To not want to be alone anymore?

[imabloodymess]

Ok, in well aware that I am about to be told i need to be happy before some can love me, but is that really true?

I know, as my user name suggests I have issues, bipolar, abusive marriage, some alcohol issues which I am working on and have been newly medicated.

Thing is I met a great guy before Xmas, I told him everything, he was understanding, caring, kind, called/texted daily then started getting weird because I was still on the dating website we met on (as was he) and that I was a woman so was blind to cheat. No matter what I said he wouldn't believe me so I left it.

Then he got in contact again, same thing happened. Then he called me and I was very upset as how he had treated me, poured my heart out and thought we had reached a common ground. He was supposed to come over Monday and by Friday i knew something was up. After a week of calls and texts he just went cold, turned off his phone and blocked me. I have now taken a massive nose dive back into my depression (after having another stress induced manic episode last week). He was lifting my mood and I genuinely felt better. So how do people live alone, and be happy? I am miserable, I've been alone 3 years, my abuisve ex gets a new gf and gets to be happy while I am left in pieces feeling no one will ever love me. I'm starting to think I'll be alone for ever because I may get slightly better but I'll never be cured. Men just think I'm crazy, I'm so upset and confused and feel like I need someone to lean on and some love in my life to help me get better, is that so wrong?!

Firstly, ypu disclosed a lot of personal information way too soon. Some Men will use it against you.

Secondly, he sounds as though he has his own issues.

I'm 50, my sex drive has gone since the Menopause.

I'm concentrating on things that make me happy. It's nice to not have to compromise.

I'm getting back into exercise this year, as well as healthy eating. Which gives a real focus.

It's about making goals and creating something to look forward to.

I'm starting a few Adult education courses, one in the Library. Which is out of my comfort zone at the moment, but will give me a lot of confidence if I do it.

My DD is starting Yoga for her anxiety.

f"eel like I need someone to lean on and some love in my life to help me get better,"

You've got to find your inner strength and also not expect someone else to cure you.

That's too much to put on to someone and doesn't make a healthy relationship.

I didn't mean to tell him I was bipolar, he was a nurse and saw my repeat prescription 🙄 if that was such a problem why lead me on two more times- I've obviously got gullible written in my forehead!

I want to be loved so much, my life feels meaningless without a partner. That's probably the problem, I ruined the one relationship I had and now I'm confused and upset and don't understand all the lies he told me. No one will ever love me because of all my problems and I don't blame them. I know I should be focusing on my kids, but they aren't here and I'm just sitting around feeling depressed, I have no focus, can't leave the house and drown my sorrows in wine. No wonder I'm alone.

Do you like animals? Might be worth looking online seeing if there’s a dog share or foster program. It could give you something to focus on and get you out of the house, meeting new people. Routine can be very good for mental health.

I personally think that you do need to love and respect yourself to help meet someone who will respect you. Try and focus on becoming stronger so that you can meet someone who is worthy of you. No more settling for abusers or cocklogers you are worth more than you can imagine xxx

I have a cat but he just annoys me lol. Problem is leaving the house unless I'm drunk is impossible. The guy I was seeing gave me hope that I could get better and that even after all my issues he said he could see himself in love with me. I don't think I'll ever love myself so being alone is something I think I'll have to get used to 😢

Maybe some charity work or volunteering I found it really helped as I couldn’t leave the house. I felt more confident and because I had a task to focus on I wasn’t just walking aimlessly or doing something for myself which seemed impossible. I found I could generally always go to work but not leave the house to go 5 min to get food.

You could even do it in your house?

But being told that you need to love and respect yourself in order for someone else to love and respect you isn't some kind of greeting card triusm -- it's just decent advice.

Wouldn't you be wary of starting a relationship with someone who was desperately unhappy, agoraphobic, wasn't managing their bipolar condition adequately, and had an alcohol problem, who got hugely emotionally invested from the very first dates, over-shared deeply personal information about their problems, relied on their brand -new girlfriend to lift their low mood, and whose goal in a relationship was to have someone to lean on?

That is not intended as any disrespect to you. You are I'm sure, a valuable person, who has survived a lot and will figure things out. But the onus is on you to sort out your issues, or to manage them so that you can function, before you start going on dating websites. OLD can be very difficult even for confident, happy people, let alone the vulnerable.

Yes I agree completely, but he lied and said it did t matter and would support and wait for me to get better. My condition will never go, it may be managed for periods of time but not forever and I feel after the last guy that I'll always be alone. And if it was me, and I liked them that much, I wouldn't just ignore them and make empty promises. It doesn't matter anymore, nothing does.

My mum was married to a man with bipolar for 17 years they are no longer together because he was a cheating weed smoking abusive ass. There will always be someone out there who will love and support you with you mental health but you need to work on yourself first. My mum is a fantastic woman but he refused to work on himself and took it out on us.

You can meet a great person but you need to be the best you can make yourself work on your triggers and medication get a mental health app, maybe walk at night (I found that was the best time for me) you need to love yourself more so you don’t end up in a crap relationship.

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest you read this article

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-angry-therapist/201802/you-have-love-yourself-you-can-love-someone-else

I found it very interesting and I think the writer makes some very good points. In short he's saying we learn to love ourselves through others. I particularly like this part:

"Instead, see loving yourself as the action of self love / self care in your every day life, your everyday choices from what you decide to eat to who you decide to love and surround yourself with. Loving yourself is the practice of self love and it’s on going. Forever. Until you die. It’s not a bar to measure yourself before getting into a relationship."

You met one guy and you can meet another. I understand totally why everyone's advising you not to date. Definitely start on the self care, that's the most important thing. But don't feel that it's impossible for you to meet someone because you have some issues. Don't feel you have to attain some level of perfection to be worthy of love, because that is where depression sets in.

A bit out there but if your a strong bodied woman maybe you should see if you can work with horses or join a mental health group or even run your own. Check FB xxx

Great article Astra- need to work on liking myself at least then! X

Good, i’m glad
I think the “love yourself first” advice is well meaning but ultimately unhelpful. Maybe because you’re left thinking but how do I achieve that? It’s overwhelming to someone who already feels at rock bottom. That’s why I liked that article so much. It really struck a chord with me. It also tells you, this is how you do it. Small acts of kindness to yourself. You are not unworthy of love. You have a lot to give. You just need to give some of it to yourself also.

That's exactly it, I don't know how to love myself. I spent 14 years in an abusive relationship/marriage, was bullied at school, had a bf who hit me before my husband. It's pretty hard to like myself when I've spent half my life being told I'm shit and then to be diagnosed with bipolar people think I'm crazy. I'll admit I'm probably high maintenance, and dealing with my depression is hard but I'm hoping my new meds will help. I just can't seem to stay away from the dating sites, I just want some attention, someone to tell me I'm not shit and ugly and fat and a terrible person. I guess it will take time 😐

Firstly you need to stop the drinking! An occasional drink, not too bad. Drinking a lot? Is a no go, with bipolar meds. You know that.

Secondly you can not relay on someone making you ‘feel better’. You have to do that yourself. Because you will seriously scare a man away if they think, you belive, they are there to help you get better.

Thirdly stay away from dating sites. They are becoming an addiction to helping you feel better. They aren’t going to help. You are not in the right place.

As for someone up thread saying you shouldn’t reveal your diagnosis. It depends. Some people would like to know early on, so they can decide if they want to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental health diagnosis. But some would say it’s private and why should you tell?

Personally everyone I know, knows I have bipolar, it’s something that comes up early in conversation, I talk about it, friends ask me about it, friends take the piss out of me about it (in a friendly way, things like calling me crazy chick etc).

I’ve been with dp a year. He knew I had bipolar before we started seeing each other, as we’ve been friends a few years. He knows what to look for when I’m going manic and when I’m getting depressed. I’m still learning about my condition, so is he.

But before we got together, I’d been single for 5 years after a 15 year relationship. He asked me out a lot in those 4 years. But I had to take time for myself. To work out what was going with me. To learn what my triggers etc were. But when I felt I was in the right place- I said yes.

I think that’s what you need to do.

The person who will tell you those positive things in the end will be you, but yes it's a process. Start small. Make yourself a really nice meal, or have a bath with candles and relaxing music. Whatever makes you feel good. Find things to focus on, like I enjoy crafts, reading, even adult colouring books. They give you something to do and something else to think about.

When you've been in an abusive relationship it's easy to feel ground down and like you're a weak person. But you know what, it actually makes you a really strong person. Managing another persons anger and emotions takes incredible strength. Surviving abuse and psychological torture is one of the hardest things you can do. You are so much stronger than you realise.

If you do find it too difficult to completely stay away from dating sites, then just use them as "chat". Don't talk to anyone with a view that maybe they are "the one" but just view it as a chatting device rather than a dating one. I do understand why everyone's advising you to stay away from them. There are people on there who are just not nice people. But I also understand that when you're sitting home alone feeling down it's hard to resist the urge.

It's all baby steps. Things won't change overnight but if you can keep moving forward a little bit at a time, one day you will realise that actually yes you do like who you are and you will feel happy.

I am trying to just focus on the kids coming home and doing something small everyday. Today I have cleaned the living room, small I know, but I have t gotten off the sofa all week so it's a small step. Tonight I'm going to have a bath with candles, get a good nights sleep ready for the kids coming home tomorrow. I really need to be able to run again as that is what helps the most but I've had a virus for coming up 6 weeks and the 2 times I've tried to run I've almost collapsed and been sick 🤢 I'm just very impatient and want to be better and stable like I was last year x