I’m not sure if I’m BU because I’m upset and feeling a bit fragile but I had my smear test booked for the morning and it’s something I have a real fear of because of a previous sexual assault. (I’ve had lots of therapy and it really doesn’t impact my everyday life anymore but with anything gynae related it’s still a massive trigger for panic attacks and my anxiety).
My last smear test the practice nurse was really lovely, I’d come ready with a note explaining why I was nervous, she read it and reassured me about it all and asked if there was anything she could do to make it easier and generally the process went really smoothly even when I started to panic. She was totally calm and talked me through it and the whole thing from me getting in the room to it being done was over in ten minutes.
So I wasn’t too fearful of attending for this one but when I booked in I noticed it was a with a different nurse but I assumed (wrongly) that it would be fine.
This time the nurse didn’t even get up from the desk when I knocked, just waved me in from where she was sitting and said “get undressed and pop up on the table”. There wasn’t even a screen to get undressed behind and I know they’re going to be seeing it anyway but it made me very uncomfortable that she was going to just stay there while I undressed in this massive room.
Before I did that though I went over and passed her the note and she sort of eye rolled at me but took it and waved me away so I decided to just suck it up and got ready and up on the couch and at this point my anxiety had really ramped up and I felt really sick.
She then came over (no mention of the note or anything) and asked me to sit with my hands under my bum (I can’t do this I need to have my hands free) and I explained why I couldn’t do that and she huffed and said “I’m just trying to make this as quick as possible for you” (which I do appreciate but the previous nurse had no problem with finding a position I was comfortable in).
When she pulled the tray over I really did feel like I was going to be sick so I just said “sorry, I can’t do this.” And jumped off the bed, put my clothes back on quickly.
The nurse looked so angry at me, and sighed and shook her head in an exasperated way and I just needed to get out then. I threw up in the toilets and just sat in my car and cried.
I know how important smear tests are and I’m so angry at myself that I could t go through with it but I just didn’t tryst her enough, she didn’t put me at ease at all and it was a really distressing experience. (I also know how stretched the NHS are and I’m feeling incredibly guilty over this being a wasted appointment.)
When I’m feeling better I’ll speak to and see if the other nurse is still there and try to book with her. But would I be unreasonable to mention it to the practice manager. Obviously I don’t want to get her in trouble, what if she was having an off day etc, but whole thing just caused me so much distress and I can’t stop crying. This kind of thing is such a huge hurdle for me and I’m devastated because I feel that the progress I made last time has just been completely trampled on.