Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Another Hen Do One...

21 replies

ListenLinda · 31/01/2019 22:06

Hi all, just wanting some opinions before I make a decision.

My lovely cousin is getting married this year and her bridesmaid are organising the hen do. As it stands at the minute, it’s going to cost £300+ for the weekend and has excluded (as in not invited) most of one side of the family. Other family members on my side have also said no due to the cost.

After I declined, in part due to cost and i’ll be 6 weeks post almost definate C section, I asked if they were planning on doing something else local and cheaper, just a meal and drinks and was told no, there is the one meal that particular weekend.

My AIBU is am i unreasonable to be annoyed that no consideration has been given to one side of the family and no plans for a back up? I am debating asking the bridesmaids if we can organise something small but don’t want to step on anyones toes. Would you do this?

I dont want my cousin to think none of us can be arsed but we all have small kids and are feeling annoyed certain family members haven’t even been thought of. She was a bridesmaid for my own wedding and was amazing through out so of course I want to celebrate with her but don’t really know what to do.

Any ideas or thoughts?

OP posts:

Nojobistoobig · 31/01/2019 22:15

Could you take her out yourself for a pre-wedding lunch or afternoon tea? I would check with her before extending the invitation to those you feel she has left out in case there’s a reason you’re unaware of.

Drum2018 · 31/01/2019 22:17

I'd leave it. Assuming she knows the plan and cost of her hen weekend, she's clearly not considerate of everyone's financial/family situations, so let her off on her hen and just go and enjoy the wedding itself with the other cousins. I don't see the need to have a meal out before the big day.

OhDearHowSadNeverMind · 31/01/2019 22:18

I would take the view that the existing bridesmaids are not the mafia and do not have a monopoly on entertaining the bride - and that being the case I would definitely organise something more low-key, purse-friendly and local. Why not?

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 31/01/2019 22:21

My AIBU is am i unreasonable to be annoyed that no consideration has been given to one side of the family and no plans for a back up?

Yes, a little but I can understand where you are coming from.

I am debating asking the bridesmaids if we can organise something small but don’t want to step on anyones toes. Would you do this?

I think it’s fine to do that. Say to her that you can’t make it and want to celebrate with her so can you organise something else that is small for the two or you or is it ok to include anyone else who also can’t make the main event.

Original poster

ListenLinda · 31/01/2019 22:23

Drum2018 she knows nothing about it, her bridesmaids are planning it as a surprise.

So she won’t know why certain ones haven’t been thought of or why some of us aren’t there, probably until she gets there.

Which is why I wanted to ask if I could organise something smaller, but dont want her bridesmaids to feel put out or however it is.

If it makes any difference, I am also related to the bridesmaids but we are of different ages and lifestyles, so wouldnt know how to approach and probably why certain people have been excluded.

OP posts:

ItsMEhooray · 31/01/2019 22:28

Just plan it yourself.

Ethel80 · 31/01/2019 22:38

I'd just message them and explain how you have here that you and a few others can't make it, you thought you'd organise a local dinner or something but didn't want to tread on anyone's toes.

Hopefully they'll welcome the idea and maybe feel a bit guilty that their plans have excluded people the bride might want there.

Original poster

ListenLinda · 31/01/2019 22:46

I typed out a message and deleted it, as I hate confrontation. But I do think I should say something.

My Dsis said to not mention anything as the bridesmaids would just bitch, but I am torn between keeping the peace and wanting to tell my cousins they haven’t really given people a second thought.

OP posts:

Baconmaker · 31/01/2019 22:52

I think it's fine to say you'd love to organise something smaller close to home so you can wish your cousin well before her wedding. It can always be after the "real" hen night so you don't steal their thunder. Or frame it as a family pre wedding night out and don't involve the bridesmaids at all.

Handsfull13 · 31/01/2019 23:04

How big is the gap been the hen do and the wedding? Is there enough time for the hen do to happen then you can talk to your cousin and explain why some of you couldn't attend and would she like you to arrange something closer to home for those who missed out.

willstarttomorrow · 31/01/2019 23:20

I would expect whoever is in charge to be considerate in ensuring the people who attend are the people the bride wants there. Does your cousin expect a £300+ hen night or would she prefer a night with her nearest and dearest? Either way organise your own night and if you do not want to step on anyone's toes call it something else. In our friendship group we often have a 'name' apprecition day when we suprise the person just because we love them.

KC225 · 01/02/2019 06:02

I agree with the above poster, just arrange your own one. Don't call it a hen night. Call it a family send off and you can invite all the family members who couldn't make it to the hen night that way you don't thread on anyone's toes. If there are no overlaps, I don't see why there should be a problem.

CuppaSarah · 01/02/2019 06:10

When my sister organised my hen do, I was very specific about budget. A lot of people I wanted to include just did not have the spare income and including them was more important. Yet somehow she managed to ignore everything I asked and made it far to expensive and I was gutted. The poor thing felt obligated to find the money and it was just unfair on them and not even what I'd asked for. I regret letting her organise it as a surprise so much.

So I would definitely suggest organising a local meal for those that can't make it, there's every chance something similar could be happening here.

Ethel80 · 01/02/2019 08:56

@ListenLinda It doesn't have to be a confrontational message. Just keep it breezy and chatty.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/02/2019 09:04

I don't understand the modern concept of the chief bridesmaid organising hen dos these days. As an old gimmer it was always the bride (who knew everyone invited and knew what their budget was) who organised a night out - usually a meal out followed by a nightclub.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2019 09:13

Could you just approach the bride and say "you know your hen do will be around the time I give birth so I wondered if you fancied going out for a quiet meal with me before the wedding.

Then invite the family that has been excluded / can't afford it.

Original poster

ListenLinda · 01/02/2019 10:59

That is my plan :)

I just didn’t want to be seen as taking over. I wouldnt be in a posistion to do anything until after the main hen do so there would be no conflict of plans

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2019 11:27

So mention to cousin that you can't come cos of baby but you'll do something and agree a date. Tell "excluded" family the date. If you really want to, after hen do massive tell the bridesmaids. Don't ca it a HEN anything, just a quiet drink before she weds for those who couldn't make the hen do.

I semi organised my own in that I did all the invites. I knew what I wanted would exclude a lot of people Inc my sister so my sister organised a second quiet drink and meal for those who didn't fancy a night in the back packers hostel 😂 😂

Eliza9917 · 01/02/2019 14:33

The bridesmaids dgaf who they offend by not inviting or pricing people out.

I'd book a date and send an open invitation out to everyone with a note to say it's a small gathering for those that would like to celebrate with the bride but aren't able to attend the hen.

Miane · 01/02/2019 14:37

So many Hen Do problems come from things being a surprise for the bride that I don’t know why anyone allows it.

I would not want my bridesmaids to upset/offend/embarrass my family and friends.

Personally I’d have a very low key conversation with the bride explaining why you can’t come to the Hen and asking if she’d like to go out for a quiet meal/afternoon tea on another occasion.

mummmy2017 · 01/02/2019 14:40

Message the bridesmaids ..
Hi this is Linda, sorry I can't attend, but would love to help do an afternoon cream tea for all us mums nearby so we can wish the bride well .

Flip