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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at BOTH DM & DP?

23 replies

nameschange · 30/01/2019 19:40

Not sure if I should be annoyed at both, one of them, or neither because I'm just being petty.

I have a night out on Saturday for a friends birthday. I've had a few more than usual recently - but overall, a rare occurrence.

Some relevant back information-
DP doesn't like it when I go for a night out. He doesn't have to say it in them words. He doesn't necessarily make it difficult for me to or try and control me, but when I tell him I've got a night out planned, things just get kind of tense and he's in a bit of an off mood when it's brought up. He admits he's insecure and it's not my fault.

DM refers to herself as a 'free spirit'. She usually has DS once a week or every other week. It's up to her when, she has no obligation to have him to stay, I'm aware of that, but recently she's been 'working on herself' and she's barely been seeing DS, doesn't want to take him out, doesn't want him staying, which is her entitlement but a bit of an adjustment for him.

Also DS has been awful for sleeping and crying at the minute due to teething so both DP and I are absolutely exhausted.

So, the original plan for the night out was DP would stay home with DS. He clearly wasn't happy but I tried to just not care as I'm very excited for the weekend.
Then DM gets in contact a couple of days ago and drops into conversation that she's happy to have DS on Saturday.
I tell DP and he says that's great, and that he's just going to have a chilled night on his own and he's happy he gets a night off too from the constant crying this week.
DM then says today that she doesn't actually want DS on Saturday, she was just saying that so I could have a rest, but if I'm going out, then there's no point because then everybody would me having a rest (me and DP) but her and she wants time to herself.
DP said 'is that a joke?' when I told him and has been in a clear mood for the rest of the night, clearly because he'll be in all night with a whiney toddler while I'm out (which is tough luck when you're a parent, I'm alone doing it at night sometimes too!)

So the question is, AIBU to be annoyed at both? I'm just so excited for a rare night out and I'm just feeling complete pressure about it.
I'm clearly annoyed at DP for the tense environment and the fact that at this point, I wouldn't put it past him to call and say DS needs me and I need to go home.
But I'm also annoyed at DM for being so flaky - saying she'll have DS and then changing her mind, not seeing him often, not taking him out for some time with her. I get that it's her entitlement as it's not her responsibility, but still!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2019 19:47

Your partner is controlling. Making an atmosphere about you going out is abusive. He doesn't want to take care of his child either. He's sounding like a shitbag.

Your mum shouldn't have reneged on her promise but your child shouldn't be going to her when his father can and should be taking care of him.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/01/2019 19:52

He doesn't necessarily make it difficult for me to or try and control me, but when I tell him I've got a night out planned, things just get kind of tense and he's in a bit of an off mood when it's brought up. He admits he's insecure and it's not my fault.

I wouldn't put it past him to call and say DS needs me and I need to go home.
I disagree that your DP isn't trying to control you.
Your DM has done her childrearing. Your DP on the other hand...

Houseonahill · 30/01/2019 20:06

So he doesn't actually say he doesn't want you to go out he just sulks and moans until you don't and if you do ignore his sulks he then calls you with a lame excuse and uses guilt to make you come home?

That is controlling and a slippery slope, I have been there and it creeps up on you until you suddenly realise you don't go out or do anything because that is easier than dealing with a man child. Don't be like me OP. Go out and enjoy yourself and ignore his guilt trips, he is perfectly capable of looking after your toddler without you.

(Your mum hasn't really done anything wrong though)

Original poster

nameschange · 30/01/2019 20:10

@Houseonahill thank you.

I didn't mean that he intentionally makes it uncomfortable or awkward or sulks or anything. It's just I know him very well and I can tell the change in his mood when I bring up a night out, even when he's trying to hide it. It comes from insecurity and distrust which obviously isn't okay or healthy in a relationship, so I do agree with PP's to some extent.

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 30/01/2019 20:13

You have every right to be annoyed with DH

lalalalyra · 30/01/2019 20:33

Your Mum was unfair to offer to have him then change her mind. That said maybe she's hacked off that her daughter can't have a night out without her SIL being a twat about it.

Huffing and puffing and making you feel bad is controlling. It's at least taking the edge off of your night, if not a deliberate ploy to try and get you to cancel. The lame excuse comment shows that he does not want you going out.

Why is he insecure and distrustful? Is is because of something you did, something he did or something a previous partner did?

Original poster

nameschange · 30/01/2019 20:42

@lalalalyra not sure why he's so distrustful. Nothing I did, nothing he's done. His previous partner wasn't perfect but they were very young and wouldn't even count it as serious. I think he's just generally very insecure as a person. It doesn't make it okay to put that on me though, which even if he feels like isn't, he is in this situation!

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 30/01/2019 20:47

Of course it's intentional. It's absolutely disgusting, wherever it comes from.

PatricksRum · 30/01/2019 20:53

How old is DC?

Original poster

nameschange · 30/01/2019 20:54

@PatricksRum 2.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 30/01/2019 21:40

That's why I was asking. There's a difference between "My partner is distrustful for no reason" and "I've cheated a dozen times so he gets twitchy when I'm out".

He's completely out of order. He's deliberately trying to spoil your night to make himself feel better. It's rude and controlling.

Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with it, but I wouldn't. And it's understandable why your Mum isn't particularly forthcoming to babysit when he's such an arse to you.

Claudia1980 · 31/01/2019 00:33

Why isn’t he happy for you to go and have a nice night? He sounds like a petulant child who is controlling and emotionally abusive. That sort of neediness is such a turn off. My friends husband is like this. Can’t stand it.

RupaulsGagRace · 31/01/2019 01:20

Yabvvu thinking your DP is not controlling. He is.

Let him stay in a mood. He can act like a child if he wants. Dont pander to it. Dont get pissed off. Let him be a baby.

You go enjoy your night out.c

Motoko · 31/01/2019 01:42

Your partner uses being distrustful as an excuse to be moody with you, when you mention going out, to try to put you off going. It's also often projection, he's implying that you'd be unfaithful, because he either is, or wants to be.

He IS controlling, and this doesn't sound like a good relationship.

You can be annoyed at your mum. She offered to have DS, then went back on it, and because DS hasn't been seeing as much of her as he's used to, it's affecting him. He doesn't understand about your mum "trying to find herself" whatever that's supposed to mean. All he understands, is that his Nana, who he loves, isn't there for him much anymore. Poor kid, he's probably confused.

Have you spoken to your mum about how it's affecting him? If not, I think you should.

MitziK · 31/01/2019 01:59

You might not know, but mobile phones have a button to turn them off.

I'd use it and enjoy myself.

Deal with the whining in the morning.

Bahhhhhumbug · 31/01/2019 02:16

I don't understand your mum's reasoning that everybody would be having a rest except her. If you were staying in you'd still be having a break so what difference does it make to her that you're going out,?

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2019 02:21

I'd be cross with them both. your mum by offering and then reneging has created a bad atmosphere. But mostly I'd be angry at the partner who tries to control your fun, and who you think may try and call on your night out!

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 31/01/2019 03:02

Because why should OP’s mum look after the child to give her daughter a break when the child’s other parent can look after it Bahhhhhumbug? OP, your mum has done nothing wrong, your DP on the other hand sounds like a massive twat. Does he ever go out?

TigerQuoll · 31/01/2019 03:25

Get a babysitter...

rainbowstardrops · 31/01/2019 05:52

I'd be a bit miffed at your mum for taking back her offer but that's her perogative I suppose.
Your partner on the other hand is being a sulky child. Yeah, he's probably tired after a long, trying week but it's his son too!
Oh and if he calls you during the evening to come back you didn't hear your phone
What on earth could you do by coming back that he can't do himself?
I'm sure there are plenty of times when the parenting is left solely to you, so go and enjoy a well deserved rare night out

swingofthings · 31/01/2019 05:53

You say you're both exhausted and both crave an evening with the stress and tension of waiting for the moment you ds start crying and you have to look after him when all you are desperate for is to relax.

Go out and make the best of that free time. They are very important to recharge. However, your OH needs these too. You say you had a few more rence tly than normal. Has he had some evenings too.

How about saying you are very sorry your mum changed her mind and understand that it wa a blow as he was looking forward to a peaceful relaxing evening and suggest that he too has an evening for himself, out or at home. What you need to make sure is that neither let guilt ruin the evenings you do take for yourself otherwise it will stop you from properly relaxing and make them pointless. Be kind to yourself and each other. You are both going through a tough time. It will get easier but you both need to recognise that it's not a completion and both deserve a break at times.

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 06:13

Your partner's behaviour is awful. Why is it such a big deal for him to have his own child for a few hours? If he was a good partner he'd see that you almost never get a night out and he'd be happy to look after his son for a few hours so that you could have a break.

He's controlling towards you and he's resentful of looking after his own son. I'd be doing some thinking if I were you OP... You don't deserve this.

CantRainAllTheTime · 31/01/2019 06:21

Your DP was clearly looking forward to getting a break as well. Your mum is in the wrong to offer then retract, what if you or DP had told DS he was going to be staying with her?

The sulking and insecurity is not on however, so Yanbu to be cross with both.

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