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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send kids to their dad if they don’t want to go.

20 replies

Everytimeiseeher · 31/01/2019 08:37

My dc 15 and 13 have been fighting with each other when they are at their dads.
We split 5 years ago due to DV.
His court ordered contact is one evening after school until 9pm and a day visit at the weekend, which are a Sunday one week and a sat the next week.

They stay usually the previous evening to the weekend visit, this is not in the contact agreement but on arrangement with the DC direct to which I’m ok with.
He has told the DC that as a punishment for their behaviour he is not having them to stay at his anymore.
My eldest dc is saying that she doesn’t want to go see him this weekend.

He has been increasingly unreliable for these Sleepovers the last few weeks where the stay over has fallen on a Friday, he has swapped the last few Saturdays to the sundays. This causes me problems as I take shifts at work and need to organise this a week in advance.
My suspicions are he is seeing someone who has children staying at their dads on a Friday, so in order to see her he is dropping his kids. I was waiting to see what excuse he came up with this week tbh.

Wibu to let my daughter, and son if he wants to, not see him on Saturday and for me to stop all future stayovers?

OP posts:
Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 31/01/2019 11:14

Anyone?

OP posts:
Matilda1981 · 31/01/2019 11:15

In my opinion (and the court would take this view too) they are old enough now to decide what they want to do.

punishmepunisher · 31/01/2019 11:16

At their age I think contact is up to them.

Seline · 31/01/2019 11:17

They're old enough to choose.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 31/01/2019 11:20

My dc is 13 and we let him decide if he wants to go or not now.

HowardSpring · 31/01/2019 11:20

Whilst contact is up to them it is not quite as simple.

Their dad is introducing consequences for bad behaviour - you are undermining him.
You are enabling them to treat him as they wish. If they decided not to come home to you one day and he enabled that - would you be as accepting?

The kids come first. It is not about you "winning" - and you BOTH need to support the kids to develop a good relationship with both their parents.

girlywhirly · 31/01/2019 11:28

They are both old enough to decide for themselves. If being at their dad’s is unpleasant, they shouldn’t have to go. The contact is supposed to be for their benefit, their right to see him, but I think that just day visits would be better and if he does nothing with them and makes no effort they can reduce to the weekday after school and a half day at the weekend.

user139328237 · 31/01/2019 11:31

They are old enough to decide for themselves but if she did behave in a way that deserved a consequence it'd look bad for you to start now.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 31/01/2019 11:36

He is not a high calibre parent, he has been divorced on grounds of DV. If your kids don't want to see their dad and stay over that's probably to be encouraged. You know his ways, so it Friday/saturday night are date nights with new bird then suggest sunday lunch if that's convenient with you, or nothing. They'll reach out when they need him.

Monty27 · 31/01/2019 11:38

Don't force them. They know their own minds. He sounds awful. He probably wouldn't even fight it and couldn't care less about them.
This is what the DC's are being subjected to.

LemonBreeland · 31/01/2019 11:41

HowardSpring his consequences are to not allow them to sleep at his house. That is an appalling consequence and as the other parent I would happily undermine that.

I agree with those that have said they are old enough to make their own decisions.

adaline · 31/01/2019 11:45

Their dad is introducing consequences for bad behaviour

The consequence is not allowing them into his home - they're children! What would he do if he lived with them full-time? Ban them from the house? Make them sleep in the streets?

The only reason he can use that as a consequence is because they have another home to go to. I would quite happily undermine a father who thinks it's acceptable to tell his 13 and 15 year olds that they cannot stay at his home.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 31/01/2019 11:48

As soon as a child has the capacity to understand the situation, the court will allow them to make their own decision on contact. At 13 and 15, unless there are any underlying issues then contact is their choice. You will not get in any trouble for not forcing them to go.

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 11:51

They're old enough to choose. If they don't want to go then what can you do 🤷

I wouldn't worry too much, the court won't be bothered about this at their age of they've said they don't want to go.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 31/01/2019 11:55

What kind of parent says "I'm not spending time with you" as a consequence for shitty behaviour? It's not a consequence, it's washing your hands because you're too fucking lazy to parent and there's no way OP should be getting stick because of this.

GB54 · 31/01/2019 11:56

I agree with others, they’re old enough to choose.
My parents split when I was 13 and I never went for overnights, my siblings did but I didn’t want to.
He doesn’t sound like a good dad, I feel for your DC.

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 31/01/2019 11:56

I think the consequence of not allowing them to his home for bad behaviour is terrible and as the dc’s mother it’s the equivalent of me throwing f them on the street for the night.
He had the option last night of;

Keeping them inside (he let them both go and meet friends.
Taking away games consoles
Taking a way mobile phones/ social media contact with friends

The above is what I do as consequences for bad behaviour.

I don’t want the dc to sleepover again. Ever. I won’t twll him that though as he will say when they ask, that mum won’t let you stay, and it will suit him just fine as that’s exactly what he wants.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 11:58

Are they upset, speaking in anger, or are they really fed up with him. I would try to help them sort out what they would like and support them to talk to him about it.
The 15 year old is old enough to decide herself, the younger one should be helped to decide. It's a big decision to stop contact, but may be the right thing to do, just not in haste. They could have a break and come back to it, he sounds difficult

Singlenotsingle · 31/01/2019 11:58

They fight because they're bored, way from all their normal hangouts, gadgets and friends. Maybe it's time to let them decide if they want to go. The contact is supposed to be for their benefit, And if they're not benefitting, what's the point?

Teapot1984 · 31/01/2019 14:01

OP you're children are old enough to choose for themselves,my friends 2 daughters stop going to their dads at age 10 and 13 respectively as they were bored at their dads,he made no effort with them,he didn't interact with them and relied on electronic babysitters.

You're ex is picking and choosing when to be a parent to suit himself,it's wrong but unless he's a reasonable person who's open to discussion then there's no point disputing it with him.

Have a good chat with you're daughters about what they really want in this situation

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