AIBU to think you can separate and still live in the same house?

[Mydietstartstomorrow]

Just this really. Interested to hear others views/experiences. Looking like marital breakdown, atm can't see much chance of sorting out, dh (Don't even want to call him "dh"!) Doesn't want to listen to my concerns/issues with our relationship, doesn't feel anything needs to change except my nagging and I've had enough. Following previous rows he's refused to leave and states it's his house too. House in both names, I have child, not his. Financially would be very tight paying all the mortgage on my own but am prepared to do it if he would go. We have 2 lounge areas we could use separately if need be. Just wondered how others have managed?

Well what if either of you met someone else? Would be awfully awkward.

We did it for 9 months between separating and our divorce being finalised. It was living hell, but unavoidable. The only thing that made it bearable was knowing it would end. And I was reasonably lucky in that we were at least amicable around the children.

It doesn't sound like you have agreed to separate but continue to live together - it sounds like he's in total denial, which will only be made worse if you continue to live together.

I have several friends couples who did this out for up to 12 months each while selling the house but I wouldn't say it was easy for them, they had big places easier to be apart. One couple in particular sounds like your situ with the DH in denial ( even though he'd had an affair) and they all say the same thing - it was bearable only because there was an end in sight. Sounds like you need to see a mediator and start sorting out separating and selling. You say you can pay the mortgage on your own if he moves out but can you buy him out? Give him the equity and enough money for his own place?
Does he have parental responsibility for DC? Will he have shared custody? Mediator will be focused on you providing homes for DC and fair sharing of marital assets. You might be better off agreeing to sell house now and finding a two bed smaller place for your and DC now. What won't happen is you get house while DH gets nothing.

It depends on the couple, my cousin and her exdh share a home, they're both respectful and easy going people, had a mutual split, they have no DC, many pets.

My Dsis OTOH is constantly splitting with her abusive manipulative control prat but staying under the same roof, they fight it out separate and get back together, they used to really close, they have 2 DC who are really effected by it.

What do people do when they can't afford the mortgage, on their own? Or can't afford to buy the Dh out?

Big mistake. It is not fair to put children through the atmosphere of living like this. You need it tied up neatly.

Oblomov19 - they sell and get two smaller places in my experience. Or sell and rent. There is an agreement that can be put in place to prevent children being left without a home where one parent, who can't afford a new place on their own, ( usually mother) stays in family home with kids and ex moves out but still helps pay mortgage until the kids are 18, or slightly longer if in FT education and living at home.
But this is put in place VERY rarely by court/mediators etc. as it means that when the kids are old enough the house gets sold and you have the mother then trying to find a place of her own at age whatever, maybe without enough equity from the house sale to buy somewhere new. And if this happens when you're in your 50's then it's harder to start over/get a mortgage.
Also - if your circumstances change, you get a new partner get married etc. then the house gets sold so ex-partner can have their share.
It's probably better to just have a clean break.

I'm not expecting him to walk away with nothing and me keep the house but due to being tied into the mortgage until next summer we can't really sell until then. No PR and no real interest in being a proper step parent (one of the many issues). Yes definitely in denial despite me spelling out how I feel, doesn't see the point in trying counselling as he thinks he's right and I'm wrong!

Did it for a year with my ex while we were finishing renovations and selling. Really not fun, even though we had a reasonably amicable split. We both also met other people in that time and it just made it very awkward. It is doable in the short term, but I wouldn't want to live like that for the foreseeable.

Sounds like you just need to tell him it's over and involve a mediator asap to start dividing assets, pensions etc. If you think he's going to be difficult then Start gathering up financial evidence now, both of your savings, income, pensions etc. will need to be divided and you don't want to have to go pay lawyers to force access to bank accts or pension statements.

Two of my friends have had to do this (unavoidably, and for a matter of years). In both cases I would say it was difficult for my friend's, but REALLY damaging to their children. However this was of course due to the arguing, sniping etc rather than the fact of sharing a house.

In one case the child is very resilient and has bounced back since moving out, but in the other case I believe his development and indeed his personality have been negatively affected (this will hopefully pass in due course).

I would aim to avoid this situation if at all possible.

Hideous. Do what you can to avoid this. You will ruin any chance of any sort of amicable divorce.

IMO

But if he won't move out what do I do? To rent somewhere would cost more than our current mortgage which is enough anyway. I work full time and not entitled to any kind of tax credits/universal credit. Ideally I'd like him to move out until we are in a position to sell the house but he's going to refuse, I know.

My parents did this. At first it wasn’t great. Lots of arguments. But they eventually worked out a system whereby they lead separate parealell lives. They didn’t talk much and it was ok. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant environment but they had no other option financially.

What do you mean you're tied into the mortgage until next summer?

Can you buy him out?

I am afraid the only thing that worked in getting my ex out was me buying him out ie MY name on the mortgage, so he was trespassing.

He hung around for a few months after the divorce was finalised, continued to fart arse around so the house re-mortgage was delayed and delayed.

I wouldn't. What if he brings someone home? You gonna be ok being able to hear them having sex? You OK to deal with the constant bitching and muttering from him?

We remortgaged and would have hefty redemption fees were we to sell now, I believe. No, no money to buy him out.
If we were to do this there would have to be rules! It would have to be respectful not only for us but mainly my son

I have been the child in this scenario and it was awful.

But if he won't move out what do I do?

You start divorce proceedings and mediation. So you have an end in sight.

Ok. So not a great idea. I'll seek legal advice next week. Thanks for input/advice

Good luck OP. Get a good solicitor. The Divorce/Separation board was a great source of advice and support for me (as well as the Legal board).

XH and I managed for about a week. It didn’t help that our home was very small, but it was awful. We were renting. I wanted him to move because he couldn’t afford the place on his own anyway so it seemed ridiculous to give up the unit by both of us moving. It got so bad that one night I just stayed late at work looking for a new place to rent. We weren’t even fighting. The relationship just got creepy and frankly I was kind of afraid to sleep in the same
Place anymore. Turns out he had come to his senses and moved out during the day. He stayed with family for a few weeks and then got his own place.

I house share with my ex but we did live apart for a few years after we split, we both wanted to spend more time with the kids and were struggling to afford two separate homes. It works (ish) for us, we rented a big house so we all had our own space, the kids had the benefit of having us both around. We have been sharing for 7 years now and he has become one of my best mates.
However, in your circumstances I'm not sure it would work, it sounds pretty acrimonious and I can see resentment building fast. We made some pretty strict ground rules regarding seeing other people - we don't bring anyone home ever! We decided that the kids were more important. It's not ideal and it's not something you can be forced into
Best of luck with whatever you decide

I did it for six months. It was fine. I could have continued that way, but he couldn't get a girlfriend while living with his ex