When will I start to enjoy being a mum?

[Toastisfun]

Name changed.
I have a beautiful baby who is nearly 11months. I love him dearly but I am finding motherhood so difficult.
I went back to work 2 months ago and now work 5 and my DH works at home for 2 days in the week so we can manage childcare costs.
My DS has silent reflux and is generally very fussy and clingy, but when out of the house he is very laid back and chilled when in the company of others. I'm sick of the comments when out and about telling me how lucky I am that I have an easy baby. I no longer explain to them how DS can be as I'm just met with raised eyebrows and honestly, I know I just have to get on with it.
He is teething and not sleeping very well and this has been constant since he was 5 months.
I hate the fact that I no longer feel like I fit in at work. I no longer teach the same classes or subject and one of the things I enjoyed the most was taken over by management and they are refusing to let me continue it (think along the lines of an art club but won't say exactly as could be outing.)
I equally hate the fact that I am jealous that my mat cover has essentially become me/my role in school and I feel so over looked and discarded. I have been judged an outstanding teacher in every observation but I feel like I have to prove my value to them all over again.
I had a discussion with the head where they were shocked that I was considering a position in school that would be a promotion. Whilst he acknowledged I would be really suitable for the position he was shocked that I would be interested as, "I have a family to consider now."
I feel so resentful of the live I have right now. I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way and not enjoying the time I have with my DS.
I honestly think he would be better off without me. I don't know how to fix how I'm feeling.

This could have been me, 4 years ago. I know exactly how you feel - the momentous change, the relentless work, the fact that you don’t feel like you’re good enough at anything anymore. I felt like I had died.

Right now I’m heading out the door with my wonderful 5 year old, who is full of fascinating questions and conversation and independence. And I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy. Work and life are back on track - it was a big adjustment but I did it and I feel like the old me again

I have to take him to school but didn’t want to read and run. Please know you’re not alone, it is so so so hard. But it WILL get better

(I will come bacj later)

Sounds like you might be depressed

Post natal depression can occur any time in babies first year.

How would you feel about seeing a GP?

It WILL get better. Your son is lucky to have you, you sound like you work hard and are trying your absolute best.

I’m not depressed and I don’t find it enjoyable at all. Mine are 6, 4, 3 and 1. But it is worthwhile. I can see the 6 and 4 yr old are a walk in the park so maybe when your youngest is 4, life gets a bit more enjoyable.

I’m not surprised you feel low OP - that’s outright pregnancy discrimination by the Head. It’s obviously up to you but I would be considering a complaint about that.

Thank you so much for your support.
@thatwasfast I have booked appointment but it's not for another 3 weeks. I just don't feel like me or anything really.

@grapes I felt like I had died this.
But thank you for sharing. Your DS sounds lovely and it's so positive to hear that things get better.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to hate some stages/phases. It doesn’t make you a bad parent or a bad person at all. No one really loves every minute of having kids and some phases are not your forte or just objectively suck. But the good news is that they keep growing and changing and any one phase doesn’t last long in the grand scheme. He will grow out of reflux, he will stop being clingy and overwhelming, and he will turn into a awesome mini-person.... and sooner than you think.

Also your work environment sounds a bit crap. Maybe think about a fresh start when you’re ready.

2.5 years old was a turning point for me, I was so much happier when DD could converse.

Please speak to your union about how you have been treated by the school.
I’d raise a series of grievances but that’s just me. I think it puts a line in the sand. It also, when effective, allows better communication which maybe the senior management team are missing.

I’m sorry to hear about your son. People are so bloody judgy and think a snapshot is a whole picture.
You sound like you’re having a really tough time. I’m so sorry to hear that.

Oh op, I felt exactly the same. I felt hopeless at home, pushed out at work and like my life was over. I had PND which was diagnosed at around 4 months. I was constantly exhausted and felt like I didn't even enjoy being a mum.
It will get better, things have changed for you and it's a hard thing to get your head around and I think there is a bit of a mourning period. I also saw the gp and took a low dose of anti depressants for around 18 months which really helped me. Eventually I started to feel better, also my lovely gp said that things get easier when your baby turns 1 because they just get easier to look after. She was right.
You can still do all the things you want to do, don't let anyone tell you otherwise but remember you don't have anything to prove.
I wouldn't rush into taking on more work unless you are sure you are able to deal with it. Do you think the art club issue was the management trying to help you by putting less pressure on you?
I am sure you are a great teacher and a good mum (even though you don't feel like it), not everyone enjoys it all the time that's normal.
All the things you are feeling are totally understandable. This shall pass.

Now my DD is 9 y.o. I can see that the first few years, for me personally, were not enjoyable but it did get better with each passing year. It does get so much better, just hang in there!

Also don't feel pressured to have another DC if it's not right for you, so many advantages to having one! My DD is happy and sociable.

You might need to change jobs to shake off the sense that you are the one who went on mat leave and are therefore somehow less credible. I changed jobs at around 18 months and got a lot more respect in my new role ( have moved twice again since but unrelated to child!)

I felt like this when my baby was 1yo and I had recently returned to work. Less than a year later I was so comfortable with my work/life balance delusional that we are now expecting our second child in a couple of months.
Hope things get easier for you OP!

Just to add. Your employer seems to be guilty of textbook sex discrimination. Your family life is nothing to do with what jobs you apply for. If this person has any say in whether you get that job, on the basis of that comment I’d say you had the basis for a claim. Obviously you wouldn’t want to do that, but maybe keep a diary of such comments and go through whatever complaints procedure is available to you.
Im fairly sure that you have also been discriminated against if your job on returning is not what it was when you left.
Maybe get some legal advice?
As for your DS crying and being unsettled so much around you, that is quite normal. His bond to you is so much more that he detects all your anxieties. My first child was EXACTLY the same! He had colic and slept little during the day. It was exhausting. Once I rushed him to hospital with a high temperature. He was crying so hard and for so long that in desperation the doctor was about to give a lumbar puncture to check for meningitis. Then my husband walks in, takes him from me. Silence. He stopped immediately. Hospital staff look sheepish.
I enjoyed very little of either my DCs babyhood tbh, but then I didn’t really expect to. Remember this. It WILL CHANGE. It will pass. You have many years of wonderful, joyful moments ahead of you. It might be sh*t now, but that will pass.

I felt like this.

I felt I was rubbish at work - couldn't put in the long hours anymore, was exhausted, felt judged as my work wasn't as good as before;

I felt I was a rubbish mum (DS1 had severe reflux until aged 5 years so did not fucking sleep. Ever)

I had no time for DH. i just struggled and cried. I no longer existed for myself either.

7 years down the line - I've changed jobs so I no longer feel that I'm being judged against who I was before having DC. I've a much better life-work balance. I still struggle with being a mum (I've got 2 now) but they tell me I'm the best mum in the world and that is a lot nicer to hear than a baby crying/being sick or even just gurgling at you.

For me it got better when DS1 was 5ish. DS2 was always much easier

I have just found it one long slog with no high points.

Hi OP

It sounds tough and like a lot of things are going on at once

Its OK not to like the baby stage. I'm going through it for the second time and feel bad for thinking I can't wait for her to be 2 (she is 1) as I found it so much nicer when they can communicate their needs and you can do stuff together that's fun for both of you like going to the library and a hot chocolate or trampolining or something. I feel bad wishing the time away but it did get much more fun for me at this stage

The reflux should clear up as he ages I believe? Have you been back to the doctor about it recently?

One thing that saved my sanity was sleep training, I felt like my life hadn't been taken over so much when I got my evenings back and a good night's sleep. I know it's not for everyone but made a massive difference to us. I personally think 11 months is a good age as well as once they get a bit older it's harder to break habits. Also at this age you know for sure they don't need food in the night. I guess if the refund is still bothering him it might get worse at night though so appreciate you might want to wait til this is sorted

It sounds like you have good support at home if your partner has changed hours and works from home sometimes etc

Your work promotion is their problem not yours. Saying things like 'you have a family now' is actually illegal so it's not an overreaction to be very angry at this. I found when I went back I did have to prove myself over a few months. But after they realised I would work hard and catch up at the weekend if I'd had to leave early realised do pickup it got much better after about 3 months and then they started talking about promotions etc. I'd talk to them again and ask if they would have said that to a man, and that although it's none of their concern what goes on at home, you have good support and still want to advance and progress in your career

If it's all getting on top of you it would be a good idea to see the GP as well.

It's so hard at this age, youre knackered, work hard and then come home to a cranky baby who is usually ill from nursery and knackered as well and wants to cling on to you while you are trying to make dinner

But it does get better. My 3 year old is now full of funny stories from nursery, comes in and plays while I do tea, then has a snack with us at the table so it feels like a family meal then plays or watches TV while we clear up then goes to bed really well while we have the evening to ourselves. It does feel relentless at the time but once its over you never give it a second thought

I have PMed you x