To hate driving and want to not ever have to do it again?!

[Bellatrix14]

I really, really hate driving. For a reason that I won’t go on to on here I really need to learn to drive, but I just don’t ‘get’ it. I’ve been having lessons for 2.5 years now (two different instructors) and I’m still not at guaranteed pass level. The vast majority of my problem is nerves as opposed to lack of skills (which is what both my instructors have told me), but I don’t see myself ever being happy and confident driving. I especially hate town centres and then I get stressed and make silly mistakes. Knowing that I have a lesson in the evening spoils my whole day, and part of my problem is that I know when I do finally pass I will be expected to drive everywhere as opposed to relying on public transport. I don’t want to drive everywhere! When I think about the amount of money I’ve spent on lessons it makes me feel sick, but even taking that in to account if it wasn’t for the fact that I really need to learn then I’d just stop and be much happier and financially better off. The only other thing stopping me is that my partner drives, and while he’s happy to do all the driving when we’re together as I can’t, I doubt he’d feel the same way if it was because I’d chosen not to drive.

Has anybody really hated driving but come around to it eventually? Or has anybody else stopped their lessons and felt like they made the right decision? My instructors have both been lovely by the way, it’s not an issue with them.

there are complete dickheads on the road but honestly you do get used to it

As my advanced driving observer said - treat everyone else as an incompetent arsehole and you won't go far wrong. What he meant of course, was to prepare for the unexpected and don't make assumptions that others will stick to the rules/laws, including pedestrians & cyclists. When you train yourself to expect everyone else to do stupid things, it's not a shock/surprise when they do!

I could be you I used to dread my lessons and the nerves were terrible! I switched to automatic after failing in manual then failed twice more! I eventually paased and was so proud of myself! I have been driving 3 years now and I still get nervous driving to new places but im much better and once ive done a journey once im fine and actually sometimes quite enjoy it!

I took 2 years of lessons and 6 tests to pass, had beta blockers in the end.
I still don't drive everywhere unless i really need to. I don't like driving in cities so if I go to cardiff (nearest one to me) I get the train. There's nothing wrong with that. I had to start driving more places I hadn't when I started doing homecare as a job, if anything it's made me more confident. I have a friend who's never driven outside of the town we grew up in. It's no big deal, but it's a big help to be able to drive! I was so pleased to have my car when I had kids as I could go out whenever I wanted and didn't have to rely on public transport

@TheCowboy Well I won’t ever be allowed to drive alone if I don’t sort out the nerves and stress, that is part of the problem But thank you for the advice!

@Kazzyhoward thank you, I think I am a bit beyond that though, if that makes sense? I have passed a mock test with 7 minors with my previous instructor (although perhaps he was being too lenient, who knows!) and then went completely to pieces in my only actual test. I’m not sure driving in very quiet areas would help that much, but thank you for the advice. It might be worth giving going out somewhere with him a go!

Thank you to everyone else who has replied, I really appreciate it. I’m not sure learning in an automatic is really an option for me, it would involve changing instructors again for a start. I am definitely buying one if and when I pass my test though!!

I passed my test many years ago in a manual car, which I was fine with then, but I've driven automatic for years now and would never go back to manual.

There's a lot to coordinate in a manual, I love automatics and agree with pps perhaps try having some lessons in a automatic and see if that makes you more relaxed about the whole thing.

Also, there are driving instructors who specialise in teaching nervous drivers. I know you said that your driving instructors are lovely, and maybe they are, but they might not be right for you.

I'm in my fifth year of learning to drive. It's been a slow and anxiety-ridden process which involved me buying my own car to drive in with DH but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after threatening to throw in the towel several times!
I've gone from getting into the car with my stomach in knots to grabbing the keys and jumping in! There has definitely been a change and that is due to feeling more proficient and able to handle the car properly.
A poster further up has suggested taking time out to go over the basics, which is a good idea. Maybe address the areas that worry you?
I think it's worth sticking with as it's worth getting your licence - even if you never ever use it.

Keep going, ignore tge negativity, nobody is a perfect driver, even experienced drivers I talk to have off days where things don't go right. The more you go out, the more confident you will be.

I know that you’ve said that you’re not sure about sitting an automatic test but even if you have to change instructors trust me, it’s worth it. I started learning in a manual car and was so nervous and overwhelmed. I actually had an accident, totalled the car, and didn’t drive again for 10 years. When I finally got the courage to drive again I chose to drive automatic to minimise stress and what a difference it made! I was in pieces too driving a manual—it stressed me beyond belief. My automatic is like a go-cart and I can focus solely on the road and not worry about operating the car because it’s so simple. I ended up passing with zero faults and am a very confident driver now. I’ve also found the more I drove the more situations I came into and therefore the more confidence I gained. I wonder if it might be worth doing a week on an intensive training course. My friend did it to pass quickly for a job she got and she found it super useful. Hours of driving might feel daunting for you but the more you do it the more natural it becomes and I think the nature of the intensive course can really help with this.

Driving is a lot about confidence. Hesitant, nervous drivers are a menace to themselves and to other road users, just as much as over confident aggressive drivers. Think to yourself, I won’t be bullied, I can do this, and give full attention at all times to the road, your car and other users. The advice about automatics is good, it will give you one less thing to worry about. Also, something I noticed this last month. I have always driven 4x4s, LRs, Jeeps Etc...... This month I had cause to use my sisters car for a few days, and found the experience rather different. Other road users weren’t as respectful, took more chances pulling out, darting in front of me etc.... I hadn’t changed my driving style, I am not an aggressive driver, but that difference was marked. Passing your test is the highest hurdle, during lessons, test, you are under pressure. Once you have passed, you get to choose your own challenges, your own routes. You quickly build self confidence, get to know what your vehicle is capable of doing and what it won’t. It is a huge life changer. You get freedom, you get choice. You are not reliant upon anyone, or anything else. Go in there well prepared, but with confidence. And good luck!😁

I could have written your OP. Please consider an automatic, its so much easier. I had 3 years of lessons in a manual and hated every lesson. I would feel sick with anxiety and eventually gave up. I started my lessons again a few years later in an automatic and passed within 6 months. Once I passed I had huge anxiety about driving anywhere on my own. It got to the point where I considered giving up the car. The only thing that kept me driving was knowing how much it helped my dc - they could go to clubs, friends houses etc. I had to force myself into the car each time but now, just over a year later, I'm OK. I'm fine with driving around our town and don't experience the anxiety anymore. I didn't ever think I would get to this point but know now that the only thing that helped me was getting in the car and driving. Over time I've realised that despite the anxiety I can do it. I still get a bit panicky about long distance driving in a new area but I can deal with that. Keep going OP, it will change your life.

I learned in a manual almost 3 years ago now. I hated every second of it and one day stalled at the traffic lights, couldn't get the car to start again and also managed to set the car alarm off while a load of workmen laughed at me. I cried the 10 miles home and swore I was never driving that car again! Since then I've bought myself a wee Citroen C1 automatic. I'm still a nervous driver and I totally limit where I drive. But I work about 10 miles from home on a route where there's no public transport so I have to drive there. I'm actually starting counselling tomorrow so I'm hoping that helps. The Headspace app is also helping me with my anxiety a little bit too!

I feel you so much. I tried learning when I was at uni. Two different instructors with two different styles. I got on with both of them but I still hated it. Like you, knowing I had a lesson booked would ruin my entire day and would get sick to my stomach. I was so worried about what others were thinking of my mistakes and ended up making silly mistakes. I stopped after spending a fortune and hated it.

Fast forward to now, I decided I wanted to learn because something that happened late last year showed me how essential it is to be able to drive in case of an emergency and not having to rely on public transport, taxis, other people. I found an instructor who had really good reviews and booked a lesson. I dreaded it to start with and then the instructor said to me 'What's the worst that can happen? I have controls here, others know it's a learner's car so they are more careful. Just get a feel of the car, use your eyes and your senses without overanalysing it.'

I started not caring about what others thought. None of them was born a driver, they all were learners once. As I have grown older I have started caring less about what others think of me so I applied that to the lessons. Why do I care about what others think of my mistakes? They don't know me, I don't know them and I am sure most of them don't even care about a learner stalling now and then. I have actually started enjoying the lessons. I think the instructor has helped a lot. He is so much more relaxed than the other two and communicates information in a less strict style. I think finding the right instructor and caring less has made a massive difference.

Took me years to pass - 5th go. It wasn't nerves so much as being too easily distracted. The first three instructors I had were too chatty. The fourth one seemed to "get" me immediately and hardly spoke except when necessary and at the beginning and end of the lesson. Sometimes he'd be quiet for so long that I wondered if he'd accidentally gone to sleep. Helped my confidence no end. He also sent someone else to do the pre t3st lesson so I was used to a stranger in the car before I did it. I agree with everyone saying try an automatic too. They are great.

Once you pass your test, it gets a lot easier because you are in control of the route, which means you can avoid things that make you particularly nervous. Yes, sometimes it means your journey is longer than it might have been, or it may mean you have a half mile walk to your destination, or you drive to the edge of the city and take a bus or train the rest of the way. Google Street maps allows you to view the route before you drive it, so you're not hit by unexpected complications. And the more you drive, the more your confidence will grow.

It's worth passing the test, even if you don't drive afterwards, because it means you can take lessons and have a refresher course in a few years time without the pressure of a test.

I am 52. I have been driving for over 30 years and whilst I do like and need the freedoms and independence it has given me, I've never managed to actually enjoy driving. I do it because I have to. I don't like it, and I especially dislike driving at night.

So I understand where you are coming from. I was just short of my 18th birthday when I passed my test. I hated learning to drive and hated the test, but was so relieved to pass it. If I hadn't passed it then (first time, fortunately) then I might well have given up as I hated it so much.

I passed my test on a manual car. I drove manuals for almost 30 years but have an automatic now. I agree with the advice that automatics are so much easier, and you might get on better with one. It is just something to consider.

Many people think of driving as a life skill. I don't. I think of it as a necessary evil. I envy people who live in areas with fabulous public transport who don't really need to drive. That might be my aspiration when we retire. Still undecided on that, and still have non-driving teenager at home anyway.

Good luck. Only you can really judge it and make the right decision for yourself.

Thank you for all the advice guys, you have been very helpful. It’s mostly a psychological problem over anything else, it’s just figuring out whether I’m ever going to combat the nerves and the stress. I think most of the problem is I really hate the pressure of trying to do and concentrate on multiple things at once... which is made worse in town centres! I also stress about the fact that one little lapse in concentration could lead to an accident and me potentially hurting someone. Basically I stress about most aspects of it!

I guess I’m also a bit embarassed by how difficult I find it. Other than cross country running I’ve never been really bad at anything before

Would also just like to add regarding it getting easier once you've passed your test, I'm someone who wasn't a confident learner and in any setting hate having someone watching me do something I find difficult.

Once I'd passed my test and was on my own in the car I found my confidence in my driving increased enormously.

I've driven thousands of miles over the nearly 50 years I've been driving including central London in rush hour. A great deal of it is a matter of confidence in your belief that you can do it.

But no shame in making it easier by doing it in an automatic.

Do you practice outside of your lessons? Your partner drives, can he take you to an empty parking lot or someplace like that to practice?

I hated learning to drive, passed on my sixth or seventh attempt. I was always terrified during lessons, dreaded them etc. However I did finally pass, nearly 30 years ago. Now I still find some things stressful but on the whole I enjoy driving. I think my problem was, and is, an over active imagination, I still actively imagine another car slamming in to the side of me when I pull out of a junction for example, but only occasionally now, not every time like when I was learning (I’m not, as far as I know, mentally ill, although having written that I can see that this might not be normal).
Things that helped me pass:

1. Going out to practice with a very laid back friend just driving round quiet country roads. That got me used to just driving as opposed to learning to drive. We would go out at lunchtime from work and just potter around for an hour. She didn’t care if I took too long coming out of a junction or any other little flaws, so much less nerve wracking than a lesson.
2. Realising that my nerves were causing me to grip the steering wheel so tight that it was actually physically difficult to turn it. I concentrated on relaxing my grip, which was a distraction from thinking about crashing into people and killing pedestrians, which it’s only a slight bit exaggeration to say had been my main train of thought.
3. Finding the right instructor who didn’t add to my tension.

It was definitely worth learning to drive for me, it took ten years overall and I really wish I had done it earlier.

I just wanted to let all of those who offered advice know, I passed today with 6 minors!

Thank you for your help, and thank you Beta Blockers! x

Fantastic! Well done, you finally did it!!

I feel your pain, failed so many tests out of nerves and was sure I'd never drive after I passed as I hated it so much. After two years I did a 5 day intensive course, 15 hours of lessons over five days with test at the end. Hated it to begin with but my instructor was really good, she'd be like drive to Macdonalds drive through and and we'd stop and get lunch. I realise then that just driving around randomly with someone telling you what to do and pointing out your mistake was harder than driving with a purpose. I passed then with one minor and up until recently drove most days, it's a great skill to have and not like taking lessons. Wishing you lots of luck op.

You are me, OP. I eventually past after 4 years of lessons off and on, 8 months pregnant, because I knew I couldn't be a mum and not be able to drive. I still hate driving with a passion and avoid it whenever possible. I don't think I will EVER be happy behind the wheel of a steel killing machine, especially with my child in the back. The driverless car cannot come soon enough for me!

Nonetheless I passed first time and have never had an accident in two years of driving. You can do it. It's just shite. And people who enjoy or don't mind driving just do not understand.

Woohoo! Well done!

I'm in my fifth year of learning to drive [...] I think it's worth sticking with as it's worth getting your licence - even if you never ever use it.

Yeah, totally worth spending thousands of pounds and five years of your life getting a licence even if you never use it!?!? I've seen some fanatical posters on Mumsnet who think people who don't drive are borderline retarded, but you must take the biscuit. And you don't even have a licence yourself