. Every stranger in the world is a friend she hasn’t met yet (and intends too!). Every time she discovers things in life designed around extroverts (music festivals, chances to perform, back-packing) she is over the moon with (loud) delight!

Even as a toddler her favourite thing was going to our local shopping strip. She knew everyone, and came home chock full of stories, food and gifts from shopkeepers and half the customers.

I’ve watched her walk along the beach (at 4yo), slip her hand into a young man’s and walk along chattering. He was surprised but pleased and went with it for about 30 metres. Then he snapped into reality and dropped her hand like a hot potato and looked around in a panic. I reassured him it was her MO and that he wasn’t going to get arrested.

I worried about it in general though, and sought advice on how best to guide her. So the two main things I was told are these: firstly as said by pp, Stranger Danger really isn’t the best protective strategy. Focus your teaching on her body autonomy (private areas, etc) and strategies for alerting safe adults if something makes her uncomfortable (you can define ‘uncomfortable’ differently as she gets older). There are loads of great resources online for this, with particular phrases to teach even tiny kids.

Secondly, which gave me great comfort, was this. Natural extroverts are actually really good at reading people. It’s their ‘thing’. They become expert very young. Better than older people who may be lesser extrovert or introverts. So their antennae are very sensitive, to personality (and personality change), to people being ‘off’ or secretive or deceptive. I was told not to confuse my dd’s friendliness for naïveté or stupidity. If anything, trust her ‘reading’ of people and support her in it (of course while being a careful parent who observes her interactions). It’s important to believe her if she takes an instant dislike to people, and not force her to be ‘polite’ or affectionate. Even if it’s embarrassing for you (like if it’s a family member or neighbour, etc).

In essence, see your dd’s open and friendly nature as a gift. She will likely have a rich life, many friends and do well at work. In the same way you’d have to give an introvert child the tools for dealing with a busy loud world, you’ll have to give your extrovert child tools for building her inner voice (look up ‘external locus of control’), using her intuition and remembering there are shy (and damaged) people in the world who will not appreciate her approach or who may take advantage of it.

You won’t have to practice ‘screaming for people’s attention’, on the upside, it’s their natural standby position!

BTW, the toilet thing you mention is a red herring, in my opinion. At that age it’s all about toilets.

She won't understand the plumber was different to a friend who has come over. He's a man you let in and spoke to so for her he's an interesting new person to investigate. Her being confident in a new environment like someone's house is a good thing. I don't think it's anything to worry about.

I do think teaching body is a good thing but I wouldn't throw stranger danger out. Children need to know not to walk off with strangers.

@Graphista why is ticking (assuming it's done respectfully) and tapping a child on the bum a sign of abuse? Those aren't things I generally think of as an issue.

Sounds fine to me, OP. It’s hard parenting a child who is very different in personality to yourself, but it doesn’t sound like anything to worry about.

Sorry to add anything after such a long post but wanted to add a heads up for you.

If you’re quite shy, and the parent of an extrovert, these things will be hard for you. Don’t make them harder by overthinking it, just accept it and plan for it and put firm boundaries in place for your own sanity.

-she will have more friendship ‘crises’ because she has more friends
-she will be accused of being bossy more often because if she’s in the top 1-5% of extroverts everyone will be less ‘enthusiastic’ than she is.
-she will be disciplined often by child-carers/teachers because her transgressions will be more obvious and they figure extroverts can take it better (that’s not true, they get deeply hurt)
-she will be chosen for more prominent roles (cos she looks so confident). That’s more driving/costumes for you.
-she will see the education system as social opportunity, rather than acedemic opportunity. Even at kindergarten.
-she will force you into more social interactions than you can imagine (parents of her mates, clubs, holidays, etc).

Don’t mean to imply it’s all negative- you can also deploy her to represent you in interactions you’d rather avoid. Mine is happily the answerer of phones for the whole family. Even call centres hang up on her eventually. And she chats to sales assistants so I can shop in peace! She gets us upgraded service all the time, and charmed a grandfather type on our last trip so much we all spent a lovely day on his huge glam boat on the bay!

"Graphista why is ticking (assuming it's done respectfully) and tapping a child on the bum a sign of abuse? Those aren't things I generally think of as an issue" by themselves they aren't necessarily, but abusers can and do use such "innocuous" actions in order to begin to break down boundaries, establish their touching the child as "harmless" even if the child doesn't like it "cos I'm only playing it's fun", portray to the child that their parent gives "permission" for this person to touch them possibly in inappropriate ways/places, regardless of how the child feels.

There's a thread running/I've posted on elsewhere where a very controlling bordering on aggressive fil/grandfather who's been trampling on the child's boundaries all their life, tickles the child against their wishes even when the child and the PARENTS are telling him to stop, forcing "goodbye kisses" on the child, and it got to the point where he was TELLING the parents he was going to be collecting the child from school to take to his house where they'd be alone with no other adult to even rein him in even if he was "just" not listening to her dislike of his actions. The child is very reluctant to spend time with him etc

Basically it's part of a picture. One adult might tickle a child and its genuinely caring and in fun and they stop as soon as asked. Another uses it to trample on boundaries and as an excuse to "accidentally" touch in inappropriate places because the child is naturally wriggling around in a physiological response.

Tapping the bum - again depends on the adult, most adults that aren't very close to a child won't even do this now anyway in case it's misconstrued, less savoury types will do it frequently as a "joke" again it's a way to start breaking down boundaries and touch inappropriately in a way it's difficult to call them out on.

For those lucky enough not to have experienced this type of abuse I have found they often think abusers go from 0-60, well of course they don't because it'd be too obvious, people's guards would be up and they wouldn't then have access to their target. Instead it starts with light, "fun" actions, occasionally then more frequently, then more forcefully etc

That's why teaching - and enforcing by standing up to adults who don't agree, don't "get it" or possibly worse - bodily autonomy is so important.

Thank you all for the replies! I think my worrying is just because she's so different to me, I never spoke a word a nursery etc

Yeah I teach her about her body being hers etc.

Thanks again it's really put my mind at rest x