19mo night wakings and DH

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

Sorry it's long but I really need some perspective.

DH has taken over the settling of 19mo DS if he wakes in the night.

Previously I did all night wakings after we had gone to bed. DS has always woken in the night, it's reduced over time but had occasions of being 4 times between 11-6am. I bf DS back to sleep and I got it so I was up for about 15 minutes once, maybe twice, a night.

I've recently weaned DS

1. I'm 5 months pregnant with no.2 and didn't want DS jealous of the boob
2. I couldn't deal with pregnancy tiredness/insomnia and DS waking me up
3. I was hopeful night wakings would decrease without bf
4. DH thought it was a good idea too

4 is important because I told DH that I would need his support. DS goes crazy if I try to settle him without bf so DH would need to go settle.

So the problem is DH leaves him to cry for ages. Until I'm 100% awake and ask if he's going to settle. DH recently said he didn't realise this would be a long term thing. But I have tried settling once weaned and DS kicks off.

Last night was particularly bad and DH shouted at me before going through. DS didn't really settle at all after that, I think because he'd worked himself up for nearly an hour and because DH's initial attitude was quite hostile.

DH said this morning that he's "done some reading" and thinks it could be the 18 month sleep regression and we "shouldn't get into bad habits".

AIBU to think 1) DH shouldn't decide on cry to sleep unilaterally
2) he shouldn't blame me if I get annoyed as I didn't realise this was his plan
3) I always responded to DS so if DH wants to change this he needs to do it gently and plan it and agree it with me.

Or AIBU in expecting DH to follow through on my methods and I've spoilt DS and then palmed off the problem to DH.

It sounds like he's realised how hard it is and is now looking for lazy ways out of it. I'd be livid!

Yeah, this sounds like him wanting to make it your problem again because he is The Man and therefore should not be inconvenienced. He's leaving the baby to cry in the hope that you will wake up and deal with DS.

That’s pretty shitty!

You need to sit down and discuss a strategy together. You might have a couple of rough nights if you have been jumping up immediately to soothe DS then the sudden change will take time to work.

A 19 month old shouldn’t wake 4 times a night and doesn’t need fed overnight, however if that’s what you’ve been using to settle him then he’s going to be pissed at the sudden change!

Sounds like DH hadn’t fully appreciated how hard this was going to be.

Hmmm

I think it is always better to discuss but if DH is doing all of the night wakings then you have to let him do it his way.

There is a lot on MN about dads who don’t parent but then we read a lot about how when they do parent they don’t do it “right” and mum takes over again.

He won’t use controlled crying forever but at 19m your DS needs to somehow learn to wake and then get to sleep without help.

I understand that and I have always waited to pick DS up, longer as he got older and this really helped to decrease the number of times he woke up.

In preparation for DH taking over I tried not bfing and just shush patting. I also left it longer before picking up. DS wakes now once a night and sleeps through 2/3 times a week.

But I can't deal with DH's attitude when he needs to get up and I feel like i'm just nagging him to do it.

Fucks sake. I thought I'd actually address the issue so sent this message:

I won’t bear with you when you’re tired and grumpy. I’m tired too. And I was when I was getting up often but I don’t remember ever shouting and storming like you do.
Also DS's always woken in the night and he’s started sleeping through more too.
If you want to change how you settle him but I don’t think leaving him works because he just winds himself up. Also if I didn’t know you plan on leaving him to cry you can’t expect me not to be annoyed about it. It’s a massive change from how I settled him and obviously both DS and I are struggling with it. Dealing with that along with your anger really isn’t easy.

And he sent:
Don’t really know what to say to that to be honest. I’ll just put up and shut up.

Fucking pa bullshit.

An hour!?! That's a ridiculously long time for nobody to go to him, what if he was running a fever or vomited? A kid that's quickly patted back to sleep is far easier to settle than a kid who's left to cry, you know that but you need to tell your DH as it's a fundamental flaw in his strategy.

Your DH and you need to agree on parenting strategies. You're both knackered it seems. Maybe the No Cry sleep solution?

You haven’t spoilt DS but you have created an expectation of how he will be comforted and now you expect your husband to do it your way.

Your message to him wasn’t exactly all roses and sunshine so to get one back like that isn’t unexpected.

@Sexnotgender I don't think there's a nice way of saying "This isn't working and I'm upset when you're angry" and however I said it he was going to get the hump so I tried to tell it straight, especially when he already implied that although he was sorry for his attitude it would probably happen again.

You both sound really frazzled. My DD is 22 months and I remember the absolute hell we were in (it's a bit better now) around the same time. We got absolutely furious with each other, so I can't lecture anyone else for snapping and I won't.

I do think that you need to talk about this face to face when you are at your least tired.

It is fair enough to say you have strong feelings about crying to sleep/the length of time he wants to leave the baby. But I think realistically you'll have a better chance of convincing him of that if you go in by tackling it as a shared problem. Clearly, it's not working your way or his way (and frankly it may be nothing except time will work anyway). So you may as well approach it as a joint issue and have a proper talk about strategies.

I'd take talk of 'bad habits' with a pinch of salt btw. Three months ago I was tearing my hair and trying everything I could think of to sort out her 'bad habits'. And she used to wake every few hours, glug masses of milk, scream, try to get up, etc. Recently she's been either sleeping through or calmly coming in to us (she sometimes curls up in our bed without even waking us). She's currently fast asleep for a mid-morning nap having put herself to bed while I was doing the ironing. I'm not saying that to boast (because I'm sure it'll all go to hell again at some stage), but only to say they change very fast at this age and you can go from a brilliant sleeper to a terrible one and back again without ever really knowing why.

Don't text argue, things will just escalate for you both as context gets lost and words and tone are so easy to misinterpret. Sit down and talk about it after dinner.

Thanks for all the advice, sorry. I am really upset. I know I need to talk about this with him rationally. I am a bit worried about how he'll take it.

I'm going to take the dog for a walk to clear my head and then get the house clean and tidy. Should keep my mind off it for a while.

Thanks for talking me down.

I totally understand. I have a 16 month old and me and my DP have been at loggerheads for weeks about trying to get DD to sleep. He’s fully for doing cry it out and I’m dead against it. He’d probably be exactly like your DH. They want the end result but don’t want to have to do any of the shitty graft to get there! It’s infuriating and very unfair

Simply say "I've done it for 18 months. Your a parent too; this is your job. I'm pregnant and you will never know how exhausting that is. I cannot be up and down all through the night. You're a parent so be a parent"

Simply say "I've done it for 18 months. Your a parent too; this is your job. I'm pregnant and you will never know how exhausting that is. I cannot be up and down all through the night. You're a parent so be a parent"

That’s fine but OP wants him to do it her way rather than his.

He wants to do it differently, this needs a discussion not sniping and anger.

If he's an equal parent then he's not just your deputy and he has the right to do more than just follow your instructions.

Sit back down and agree together what you are going to do (as a couple).

Your text was arsey so whilst I think he shouldn't be grumpy, I think it's a case of pots and kettles here.