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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off DD wasn’t made a seconder

54 replies

Smellbellina · 29/01/2019 23:16

I am upset about it, can’t lie.

4 positions for seconder at Brownies came up (various reasons) they’re supposed to go by age/length of service, DD was top for both. She didn’t get any of them! All were given to younger girls who haven’t been there as long. I know it seems like no big deal, but it’s just another thing she’s been overlooked for and it’s irritated me so much.

I volunteer! I give up my free time, and i’m not asking for special treatment just equal treatment.

On top of that the person who would have been in charge for working out the eldest 4 girls for the role would have definitely known my DD was the oldest if not one of the eldest, and it’s just like them to do it deliberately whilst smiling to my face.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellbellina · 30/01/2019 07:16

I did speak with the leader, it was a mistake she thought they were the oldest 3.

The other leader was the one who put forward the 3 ‘oldest’ girls (that’s just how we do it in our pack) and I just don’t believe for one second she didn’t realise. One is younger than DD by a good few months the other 3 are in the year below. She knows this, we’ve been ‘friends’ or in the same circle since before DD was born, she’s been to birthday parties, Christmases, she knows the other girls are in the year below as the girls all attend the same school as her DD. And of course she had the list with all the girls dates of birth on!

She has form for doing this kind of thing. I think it’s the straw that’s finally broken the camels back, a mutual friend cut her off last year because she’s had enough, and now i’m very tempted to do the same. I don’t know why she does it, I think she’s just spiteful.

OP posts:
anotherwearytraveller · 30/01/2019 07:18

Just ask her directly

Hey mean lady can I ask why you overlooked my DD as she’s really upset and wondering if you feel she isn’t deserving of a seconder role as it’s obvious to us all that the three are in the school year below? Can you explain to DD why you didn’t choose a her as she says you definitely know her birthday....

TroysMammy · 30/01/2019 07:21

I'm an Assistant Brownie Leader and it goes on suitability not age or length of service. Sixers and Seconders are supposed to guide their pack in helping others, making sure they tidy up after activities for example. We have older Brownies who mess around and don't do the above.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 30/01/2019 07:22

Like I said Troy so am I and in our pack we just do it on age.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 30/01/2019 07:26

It took ages for me to be made a seconder as I didn’t have enough badges. I was never made a sixer at all.

But if it was a “mistake”, then it should be easily rectified. Those demoted might feel a bit disappointed, but should accept it if the system is fair and explained to them. Indeed if they know it’s usually the eldest, they may have been surprised already.

JennyOnAPlate · 30/01/2019 07:31

Maybe they have decided to start choosing by suitability for the role rather than age? None of the units in our district go by age.

Jaxtellerswife · 30/01/2019 07:35

Haha it happened to me too. I'm 38 now and I remember how upset I was although I didn't let on. I left not long after

SaturdayNext · 30/01/2019 07:49

So is the leader going to rectify the mistake, OP?

planespotting · 30/01/2019 07:58

Jesus ConfusedConfused If she has the same traits as her mother im not surprised she wasn't picked.
Some people here

Spotsandstars · 30/01/2019 08:02

Seriously though out of 4 positions she should've got one. Come on

KissHerYouBrilliantFool · 30/01/2019 08:02

@Onlyjoinedforthisthread what a needlessly vile post! No need for that at all!

Original poster
Smellbellina · 30/01/2019 08:10

I can’t see that there’s anything to be done about it now, we can’t take the position off a girl that’s already been given it that wouldn’t be fair. I think I only pointed it out because I thought it was unfair, but i’d Have thought the same if it was another girl. DD hasn’t mentioned it actually, she just congratulated her friends, but I know it’ll bother her. She’s just one of those kids that always gets overlooked

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/01/2019 08:25

This brings back memories of when I was a Cub Leader, one of the ‘oldest’ Cubs was not made a seconder and his mother rang me in tears, ranting and raving because he was frequently ‘over looked’ and would never get anywhere in life Hmm, as a young Cub Leader (no children myself at that time) it was a really awkward situation.
The reality was that the boy was really, really quiet and would have no ‘leadership’ skills for the role - I know that sounds a bit over formal.

She was so unhappy, probably not just about the Seconder role, I felt desperately sad for her. I met her some time later and she did apologise for her over-reaction. It happened over 25 years ago & I can remember it almost word for word. Sad.

Grumpbum123 · 30/01/2019 08:31

This takes me back, I was due to be the next Sixer as told by brown owl. We then had a new brown owl who gave her much younger daughter the position. Much to my mums embarrassment I make placards and staged a mini sit in by myself. I was then asked to leave 🤣 oops

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/01/2019 08:58

I make placards and staged a mini sit in by myself.

That is brilliant! They should have made you Brown Owl as far as I'm concerned.

bridgetreilly · 30/01/2019 08:58

If it's definitely meant to be by age in your pack, then it's easy to say 'Sorry, you've made a mistake. DD is actually older than those girls.'

If it's meant to include other factors, then you can't say anything.

Oblomov19 · 30/01/2019 09:02

So what has Brown Owl said to you will happen in the future OP to rectify/acknowledge this 'mistake'?

As you've said, can't now rip the seconder's badge off one of the other girls.

But also, Leader needs to at least acknowledge the mistake, preferably in an email so you've got proof, rather than verbal, and say what's going to be done in the future to rectify.

Ie assuring you she will be top of the list for consideration for next Second'er.

Tiredofit · 30/01/2019 09:06

Can’t they have joint “seconds” in her six? Then when the sixer moves on she can have that post. Whilst it seems like such a little thing in the grand scheme of things the unfairness of situation, especially if she’s always being overlooked for things, could affect her for a long time.

Does she have a talent or something she’s really good at? She’s young yet. Find something she can excel at and it will really boost her confidence.

anotherwearytraveller · 30/01/2019 11:50

Are you sure it isn’t because she is planning to make her a sixer?

TidyDancer · 30/01/2019 11:58

I run a brownie group and we are forever getting certain parents making a stink over things they think their girls are entitled to, but in this instance I would definitely agree with you that this needs to be rectified and you're right to make a point of it. Of course it needs to be handled properly but your DD shouldn't be the one who continues to miss out here.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 30/01/2019 12:12

So I have spoken to the leader (not my ‘friend’ the actual leader) she has said it was a mistake she thought they were the 3 oldest, so, she’s going to make DD a seconder who will assist all the other seconders, should work, a couple of the seconders aren’t regular attendees so that should work ok I think.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/01/2019 12:39

a couple of the seconders aren’t regular attendees so that should work ok I think.

This is exactly why it shouldn't be done on the eldest or longest there. Regular attendance is one of the first things I would look for in a sixer or second.

Tinty · 30/01/2019 12:45

Much to my mums embarrassment I make placards and staged a mini sit in by myself. I was then asked to leave 🤣 oops

Ha ha good for you, I would have been proud of you, if you were my DD.

Groovee · 30/01/2019 12:49

I award these positions to the girl who has worked hard for them. So not necessarily the oldest but by maturity and their behaviour. One who turned out to be a year older than the age on the database never made it to sixer as she couldn't listen and follow instructions.

If I had made a mistake, I would just have 2 seconds in one six.

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 13:06

I'd speak to whosever's in charge. I volunteer at brownies and we definitely do it by age or length of "service". It would be odd for your DD to have been passed up.That said we all have hectic lives so it wouldn't be impossible for someone to be overlooked. If it was brought up we'd definitely put it right or speak to and reassure DD that next time is her turn.

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