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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about baby surname change

20 replies

Seabiscuit1 · 01/02/2019 23:38

I have split up from me 8 month old DD’s father. She currently has his surname. He really does not have much to do with her. Sees her once or twice a month. He asks about her and for photos but it all seems fake.
He left me when I was 35 weeks pregnant but I desperately clung on to what I could as I wanted DD to have a father and a family. He has pushed me to far now though and he is no longer welcome in my home. I will never stop him seeing DD. There is no violence or anything awful. Just a lack of care and ridiculous selfishness.
I want to change my daughter’s surname to mine. I know it’s not a huge deal but it is important to me. She is my daughter. I am raising her and taking all financial responsibly.
Has anyway successfully done this through the court without the father’s permission? He said he would agree but given recent events I know he will fight is out of spite.

OP posts:
CowesTwo · 01/02/2019 23:40

Is he named on the birth certificate?

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 01/02/2019 23:42

He is yes. At the time I was desperate for us still to be a family so i thought it was best. It is still best that he is on there but I now feel like we don’t need a life long reminder of him.

OP posts:
iVampire · 01/02/2019 23:48

It is very unlikely you will be able to change her name without his consent.

She is his DD too, even though he is currently begaving badly, and he has PR just as you do

Rtmhwales · 01/02/2019 23:50

My friend had the same situation but her ex refused to consent. She took it to court, it cost quite a bit, and the best they'd offer her was a double barreled surname for the child with both their names reflected.

Might be worth sweetening him up and asking him to sign.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 01/02/2019 23:56

I do entirely understand that he is her parent too. Trust me, I have given him ever single opportunity to be there for her.
He was meant to be here tonight but has got pissed instead. Leaving me waiting around and keeping DD up as I was meant to be picking him up from the station. Minor, yes, but it’s constant. I have been back at work since she was 12 weeks as due to him leaving I couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage so I really need a break and for him to actually be a father.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 02/02/2019 00:03

sorry i dont have any experience but would suggest from what a pp said that double barrelled is better than nothing. In reality then if her dad turns out to be flaky she can just use your name in normal life. She might then choose to have it legally changed as an adult.
sorry for your shitty ex.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 02/02/2019 00:07

as a teacher if someone is called smith-jones but we are told by mum she just uses smith (and dad is no refuting it) then we will use smith and jones gets resigned to history so could you do this?

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 02/02/2019 00:11

I could cope with double barrelled. She actually has my surname as one of her middle names so it wouldn’t be much of a change. I know it sounds so petty but I just don’t want to have a constant reminder for either of us! We will be just fine without him

OP posts:
shpoot · 02/02/2019 00:51

You need to start putting her first as well. You don't have a relationship with him so why on earth are you giving him all of this?

Keeping a baby awake to pick him up from the station?

The name changing sounds like a reflex from you. A response to him not turning up tonight. Smacks of baby in the middle. Just forget him and move on.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 02/02/2019 01:01

Shpoot- I can assure you that I am putting her first. You have no idea what I have been through so don’t you dare judge me. I have have had change my whole life since he left and i have put everything i have into making sure she has a good life.
Keeping her up was at 6.30 when I was to pick him up. She was in bed by 7 as always.
It’s not a reflex. I am pissed off for my daughters sake. Frankly I would rather he didn’t exist but biology.
Don’t judge when you don’t have a clue. My daughter is my world

OP posts:
Monty27 · 02/02/2019 01:08

You'd have to do it with his agreement.
I took ex dhs surname when we got married.
When we split with 2 young DC's I changed the pronunciation as I still wanted us all to have the same name but not entirely his. They're in 20's now and still use the old pronunciation. They adore their df even though they recognise what a twat he was and still is. It's their birth names.
Not sure if that's in anyway helpful. Confused

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 02/02/2019 01:15

I think if I had taken his name it would be a little different though I entirely see where you are coming from. I don’t want to cut him out from her life. It’s just that so far I am the only parent so I bitterly regret that she has his name when he isn’t making any effort to be her father.
I don’t really want to her to have to question it when she is older. I know he won’t ever be a part of her life. He has made that very clear. If that changes then great. But at the moment it’s just me and her and we are doing fantastically.

OP posts:
NineInchSnail · 02/02/2019 01:31

You can't change her name without his agreement. But you could change your name to match hers- if that's what's bothering you. you don't need anybody's permission for that.

Hugglessnuggles · 02/02/2019 02:48

But you said she has already got your surname as a middle name? So I don’t see the problem.

Doyoumind · 02/02/2019 03:50

You can have a name she uses but her official and legal name can't be changed until she's an adult without her father's consent.

llangennith · 02/02/2019 10:08

Seabiscuit1 I think you need to think hard about what exactly you want for you and your daughter in the future. Reading through all your posts you don't really seem to know. You cannot force your ex to co-parent and you seem to be wasting a lot of your time and headspace trying to make it happen. What you can do is strive to be a great mother to your daughter.
Regarding the name, just drop his name and use her middle name as the surname.

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2019 10:11

Why on earth did you give her his surname?

DuploRelatedInjury · 02/02/2019 10:21

You'd need his consent for an official name change. You can use your surname for non-official things - school systems will allow for a legal name and a known as name, and will use the known as name day to day.

shpoot · 02/02/2019 10:48

OP you asked to be judged as to whether you are BU or not. And you seem very clouded by whatever feelings (good or bad) you have towards him.

I agree with llangennith who obviously worded it better than me. You don't seem to know what you want and then the baby ends up in the middle of it.

ladyme · 02/02/2019 14:06

An alternative is to just keep the name, but register at school and stuff in your name and let her choose when she's older. People will say you can't do this, but you can.

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