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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To grit my teeth when MIL says this - or AIBU and petty?

23 replies

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 18:20

My husband moved to my home country for our work around five years ago. Last year, his mother announced she wanted to visit. Ok, so we agreed that would count as our annual holiday and we booked their tickets. We also booked accommodation for a few weekend breaks - both to ensure she got to see something of the country, and because I can’t imagine anything worse than hanging around at home in our small city for a few weeks...

Fast forward and we’ve now had a baby, who will be 2.5 months old when they visit. I understand they’re delighted in now getting to visit a new grandchild, but his mother is now going around airily declaring she has no interest in the country and its culture, and that she’s only coming to help us with baby.

AIBU to be fucked off with her attitude? Reasons are:

We’ve paid a lot of money to invite them, which could have gone towards my mat leave or a family holiday. (We had to pay because of cultural reasons and because they’re not well off - from a developing country).
Related to this, we’ve also sacrificed our opportunity to travel elsewhere or to bring baby to my husband’s country to meet the whole extended family.
My husband took less annual leave than what I wanted after my CS, needing to save his time off for their visit.
Baby hates the car and so travelling will be tricky. We wouldn’t be doing any long journeys yet if it weren’t for their visit.
The idea that they’ll help at all is laughable. I don’t want to leave baby yet (and even if I did, their practices are very outdated - like suggesting we hold baby in our arms to stop him crying during car journeys...). And their home is quite messy (despite them paying my sister in law to do their weekly cleaning) so I can’t imagine they’d be doing any housework here!

May the next weeks fly by...

OP posts:

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 18:25

Sorry, in case it was unclear, the whole trip was decided before I even got pregnant with our first baby... so another layer of why I resent her acting like she wanted to come out of the goodness of her heart to help us!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 29/01/2019 18:27

Tbf I could easily see someone posting moaning that their ILs are coming to visit and they've got no interest in their baby, they just want to go sightseeing.

I don't think they've done anything wrong personally and you do sound a bit picky.

Dollymixture22 · 29/01/2019 18:28

Is there any possibility she is trying to say - in a very clumsy way - don’t worry about entertains us, we are here to help??

It is very generous of you to fly them over - are they at least grateful?

TheBigBangRocks · 29/01/2019 18:30

You sound like you are being picky and resent them but your DH left his home country so likely wants to see them. I imagine he's happy paying their costs as they are his parents.

furtivefeline · 29/01/2019 18:34

Did you ask them if they would like to go sightseeing and on weekend breaks before booking accommodation?

User758172 · 29/01/2019 18:40

Stone me, PIL just can’t win, can they?

Some people complain their PIL never bother seeing the children. You’re not happy they’re coming to spend time with your child instead of sightseeing. Be honest, would you want to do that if you had a new grandchild you’d be seeing very little of on a day to day basis?

Let them enjoy the time with the baby. It’s not for long. Then they’ll bugger off home and you’ll be happy.

SuchAToDo · 29/01/2019 18:46

Who is she saying this to (that she has no interest in the culture and country?)..?

Maybe she means she is not there for a holiday to see the country and culture, she is there solely for you, dh and the baby...in other words she has no interest in the country and culture...because her interest is in visiting and see the three of you (she just has a clumsy way of saying it?)

Littleraindrop15 · 29/01/2019 18:46

I feel like you just want to hate them for no reason

Buglife · 29/01/2019 18:49

So they are saying they want to spend lots of time with their new grandchild who will reside in a different country to them... that’s totally understandable? And they may be loads of help with the baby. I assume you don’t like them from the time of your OP and granted it is hard to have people you don’t like around the house, but in cases where you have kids I think it’s absolutely right to give your husband/partners family the right to have a relationship with their grandchild regardless of whether you personally like them or not, as long as you don’t think they will do anything harmful.

Also I doubt you’ll want to be going on all these weekend breaks and trips away now, having a 2.5 month old baby, so can you get the money back for anything? I think it’s more a case of having the baby totally changes all the previously made holiday plans, rather than that being the in laws fault. I mean, how does this sound. “AIBU, I am travelling to visit my grandchild for the first time as they live in a different country, I just want to spend time with them but my DiL is insisting we travel around the country on many pre booked trips she’s booked for us, AIBU to say I just want to see the baby and help them out?”

MissionItsPossible · 29/01/2019 18:50

Wow harsh replies here.
I understand why you’d feel annoyed if she’s now saying she’s only coming to help with the baby when you weren’t even pregnant when it was booked.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/01/2019 18:53

Bloody hell yabu.

Their son has moved countries, - 5 years ago and this is their first visit?

Your poor pil.

Yabu and very very petty.

God forbid, grandparents looking forward to seeing their grandchild.

3out · 29/01/2019 18:56

I know why it sounds insulting, but I think it’s a clumsy way of her declaring how important her grandchild is to her.

I know it was booked before there was even knowledge of a grandchild, but if there was no grandchild then she’d prob be telling her friends that the only reason she’s going is for her son. She’s travelling due to the love she has for her family, not for a jolly.

Singlenotsingle · 29/01/2019 19:04

Lucky you, having PLs who are interested, and happy to be dgps for the dc. I never had any dgps myself and my children had just one dgm (who died early).

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 19:41

Perhaps my post didn’t make it fully clear but I have every intention of supporting my husband’s relationship with his family. This was not his mothers only opportunity to see her son. We fly back every year to visit the whole family. This is how we’ve spent our leave for the last five years. If she hadn’t insisted she wanted to visit us, we would instead be going over there and seeing the whole family, whilst also having a bit of a holiday ourselves (due to low cost of living, things like eating out can be a daily rather than sporadic treat). Now my husband’s siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles won’t meet baby for another year at least (this is easily around 40 people who we would have liked to see).

I also lived in his country beforehand and I get on well with the whole family, so that’s not the issue that many people have anticipated.

It was my husband and his mother that wanted the weekend trips; I was just the one that booked them. This was also while I was pregnant, so we knew it would be with baby.

Neither of them have thanked us for the booking. Perhaps this is a cultural or family difference, but it still rankles

OP posts:

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 19:42

Single, do you need to race to the bottom? I could say the same about my own family, and it doesn’t detract from how I’m feeling in this situation.

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 29/01/2019 20:02

Can't imagine having anybody to say for 'a few weeks' even without a new baby! I'd have to make sure they were out of the house as much as in it! Poor you OP. (No excuse for their lack of gratitude for your time, money and effort - that can't be cultural, just rudeness).

missyB1 · 29/01/2019 20:11

So are you saying you would have preferred to travel overseas with a very young baby? Well I did that, took 5 month old ds to DH’s home Country to meet his family- bloody hell it was hard work and I regretted it!
You are better off having Mil come to visit this year. Next year you can do it differently.

And don’t feel you have to go to his Country every year. It’s a huge commitment and can get very expensive, it also stops you having any different holidays.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 29/01/2019 20:12

From your OP it seems you're understandably disappointed about the trips yet your baby hates the car. Not sure you can have it both ways. Anyway, I would just stick to your plans OP. MIL can still see baby and she might be a useful extra pair of hands.

Think positive

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 20:19

I don’t see how you mean, DontCallMeCharlotte. I wouldn’t have chosen to go on these (not cheap) trips if it weren’t for my mother in law wanting to travel around, let alone now with a screaming baby in the car. And instead of showing a modicum of gratitude or excitement about them, she’s now acting blasé and like they were pushed upon her. You wouldn’t be fucked off it that situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 20:20

Sorry, if it’s unclear, we’ve paid for these trips so we’re still going! And baby will of course be with us so it’s not like it was ever a case of trips OR family time.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 29/01/2019 20:56

I think your MIL was excited about the trips, but is even more excited about seeing the baby. She's trying to do the right thing by saying she'll help (people do want to be helpful even if they're not good at it) I doubt she realises the cost and effort you've gone to to arrange the trips.
I get she annoys you, just be glad she lives in another country and not around the corner and holding your baby in the car in a weekly basis.

RCohle · 29/01/2019 23:06

It really sounds like anything your MIL did would piss you off.

She's trying to be enthusiastic about the baby and helpful. Why not wait and and see if she's suitably grateful for the trips etc when she's here?

You said it was your husband and her who wanted to book the trips? Maybe she thought it was what your DH wanted and went along with it for that reason.

To be honest I also think, given you were pregnant when you booked, you could have foreseen that travelling with a 2.5 month old baby wouldn't exactly be a joy.

CantStopMeNow · 30/01/2019 01:05

well she hasn't refused to go on the trips fgs!
If she did there'd be an issue.

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