DH's Long hours and travel

[HeadHuntingMyself]

Every morning I wake up stressed out and think "oh no, not another day like this.

My DH has always worked really long hours, has a long commute and works away a lot. It has intensified as he now runs the division in which he works. He has to travel all over the world and is away about a week a month. In the past he has avoided going out at night to come home and help me but now the DC are older he says he needs to attend some dinners and drinks, about once a week.

We moved a few years ago and I have no close family or friends near by. If I need help I have to pay for it. I've met a few acquaintances and am friendly with a few mums but I feel really, really lonely.

Anyone else feel like this? My DH works long hours and earns a really good salary but I feel really resentful towards him. Honestly if I asked him to pick between me and his job, I think he'd pick his job.

He says the problem isn't that he works long hours as he has always done it. It is that I am bored. I look around me and I see my friends whose OH's work as long as mine but they have their extended families around them and their life long friends and it makes men feel really sh!t about myself.

AIBU?

I feel your pain. OH used to work abroad a week a month, and we have no family near us. I used to feel quite isolated. How old are the DC?

If the children are older now can you look to take up a hobby in order to make some friends?

YANBU BUT I somewhat agree with you dh that he can’t solve your problems of feeling lonely/bored. Only you can do that so you will need to start a new hobby or class, work, volunteer or do whatever you can to stop being bored and to meet people. It’s your life - don’t waste it!

No YANBU

That sounds really tough
I assume he wanted children and a family? Because if so you are basically facilitating his career being exactly what he wants it to be at the expense of your own life

But looks like he doesn’t plan to change. So change your own life does look to be your only option

Could you work? It will give you a sense of purpose and time out the house. I’d moneybis no object then you could get good childcare to allow this and really take the chance to forge ahead with your own career.

Don’t sit at home feeling resentful- do whatever it is that will make you happy.

Yes, I think YBU.
Your husband nailed it when he said your bored. He can't be responsible for your entertainment.
Consider taking up a hobby or joining local groups to make new friends.
My husband was and still is away for work a lot, sometimes for months at a time and often while we were in a different country. I couldn't rely on him for my entertainment or help when the kids were babies, simply because he wasn't there.
If your bored, do something about it yourself.

What are you gaining? Presumably the financial benefits of his work - do you love him? If you are waking every morning with this hanging over you then it needs sorting.
The advice here is essentially make your own life.Thats good advice but if what you actually want is more of a family and social life with him then that's a different issue,and working,going out to make friends etc won't help with that,hopefully you will make friend and find things you enjoy but your life will be separate.

Yes, I do. My dh is away for weeks or even months at a time though, so one week a month wouldn't affect me or DC that much. Are you bored/lonely for the other three weeks a month? What do you do through the day? I think this is probably the source of your discontent tbh, but it is exacerbated by not having the company of dh in the evening. Can you buy in a babysitter once a week when he's around, to try and get some quality time together? It might make you feel less resentful about the time he's away, and youll be able to deal with it better.

I'm in the same boat and completely understand. 3 children, 2 have additional needs and are hard work. No family or friends or support. I rely on DH for help and company. He doesn't work away but does long hours and a long commute. He too has turned down evening events which hasn't gone down well with work at times. He recently took a new job with slightly shorter hours but still a decent commute. He's already told me he's expected to attend evening do's and some weekend team building events, they've also made comments that he isn't working unpaid overtime when it's busy. So now I feel even more stressed and useless. He's stressed as he feels split between needing to be home and not upsetting work. It's hard isn't it

Why did you move? Did you move away from your family and friends? He’s not there most of the time and you are really isolated-I wouldn’t be happy with that.

Having been in your dhs position and also having friends who have as well, whilst I don't think yabu to find it difficult, it's not fair to blame him either.

Finding a work/life balance is incredibly hard these days. He will also have heaps of pressures not least being aware you are unhappy.

So what can change? Could you move closer to his work to lessen his commute and give you all some family time back? What can you do to create your own network and interests? Can he wfh more (he'd still be working intensely but at least in the house and you could have lunch together and he'd cut out commute time).

Don't make this just his problem to solve if you're a team. If you aren't, that's a different conversation.

I had this situation for years.I always accepted that the financial rewards did not come with a 9 to 5 job.
I also realised that I needed to make a life of my own that did not include him. Perhaps you could host the mums you do know in the evenings for cards, drinks, book club, etc.I know the mums I did this for really appreciated a " free" house .Then I made stronger bonds with some of the women.
Also got involved with school stuff and kept busy .It is tough but I used the nice income to enhance our life when he did have time out.

This doesn't sound right, on so many levels. Why would he choose his job over you? Your marriage clearly isn't happy. You're not his number one priority.

How old are your children? When do they start school? If he is a very high earner, they presumably you already have a cleaner and a babysitter? Use the baby sitter more. Get out to the gym, running group, meet other mums for gin!!!

Start preparations to Get a part time job. I've worked part time since having kids. I've always loved it.

My dh works 10-11 hour days most days and often has post work seminar speakers to entertain, travel within the U.K. and overseas quite often ... yes it's a pain, have no family here but have made some friends. Fortunately dd lives at home otherwise it would be a very big house to rattle around in. I should find another job but I do like mine and am well paid for the hours I do. The flip side is sometimes I get an invite for dinner or tag along on a business trip (just have to pay the airfare) and we stop an extra night or two.

I don't think it's fair to say his job obviously means more than his family. But presumably he carries the burden of being financially responsible.

I'm guessing we're talking about a senior corporate role here and if we are, the culture and pressure to not just progress but to stay on an even keel can be intense and gets worse as you get older (see the thread about pulling an all nighter).

A good friend of mine is on partner track at a Big 4. It is punishing with travel, hours etc. He adores his wife and kids and they undoubtedly come first but work drives him for its own non financial rewards as well. His attitude is why he's on partner track and his wife knows he's passionate about his job too. But he is a devoted family man, just operating in the environment which has been created by others.

And bosses/clients may smile at leaving early to go to a nativity or sports day but basically don't really care, they want what they want when they want it.

It can be hard but it can also be the way to a good life for you all.
You have to develop your own confidence, interests and friendships to allow this. Most areas have plenty of groups that welcome new people - although you sometimes have to try a few to find your own people.
Build relationships with neighbours; some of them might be lonely too and the early retired are often fabulous babysitters and surrogate grandmas.
Make sure time when his home isn’t spent bickering and making life harder. Plan nice things. Book a babysitter and go out.
Make sure he stays in touch with the children. Use FaceTime to speak and share parenting.
Can you afford to travel with him sometimes? Hugely reduces the costs if work pays half.
You could look at -
Toddler gym classes
Mother and baby groups
NCT coffee mornings
PTA volunteering
Etc
It might also help to do something for you - an online learning programme with group tutorials or support via Skype.

I keep re-reading your OP and I can't see any reference to what you do. You only talk about your DP being there to 'help' and that you'd have to buy in any other help. When you say:

"Every morning I wake up stressed out and think "oh no, not another day like this."

Can you tell us - another day like what? Are you working? Are you a SAHM? What is it you need help with - housework? Childcare? Cooking? Not saying you don't need help with these things, but if boredom is the issue (and you both say it is), then surely it's not about these practical matters that need help from someone else, but about your sense of purpose and what to fill your life with beyond looking after your family. So it sounds like he's right in that sense, but without know what you do or want to do, or have tried doing, it's hard to say. As your DC are 'older' and your DH is earning, then you must be quite well placed to explore more fulfilling activities, whether it's work, hobbies, volunteering, training or any number of things that would stimulate and connect you.

Of course YANBU. But DH is right and it's up to you to improve your situation. It's shit being lonely but you need to acknowledge the good parts of your life- and make a concerted effort to improve the bad.
I'm a widow with DCs. No job, no money, no help, no car!!! They are really tough restrictions but I do what I can- socialise - coffees at friends' houses, exercise at home, occasional lunch or brunch, outdoor gym at the park, volunteered in school.
But it has to be cheap, not require transport and within school hours so I'm home for the DCs. I'm still lonely but i'm doing what i can within my circumstances.
Little things make a difference. I wish you well.

You need to carve a life out for yourself. You have the luxury of choice that presumeably, a higher household income allows. Keep fit & healthy, learn new skills, take classes & meet new friends.The only way to do it is to put yourself out there.

Just wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel - I feel trapped, lonely and completely unable to change my position. If I were to go out in the evening I wouldn’t see my older dc’s or DH at all after spending the whole day alone - with no one to talk to. I’m finding that people/mums just don’t seem to need a new friend anymore - a new acquaintance yes but not a friend - at the age I am they all seem to have their established friendship group and I’m surplus to requirement. I’ve been a sahm all my life - we’ve moved a lot to keep the family together and enable DH to do the job he has.

I understand. And I also need to get my act together.
DH works away, travels etc and when he comes home is shattered. He says he's only away one/two nights but the reality is the evening before he's preoccupied (eg Sunday) away (Mon, Tues) late back (Wed) uncommunicative from too much work company (Thurs) which leaves only two evenings of 'normality'

He's totally focused on work when he's away so if he phones for the last ten years he's multi tasking, buying a sandwich, going to a meeting. It is very lonely here with the kids partly because it feels disloyal to complain about this set up.

How old are your children? Mine are just old enough to leave home alone e for short periods, this is actually quite a shift.