Aibu about DH going to pub after work?

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

I’m willing to hear if I am being unreasonable but be gentle please.

DH and I have a 1 year old baby, I’ve just returned to work part time after my maternity leave but we have the same argument regularly about DH going to the pub.

DH regularly has to work late which means I have no help with the baby all day. I don’t have an issue with this as I appreciate he has to work and doesn’t have a choice. I also don’t have an issue if DH makes plans in advance to go out, I appreciate everyone needs time to themselves and tbh I want to go out on occasions too.

But I am not ok with him going to the pub on a whim after work without any advanced warning as it puts extra pressure on me to do our usual dinner/bath time/bedtime routine without any warning.

He completely disagrees and thinks he is just taking an hour or two for himself and that I’m being unreasonable.

So Aibu?

When do you get an hour or two to yourself on a whim?

Where's your hour or two to yourself?

How would he react if he was home with baby and you decided to stay out after work?

I’d think it depended how often it was.
I’m not sure having no help with a single baby all day is a particularly difficult challenge but yes, if he routinely arrived back home the worse for alcohol and I rarely got a night out, I’d be a bit miffed.
Perhaps agree an evening a week when you get time away from household and family chores or better still book a babysitter and go out together as a couple so you maintain your relationship.

I agree, yanbu

When I was with exh this was my constant gripe- nights out on a whim, just "popping" to the pub after work. Planned was fine but this didn't seem to satisfy him. What if we both decided to go to the pub on a whim? Who would do nursery run etc?

My especial dislike was him doing it onnFridaus. I'd often have a nice dinner for us together planned, or a bottle of wine to share, and he just wouldn't come back or I'd get a short text at 6/7 pm. Invariably leading to him being out late.

Next time he comes home on time, just pass him at the door. "Just taking an hour or two for myself".

And bloody make sure you are out for the full 2 hours. Even if it's just to a Costa with a book.

Depends. Once a month? No problem. Three times a week? Unfair.
If it’s an hour and a single drink? No problem.
Four hours and later? I would be pissed.

I’m not sure having no help with a single baby all day is a particularly difficult challenge

The actual logistics of this, I agree. However being at home with the baby all day can be lonely, boring and relentless. Knowing the ^other person who made that baby" doesn't care enough to either come home or prewarn is just awful and shows a lack of any respect on their part.

It would annoy me as well if was happening regularly- seems like doesn’t see himself as an important part of childcare and the evening routine.
And some days I found looking after a 1 year old relentless, give me 8 hours at work and a couple of hours in the pub any day!
It’s about fair choice isn’t it?

You'd think he would be excited go be coming home to his baby and you. I wouldn't put up with it at all. Especially Fridays- nice meal and all ruined.

I think this is selfish from him. To the person that said ‘only one baby’ - it’s not as much work as 2 or more, but she can’t get on with dinner/finish tidying up as she needs to be doing bedtime.

You should get up on a Saturday morning and go out for a couple of hours with absolutely no warning leaving him to tidy breakfast etc a few times and see what happens. It’s not fair to do things like that on a whim because you are stuck at home and can’t leave the baby.

DH has to tell me by about 4.30/5 if there are impromptu drinks happening after work, and I have veto over how long he takes. I HATE when it gets to 6.30 and I'm expecting him through the door any minute and he texts to say he'll be home after bedtime, it's such a mindfuck to be expecting backup imminently after a long day to realise then that your day isn't ending for another hour or more. It's like him packing up for the day and his boss walking over and dropping reports on his desk and saying 'these need to be done now!'

I also suggest going out for the evening by yourself without any/with little prior warning. It's PA but it does make them think.

When he has a day / weekend off, put your shoes on, pick up your badge and walk to the front door. Tell him you're going out for a couple of hours and go.
Visit a friend, browse round the shop's, anything. Make sure your gone a good couple of hours.
Do this every time. Don't prep anything for baby, just chuck him in at the deep end.

Bag, not badge.
Although you can wear a badge if you want.

Oh, and stop making Friday night meals. Tell him to grab a takeaway on his way home.

I think it depends how often this happens?

YANBU. I never had any problem with a planned night out but it used to drive me mad —and still does sometimes— that DH used to go for an impromptu after work drink when DS was very young. He just couldn’t understand why I would get pissed off as ‘it’s just a quick drink.’ Yes but when do I get chance to do that! I would have had to pick DS up so no option to do it.

I still can’t do anything impromptu as I do all the after school club pick ups as I can work flexi hours and DH works 25 miles away. Sometimes I really want the option of just being able to nip for a quick drink with colleagues

Strike through fail!

I think it depends how often it is. Do you all spend time together at the weekend? Does he look after the baby then?

YANBU. He's behaving as though only he matters, and you are just there to pick up the slack. As pp have said, insist on time to yourself. If he won't agree, or says yes but routinely sabotages it (phones you to say the baby is crying, or just disappears without warning when it's his turn to look after the baby) then you need to think seriously about getting rid of him, because a man who has decided that you are his servant tends to get more selfish and unpleasant, not less so.

Eat with the baby, do bath and bedtime then have a candlelight bath with a glass of wine. Settle down with a book or the telly for your “hour or two”. When (d)h gets in he can fix himself something to eat and can do any tidying up

It wouldn't bother me as such if the balance was redressed elsewhere.
My DH would 'make up' for it at the weekend.

Thanks everyone. For the person saying it’s just one baby, I’m more than capable of looking after the baby on my own. It’s just I plan my day differently if I know he isn’t going to be around. Just little things like i’ll make sure we go out so it isn’t just us two in doors all day together. Or I’ll cook a big lasagne the night before so I don’t have to spend time cooking with a baby who climbs the baby gate the whole time I’m in the kitchen.

He is generally a good dad who comes home from work and does his fair share, so I would never begrudge him time out but just ask that he let me know in advance.

YANBU. I have a toddler and a 4 month old baby and I look forward to having DH come home just for the extra pair of hands! I rely on him to do toddler bath/bed so to find out last minute he won't be home for a couple of hours yet I'd be massively pissed off. Please go out at the weekend for a few hours me time and leave him to it.