Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Incurable cancer diagnosis . . .f ckwit brother

20 replies

beveno · 29/01/2019 23:16

Hello All,
bear with me, this is going to be a long post. So 2 years ago, when I was 35 (and my children 1, 3 and 4) I was diagnosed with "incurable" secondary breast cancer - it has already spread. Obviously it was a massive bomb going off in my life, there is not a single area of my life unaffected and we were broken for months and months. After 2 years of treatment, and 2 surgeries I am doing much better than they expected, and have kinda somewhat accepted this new normal (whilst simultaneously pretending it is not happening, or i wouldn't be able to get up in the morning) but ultimately am going to die prematurely. So during this time my brother and his wife have given me the support of 7 texts and one card. No visit, no phone calls, mostly he didn't even reply to my texts when i updated my family about my health news. We were somewhat estranged prior to my diagnosis- there has never been a big bust up, but I stopped making the effort to see him and his family (and he never made the effort- it was always at my instigation) and so didn't see him for 18 months prior to my diagnosis. Am I wrong in thinking that the onus was on him and his wife to make the effort to see me? That that's just what you do when somebody gets such horrific news? We are still estranged. I tried to give him an oive branch, but he burnt it . . . . .

OP posts:

Reflexella · 29/01/2019 23:19

He’s an arse, let him go. Resentment & anger will drain you.
Focus what energy you have on your children ❤️X

FetchezLaVache · 29/01/2019 23:22

Just because he's kin doesn't mean he's not an arsehole. 7 texts and one card is pitiful in view of what you've been through. I am so glad to hear you're faring so well, hope it continues so OP... xx

Mmmhmmm · 29/01/2019 23:22

A fatal illness wouldn't make me feel obligated to get in contact with my estranged sister or estranged biological father.

In fact my sister already tried that when she pretended to have cancer. 🤨

However my sister is a grade a cunt and father is pure evil whereas your brother simply sounds apathetic.

OwlBeThere · 29/01/2019 23:24

I will be completely honest with you, my relationship with my brother sounds somewhat similar to yours pre-illness and if he had the same news, i would struggle to know what to say or do for the best. I would worry if I did get in touch he would feel I was doing it for appearances sake. It’s not easy to know the right thing. That doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to your feelings.

Abcdefghii · 29/01/2019 23:25

Shame on him OP.

I echo what a PP said about focusing all of your energy on your DC. You have far more important things on your plate than your arse of a DB and he doesn't deserve the mental space he's occupying

Original poster

beveno · 29/01/2019 23:27

I am not pretending to have cancer. Anybody who lies about having cancer probably needs help. .. I have cancer.. Last year i had 2 surgeries and a brief dalliance with sepsis. Established medical opinion is that i am "incurable but treatable". I am not evil. i don't think i am a cunt. I have good relationships with my sisters and have plenty of friends (trying to establish that I am not a cunt).

OP posts:

LtJudyHopps · 29/01/2019 23:28

Maybe they didn’t know what to say... but they should have tried at the very least! He’s an arsehole.

You are amazing just for getting up every day and fighting. I wish you nothing but health and happiness with your babies

MitziK · 29/01/2019 23:28

I'm sorry.

You were already estranged prior to your diagnosis - it would have been hypocritical for them to turn up and make a fuss of you.

I wouldn't want people related to me suddenly wading in when they've not been interested in me for years - and if they did, I'd be wondering whether they were doing it for show or a share of a non existent estate.

Similarly, if I were to do the same to a relation who hadn't been interested in seeing me (nor I them), I'd be expecting something along the lines of 'what are YOU here for?'.

It's crap, but it's consistent and not hypocritical.

You've got a choice - either message them personally and say you'd like to see them (in case they're staying away expecting you to be angry with them) or mark it up to not having an ongoing relationship for years beforehand and concentrate upon the people who are around you and have been all the way.

timeforteaplease1 · 29/01/2019 23:29

@Mmmhmmm. I’m not sure if your comment was meant to be helpful

Op he sounds like a prick. Focus on you and your children.

Original poster

beveno · 29/01/2019 23:36

Mitzik.
I wrote him a letter a year ago, because i couldn't stand the thought of dying without seeing him again, without trying to repair the relationship. His reply dripped with anger and bitterness and accused everyone else of behaving badly (myself and my husband, my parents - who are going to lose one of their children=every parent's worst nightmare, and my sisters). He complained about not seeing my children when they were at my Mums when i was having chemo. . he complained about everyone treating his family badly . .. he complained and complained about minor things from years ago that were never intended to upset anyone - they see insults and slights in every interaction. . .. it's like they are constantly looking for things to be insulted by .. .. . (fingers crossed she is not a mumsnet lurker or that will be another mark against me) .

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 29/01/2019 23:40

As Owlbethere says I think it's difficult especially as you weren't close before I expect he finds it difficult to know what to say and is fearful of appearing to have only got back in touch now you are ill. I understand how it must seem to you though and I would be hurt too. Sorry to read what you are going through.

Cheby · 29/01/2019 23:47

OP, given your last update, why do you want to see him? He’s an arse. He won’t bring any benefit to you. Let him go, concentrate on people who are worthy of your time. He isn’t.

Iloveautumnleaves · 29/01/2019 23:47

I’m sorry to hear about the cancer. Cancer is a bastard. I’m please you’re doing better than expected 💐

As for your current situation with your brother...

We were somewhat estranged prior to my diagnosis- there has never been a big bust up, but I stopped making the effort to see him and his family (and he never made the effort- it was always at my instigation) and so didn't see him for 18 months prior to my diagnosis

‍Then you wrote to him and got a very angry/hurt reply.

Sadly, you can’t make people want what you want. I expect that one day he’ll look back & regret his actions, but that’s his to deal with.

All you can do is not let it upset you too much. Focus on the people you have good relationships with.

biscuitmillionaire · 29/01/2019 23:50

beveno In the light of your last post just now, I would just stop trying with him, let it go, and only contact him if you feel inclined to.

Justaboy · 29/01/2019 23:51

Sounds like your better off not contacting him sounds like a right barrell of miseries!

You OTOH are far more important and your DC's and do your best to cope with that acursed illness. In fact my ex wife dveloped breast cancer that spread at one point they said sorry cant do anythingh for you then some bright spark said lets have a clinical trial and she having nothing to loose took them up on that now shes thought of as well not quite cured but they are predicting she should live quite some time 10's of years and in that time treatment and understanding is progerssing so hope is there for her and may well be for you.

I sincerly hope so:)

SaturdayNext · 29/01/2019 23:53

If he's such a self-centred complaining fuckwit, I think you just need to be glad you don't have to waste any more time on him.

Lizzie48 · 30/01/2019 00:10

You're better off without your brother in your life, OP, though no doubt you actually know that deep down. You should focus on your children and on the family and friends who care for you,

I'm sorry, though, it must really hurt.

Anum0 · 30/01/2019 00:12

I totally understand your emotions and feelings as i have also recently become estranged from my brother.
It is quite difficult to become indifferent to someone with whom you have spent a significant part of your life .
OP i think it is time to move on and focus on people who truly care about you.

Aridane · 30/01/2019 00:26

mmm - and that helps the OP how?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 30/01/2019 00:40

I have terminal cancer and would hate anyone to feel they had to have contact with me because I’m dying.

Yes, it would have been lovely if your diagnosis had brought you closer but your illness in no way obligates anyone to get in touch.

You got in touch with your brother and his response made it clear that he, rightly or wrongly, felt very bitter towards you and several other members of the family. Why not ask him if he’d like to meet and discuss his complaints calmly, just the pair of you. Perhaps if you listened to his version of what went wrong and then without being defensive just suggested you left it in the past he may be happy to do that.

Flip