To ask how you deal with your kids when they lie

[VeepVeep]

I've found out my 8 year old DS has lied about something. We gave him some warnings about his behaviour in class - too much chat - as he was being picked up on it too regularly by the teacher (through the class system for dealing with chat/bad behaviour etc).

We said we'd reward him with some extra tablet time if he could keep 'clean'.

He lied, got the tablet, but wasn't 'clean.'

I'm REALLY disappointed. I completely believed him. Completely. I was full of praise, really supportive. And he lied!

What sort of consequence would be reasonable? I really can't stand the idea of shitty lies. He's very smart, so has clearly worked out how to get what he wants. But I need to stamp it out.

Obviously, I also don't want to go overboard. He's 8.

TIA

It depends what it is??

I’d just say I’d rather you told me the truth next time and set out why. No need for punishment.

Sorry I completely skimmed that post and didn’t spot the reason 🤣🤣

Just remove the next tablet session.

I think the problem with lots of unrelated rewards and punishments is that kids just play the system - totally normal they all do it. He wasn't behaving well because he had any intrinsic motivation to do it he just wanted his tablet and it was much easier to lie. It's difficult though to extrinsically develop intrinsic motivation in a child

All kids will lie at some point but I emphasise to mine the idea of trust as currency that can be gained or lost. If you lie you lose trust and it means certain options won't be available to you. For example you can't have your tablet in your room because you're not trusted to get off it after a certain amount of time (or whatever works for your family).

I’d not let him have the tablet for twice the extra he got. First amount as pay back for what he shouldn’t of had and the second for lying.

For lies, I don't go with punishment at the moment. I go with massively disappointed and very sad. Lies are very few and far between and when I pull out my "I'm very disappointed" talk, my 7 year old is suitable ashamed and apologetic. He really gets that look where he knows he has done something wrong and lies barely ever happen.

I've no idea if the lies are far and few between!! I thought he was pretty honest, but clearly not.

I know playing the very disappointed card will wound him far more than any anger. I didn't display any anger when he told me. I just asked him to go back to bed.

But I'm upset!

Also make it clear that you are communicating with the teacher and won’t take his word for it.

@VaselinDion - I've already emailed her. That's a definite moving forward.

Lying is pretty normal, especially if it gets them out of an awkward situation or in line for a reward. Stressing the desirability of honesty and only giving rewards for behavior you have seen is all you can do at this point.

He lied to get tablet time? If so the tablet is gone for a while.

I give DD a chat about little lies meaning I can't trust her. If i can't trust her I can't allow her as much freedom (can't go as far out playing, can't be on youtube) And when someone tells a tale about her I can believe her, won't be the case if trust is gone.

Call him out on his lie and tell him that you can't offer more tablet time as a reward if you can't trust him to tell you the truth. (That's first round)
If you catch him out again, cancel tablet time. (... And make him think about 5 reasons why you should not be telling lies to your parents... emphasise the trust issue or how he would feel if you lie about something that is important to him.)

As others have said yes, obviously, he loses tablet time.

But I also think it's important that he learns the link between lying and trust. There's a relational cost to lying, not just a transactional one. He needs to feel how disappointed you are in him. Talk to him about he would feel if you broke a promise to him, for example. Explain that's how he's made you feel by lying to you.

It’s actually a smart developmental stage...learning to lie!

Sounds counter intuitive but a kid who can’t lie will have more problems than one who has learned to

Obviously you pick him up if you find he’s lying so he gets the balance right but don’t be overly concerned...we all do it!

This essay / book is excellent

archive.org/stream/pdfy-x4ByD3mMjIdTMC0H/Sam%20Harris%20Lying%20%281%29_djvu.txt

No more tablet for the rest of the week, 2 3 sessions whatever you think is reasonable.
Personally I come down like a tonne of bricks where lies are concerned.
I cannot abide liars, otherwise I'm pretty easy going so no reason to lie to avoid punishments or sanctions.
Also the 'I'm so disappointed in you' works wonders on my 9yo,as it always did with me as a kid.
Maybe talk him through the areas he's falling down at school, do role plays of better ways to handle distractions, how to get attention when he needs it without shouting out.
I do this every couple of weeks when he mentions things to me, he knows how to be a good boy and how he's expected to behave, being a 9yo boy it's not always so easy in the moment.
We just practise things to say, or ways of doing things that stay within the lines and get him what he needs without causing a fuss or getting anyone in trouble.

Thanks all