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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you had PND how long does it last and what helped it go away?

22 replies

Seline · 01/02/2019 08:30

Just that. I'm slowly becoming aware that this is whats happening. I don't like SSRIs and CBT doesn't work for me. What can I do at home to get rid of it?

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DuffBeer · 01/02/2019 11:06

I couldn't handle anti depressants either. The side effects were just too much and I didn't have enough strength to get through it.

What helped for me was : going back to work (SAHM for 3 yrs), child starting nursery aged 2.5 which coincided with them sleeping through the night, husbands work shifts became more realistic hence I got more time to myself, listened to music, plenty of fresh air, talking to any sympathetic friends or family who would lend an ear (although this was hard as I'm a private person)

Sorry you're going through this. How old is your baby?

Seline · 01/02/2019 11:28

They are 14 weeks. Thank you for replying. I had been wondering if it would wear off as we can get out more rather than being stuck inside

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SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 01/02/2019 11:35

I had anti depressants for my Pnd,it lasted around a year for me

DuffBeer · 01/02/2019 12:27

Bless you, it's so hard but it's impossible to say how long it will last as everyone's circumstances are different. Are you BF and getting enough help from your husband/partner?

Your baby is still so young and it can be so isolating, plus the weather is crap. Hopefully you will feel your mood lift when spring rolls around as I always find that sunlight helps me massively

M3lon · 01/02/2019 12:35

OP Sorry to hear you are suffering. What does 'CBT doesn't work for me' mean to you? Can you explain why you think that?

I ask because I had three rounds of CBT, before hooking up with the right therapist who turned things around for me in a matter of weeks.

Not all CBT is based on the same principles, not all therapists will find the right way to convey to you what is needed, not all therapist will be able to navigate the individual complexities you bring with you.

Please don't decide the whole methodology is a bust on the basis of one two or even three experiences.

Poppyfr33 · 01/02/2019 12:47

I took anti depressants, which took the edge off my feelings. I was obsessively tidy (not normal), did go out everyday with baby in pram and walked miles, went to mother and baby group locally and that helped lots as talking to other mums made me feel normal for a while. I would say I finally was back to my normal self when DC was 2 years old. It was baby steps.

Seline · 01/02/2019 12:49

I've had CBT since I was 12 as I have ADHD and anxiety but it's never helped me. My husband is usually supportive but the late couple of days he's been saying he's sick of me snapping at him and being miserable. Sad

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M3lon · 01/02/2019 12:59

CBT for depression really is a different thing...or at least it should be.

Unfortunately there are a lot of ...erm...substandard therapists out there.

How do you actually feel about yourself at the moment? What is your internal voice telling you about who you are at the moment?

Seline · 01/02/2019 13:08

I just feel like I'm doing a crap job of everything. Like someone's going to take the kids off me because I'm a crap mother. Like my kids will die because I didn't protect them. And I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed.

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M3lon · 01/02/2019 13:34

Is this your first child?

Having a baby is a massive massive shock to your self identity. You might have had a vague idea who you were before...you might have self-identified as being a competent worker, a good friend, a strong woman, a loving wife etc.

Then suddenly you get dumped with 'mother'. You have no experience, you don't know if you are any good at it. It might fit you as a concept, but it might not. You might find that struggling with 'mother' means you start to struggle with wife/friend/competent worker....

Suddenly it looks like your shit at everything. No place you can turn without feeling you are failing.

Then you maybe start to withdraw...because you aren't doing your kids/husband/work/friends any good so why inflict yourself on them. You are tired ALL THE FUCKING TIME and you don't have the energy to get out the house. And that's when things really start to feel bad....

I am of course telling you how I felt with PND....not how you are feeling!

So to answer your OP, two things turned it around for me.

Firstly my therapist explained that the urge to withdraw...to think...to understand and constantly replay the ways in which I was failing, was hurting me. It was making things far worse over time.

I was so desperate to feel better I was prepared to go against all my instinct and attempt to re-engage. To go talk with friends even though I was pretty sure they all hated me. To spend time with DD even though I thought she would be better off with me dead. To just do the things of the moment that I felt the urge to do....like 'I'd like a cup of tea'...don;t think about it, just do it. I'd like to go outside and lie in the snow...just do it...don't think about it. I re-learned how to say yes to myself. Over a few weeks this change in approach caused a change of behvaiour which led to a change in thinking and finally to massively improved mood.

The second thing was the 'Mother' guilt. I absolutely knew I had been a terrible mother....I had let down my child...I had not been there for her when I should have been...I had not loved her like I should have loved her...I had fucked up everything for her. (My DD was 3 by the time I got the help I needed).

Between me and my therapist, we laid out some actual facts of what I had done. He made me realise that going through the motions...feeding my baby, changing nappies, holding her while she cried...everything I had actually done, was not in fact 'letting her down' but doing the absolute best that could possibly be done by me in the face of the mental illness I was suffering. He turned every failure I perceived into a battle that I had had the bravery to fight when all I wanted to do was run away from it all.

So in conclusion after 3 therapists who told me to think positive thoughts and spend some me time...I got a therapist who changed the way I was reacting to my depression and who unpicked my personal history and recast it as something I could live with as opposed to something that was killing me.

Seline · 01/02/2019 13:50

They aren't my first babies but it was incredibly traumatic at birth. I didn't feel like this with DS1. What you describe is exactly how I feel.

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elliejjtiny · 01/02/2019 13:55

I've had it with all of my dc. Mostly went away after a year to 18 months. I've still got it at the moment and my youngest will be 5 in June. Anti depressants have helped a bit.

Seline · 01/02/2019 13:58

I also feel guilty for something I did to DD. when she was a few days old I was told she would likely die and they couldn't do anything. It absolutely crushed me and as a result I couldn't see her. I would go and hold her hand, ask how she was doing and if she was comfortable and if they had changed the prognosis and then I would go and be with my sons. Because every time I tried to stay with her I would just cry. So I shut it out.

I now feel incredibly guilty and like i abandoned DD when she needed me.

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Seline · 01/02/2019 13:58

(They're prem twins and were in NICU I didn't make that clear reading back)

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M3lon · 01/02/2019 18:15

OP that is classic depressive thinking about being with/abandoning your daughter.

The reality from where I sit (outside the depressive fog) is that in spite of finding it incredibly hard to be with her, you still regularly visited your DD, made physical contact with her and kept up with her care. You gave her everything you could - given that her needs HAD to be met by the medical team in NICU at the time. You then, through all the extraordinary pain and trauma of being told your DD would likely not make it, went and cared for your other children. From where I sit I can't even imagine being strong enough to do that.

You didn't abandon your DD at all. You left her in the hands of medical professional whose job it was to support her at that time and somehow managed to find the strength to care for your other children.

I know you won't be able to accept my version of history - because I've been there in the fog, and even when your head knows the truth, your heart can't accept it. But it is nonetheless true. When the fog clears for you, you too will realise that you did all you could in a horrible horrible situation, and you will not even need to forgive yourself, because you will realise you did nothing but the best for your children.

Charlie97 · 01/02/2019 18:18

(((((Hugs))))) I'm sorry you have had so much trauma and I'm sorry you're feel so low.

DuffBeer · 01/02/2019 19:15

Ok you have twins, I didn't realise from your post. That must be so hard for you, there is no wonder that you're snapping at your husband but his behaviour towards you is likely contributing to your PND.

Do you have any other family or fiends who could support you?

Dormouselike · 01/02/2019 19:51

OP I can't imagine how stressful the last few weeks must have been for you, and I think you are stronger than you believe yourself to be. I'm so sorry you feel this way Flowers

@M3lon you have described how I feel more accurately than I've been able to myself so far. Thank you. I'm a year into the fog and have a CBT session lined up for next week, having finally got someone to listen to me about how I'm feeling. Wish me luck.

Seline · 02/02/2019 09:54

M3lon thank you. I'm sometimes able to look at it like that but othertimes I feel like I let her down.

I think sleep deprivation is massively contributing to this. My mum offered to do the night last night and let me and DH sleep and I feel so much better. We've got reflux medication for DD now too so hopefully we may have some more uneventful night times.

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Mississippilessly · 02/02/2019 09:59

Seline I am struggling with 1. 3 children I including twins a d a really tough birth sounds savage.
Where are you? If you are close we could meet up? Sleep deprived people only really understand other sleep deprived people I think.

peachgreen · 02/02/2019 10:43

I hated SSRIs too before I had PND. They'd never worked for me and the side effects were too great. But with PND they were a lifesaver. Literally. Within 3 weeks I was feeling a bit better and able to cope. I'd say within three months I was coping, and within six I was happy. Please consider trying them. They really work.

M3lon · 03/02/2019 11:41

dormouselike I do indeed wish you luck! Just remember that if you don't hit it off with the first person you meet, don't give up. Its a learning journey, so sometimes you get a bit from one person and another bit from another and then it snowballs together.

seline it is really promising that you are getting some time when reality is asserting itself. It makes it a lot easier to spot the lies generated by the depression and lack of sleep when you can get your head above the clouds now and then. Hopefully you'll get more and more time in the clear until you are back to yourself again.

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