To be scared of his reply

[beansontoastfortea]

So my ex husband is busy typing his message to me in response to me asking him if what he said to our dd 9 yesterday was a joke.

So as not to drip feed... he's a bit out of touch, doesn't hold back on what he thinks, has no problem telling me what he thinks of me and it's never ever positive.

I was happy to leave the relationship 8 years ago because he was abusive towards me and it was having my dd that encouraged me to finally leave.

Anyway he's been a good dad to dd, visits regular etc. We don't always see eye to eye and that's ok his words don't hurt me one iota but I do fear him in a way .

I will clean when he's coming and generally be careful not to do anything that will lead him to verbally abuse me in front of my dc

I am not a strong person and won't stand up for myself from fear of repercussions but I'm trying to make a change to stand up for myself this year so about ten mins ago I sent him a message to ask...

If yesterday he was joking with dd when he said dd was getting fat... I was so shocked at the time I said 'don't say that to her' admittedly in front of her and he said 'Youre the one making it a thing and look she is getting fat and it's not good'

I dropped it

But it's been playing on my mind all day.

I've not said any more about to dd because I am scared to make it a thing with her and I'm hoping she hasn't took what he's said on board. I fear if I mention it she will start thinking about it but she did say today ' look I think daddy's right look I am fat' and I just 'brushed her off' deliberately to play it down and said 'don't be silly of course you're not fat that is not fat!'

Anyway he's still typing (he types slow) but I'm scared of his reply and I don't know why. But no matter what, my next message will be 'joking or not, I don't think you should ever say those things to a young girl, it can be really harmful'

This won't go well. He hates it when I/women have an opinion. I remember once he said to dd not to do something with her hair because 'boys won't like it' (she was 7 at the time) and I nearly jumped down his throat then so I do intermittently stand up for dd when I have to as I don't want her to give a shit what the boys think... her df did drop that one as I don't think he could deny I had a point

I'm anxious awaiting his reply . I wish I was stronger. I think it's because I'm scared I'm in the wrong

I should add that dd is a healthy child and not fat in the slightest.

Even if she was I feel like he should take up any concerns about her weight with me and not her.

I'm so angry

No, not a clever thing for him to say at all. I would be furious also.

I would have went through him like a dose of salts. What a cf. He needs to really sort himself out. You are quite right to stand up for your daughter and it's high time you started sticking up for yourself. I would meet any criticism with an "ok then" and a laugh.

Why is he coming to your house, why do you feel the need to clean before he comes. Hand DD over on the doorstep in future.

I do do the 'ok whatever' and laugh because I know full well his opinions of me...

Yesterday I left the dishwasher stuff out even though he was coming so that was my First step and he did say to dd 'omg what is all this... when you get a house I don't ever want to see this mess in it, this is not ok' it was like 5 plates a few cups some cutlery... I just laughed it off and said whatever and told dd it's fine, my house is fine I have 3 dc and I'm working full time so it's not a palace but it's clean.

Although yesterday he did go up in the loft for me and scale the joists to mark out their position as I'm doing some diy and there's other things he does to help me out like that. I think he's just not tactile and he's very vocal with his opinions.

He just replied that.

He was teasing her but he did think she looked like she's put on weight but he doesn't think she's fat. He said that might not have been right to say that to her because he doesn't understand a female perspective and that I should have said in front of her that he shouldn't say that as I'm projecting my own insecurities on her and that next time to tell him I'm private'

I replied and said that 'yeah I will try next time but honestly I was shocked and wanted to tell her straight away that she's not fat.. Next time tell me in private if you have any concerns over dd appearance as it can be very damaging on her self esteem and confidence to say those things to her and even if she was fat he shouldn't be saying that her or anyone'

He said that was fair enough

So I think that went better than I expected

op you sound like you need to change your reaction to him..and to do that you need to change how YOU FEEL....ie not scared.
There are so many fearful words in your post!

He is not god, not the boss of you and not in charge of you.

Start really trying to change your attitude to him, stop cleaning it is your home, sod what he thinks /says.
Google grey rock....and practice not reacting with fear or anything at all, break his hold over you...he is nothing to you except your DDs biological father.

Yes, you know he was wrong to say your DD is fat, but he is a nasty bullying man,
this sort of talk over all sorts of issues, is sadly likely to get worse as she gets older and challenges him more.
To cope l think you need to work on your self esteem, and learn to stand your ground without being upset or scared.
I am sure you want to be a strong capable woman for your DD, and a good role model, so please find a way to tackle this.
Take up kick boxing or martial arts or have cognitive therapy to tackle your fear...remind yourself regularly what a pathetic little man he is!!

I'm glad. He sounds like a bit of a muppet. You don't have to be female to know it's not very kind to tell a child they are fat. I guess so long as he doesn't do it again that's the main thing. You might want to think about what you're going to say to her if she keeps worrying about her weight.

Thank you @Dragongirl10 I will look into that. I really do have low self esteem and scared to say boo to a goose. The thing is I'm noticing how this is coming across to the all my dc as very often I keep quiet when I know I should be standing up for myself. I don't want them to grow up thinking it's normal because it's not. I grew up with a narcissist mother and it was conditioned into me that I was always wrong! I was only right if I was agreeing with her. I moved out of home and into his home and spent a few years there being told everything I did was wrong so I think my fear of standing up for myself is because I think most likely I will be proved wrong... this sometimes leads to me 'bursting' out in a panicked way what I think which comes across badly and then of course I'm in the wrong because of how I reacted

Yeah I don't really know what to say to her about her weight as she has been worrying about how she's developing.

She's the tallest by a long way in her class, I was always the tallest and she's developing breast buds now and starting to care about how she looks... she's a beautiful inside and out.

He sounds like he sees a woman as something a man keeps to clean the house and please his eye. I feel sorry for him with attitudes like that, he’ll never truly have a fulfilling relationship.

Yesterday I left the dishwasher stuff out even though he was coming so that was my First step and he did say to dd 'omg what is all this... when you get a house I don't ever want to see this mess in it, this is not ok'

Tell him it's not his business and he can wait outside to pick DD up if he prefers.

Op try and find a way of getting comfortable with being 'wrong'!
firstly if you trust your instincts and consider what you are feeling, before you react, the chances are you are not wrong.

It is ok to get things wrong, we all do..often..but it is not his business to tell you you are wrong!
It seems your narcissistic mother has instilled a fear of being wrong and doubting yourself, you sound like a lovely mum, and have to believe in your opinions and stand up for them.

Try it..... the world will still turn...practice in the mirror saying what you want to but are afraid to, until it is no longer so difficult.

Oh OP! One day you're going find your "rarrrr" and that fucker won't know what has hit him!

I understand, I have narc mother (NC hurray!) and ropey self esteem but I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking terrifying when I need to be It took me a long time, I'm in my 40s.

Don't let him fuck with your poor girl's head, you have no reason to be afraid of his dumbass words, he is full of shit. I hate those awful weasly arseholes who find "power" from bullying partners or ex partners who are too scared to call them out. You are better than this!

Wtf does it matter what he thinks of your housework standards anyway? Twat!

I'd ask him to apologise to her for what he said and tell him to reassure her she's beautiful.

Thanks @SittingAround1 that's a really good point actually... I've made extra effort today to let her know how beautiful she is
@Dreamerstheyneverlearn I cannot wait to get my rarrr that would be awesome! It is in me I just have to find a way to let it out.

I find mumsnet helps me a lot as I see all these strong women with different opinions and I love that!

Next time he says anything to me that's critical I will just say 'there's the door, feel free to walk out of it'

He forgets I lived with him for 5 years and seen how lazy he is with washing up... he's definitely of the opinion women should keep quiet and keep the house while working full time. He never used to let me (and yep at the time it was let me) cook him anything from frozen, it had to be a meal from scratch every day, I was so sick of cooking by the time I left... it's kind of a running joke with my current DP as he would rather live off frozen pizza and pot noodle sandwiches 🙄 and doesn't really like anything I cook unless it's unhealthy ... can't win ;)

Why are you even waiting for his reply? Tell him what you think and then log off. Don't sit and wait for an idiot to send you an idiotic message.